Manchild; Torchwood, G

[sam_storyteller]

Title: Manchild
Rating: G
Summary: "So we made a new rule: if you shoot the Captain you buy dinner."
Warnings: None.

Now a podfic by dreamwaffles!

Also available at AO3.

Originally posted 5.31.08

***

"Mrrfn," Ianto said. "That was his name, I believe."

"Mrrfn?" Gwen asked, adding sauce to her rice. "How's that spelled?"

"Em double arr eff enn," Ianto said, pretending not to notice when Jack stole a clump of noodles from his plate. "I think we finally decided he came from a race that didn't construct words the same way we did."

"So this Mrrfn tied up Tosh and Owen," Jack said.

"To an antique," Ianto added.

"To a fake antique," Jack corrected. "Replica of a priceless Ataxian riverglass ornamental...thing."

"Why was he on Earth in the first place?" Gwen asked, as the waiter brought another bottle of sake.

"He was using it as an off-market smuggling base," Tosh said. "Tidy little scam, really. Selling offworld on Earth's okay because there aren't any tariffs since it's all black market."

"Well, he thought it was okay," Owen said.

"I miss the best stuff when I go on holiday," Gwen sighed.

"Well, you'll only go on one honeymoon. Presumably," Ianto said.

"Oh now, wait for it, it's very James Bond," Jack continued. "Owen and Tosh are tied up, so I go barreling down the corridor after him, gun drawn."

"I'm behind him, but there's all this smoke," Ianto added.

"And out of nowhere suddenly this guy pops up with a knife and he's got a gun in my back and a knife to my throat and then Ianto decides to get cocky," Jack said.

"It wasn't cocky," Ianto answered, wiping his mouth before sipping his drink. "Cocky would be running down a narrow hall to a dead end and expecting not to get taken hostage."

"So there's me, knife here, gun in my back, and there's Ianto, who can't get a clean shot and anyway is being yelled at to put the gun down."

"I believe his precise words were, Put the gun down, I'm not kidding, I'll do your Captain," Ianto said. "Droll, I thought."

"What did he call you?" Jack asked, eyes alight.

"I don't recall."

"Oh that's right. Insolent manchild," Jack crowed. Gwen tried not to giggle. "Ianto's got his gun out and this alien smuggler is shouting about doing his boss, and Ianto just says to me, Jack? Is it all right?" Jack paused to swallow his food. "And I say, it's okay, I don't mind, and Mrrfn says, Oh, isn't that sweet. Saying goodbye? and Ianto says..." Jack gestures with his chopsticks for Ianto to finish the story.

"No, asking permission," Ianto said, a wide and cheerful smile on his face. Owen and Tosh cracked up laughing.

"And then he shoots me, in the head," Jack laughed. "Right through, so that it hits Mrrfn in the head too, which probably wouldn't have killed him except that the head is where that species keeps their cardiovascular organ."

"Blood everywhere," Ianto said. "I had to mop it up after I'd done untying Owen and Tosh."

"Asking permission," Jack muttered, still grinning.

"It's only polite," Ianto said.

"So we made a new rule: if you shoot the Captain you buy dinner," Owen said. "Seemed fair."

"And if you don't ask first, you pay for drinks as well," Jack said. "And no pasty shops on the corner, it has to be a real restaurant."

"Which is why this is my treat," Ianto said.

"Manchild," Owen said, and he and Tosh both dissolved into snickers again.

END

Comments

[shebit.livejournal.com]

"Cocky would be running down a narrow hall to a dead end and expecting not to get taken hostage."

Oh, Ianto, I do love you.

Because that line is so him and you know he'd say it completely deadpan, possibly looking pointedly at Jack.

Great little fic.

[jkivela.livejournal.com]

Hee!

[jkivela.livejournal.com]

Oh! That rule needs to be added to your Rule's of Torchwood list ::)

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

SQUEEEEEE! The glory of the line, "No, asking permission"!!

[sam-storyteller.livejournal.com]

It's only polite. :)

[adjovi.livejournal.com]

ha! this is awesome.

[laurab1.livejournal.com]

Ha! Fabulous :)

[pinkfairy727.livejournal.com]

*snort* That's fantastic!

[blessedespised.livejournal.com]

I love Ianto's manners. He remembers to wipe his mouth before he sips his drink :D

[sam-storyteller.livejournal.com]

And undoubtedly he has his napkin tucked in his collar, too :D

[not-hathor.livejournal.com]

Oh. Oh. Oh.

*Laughs Hysterically*

Here via a convoluted path involving Neadods(DW) and Planetgal(HP) and discovering to my absolute delight that you have absoluterly TONS of my favorite sort of fanfiction.....

Totally Brilliant! Although from what I've learned about CJH, when I read: "I believe his precise words were, Put the gun down, I'm not kidding, I'll do your Captain," Ianto said. "Droll, I thought." -- I thought Ianto would retort something along the lines of: "Oh go right ahead, he's shagged most every other alien on the planet at least twice, why should you be any different?"

*still giggling*

And of course Ianto would ask permission......

May I friend you? Please?

Mary (aka not_hathor)

[sam-storyteller.livejournal.com]

Glad you enjoyed the fic! :) "Droll" is Ianto's subtle way of saying "you're the only alien who hasn't" :D

And you are welcome to friend -- all that's posted here is fanfic, though :)

[rabecka.livejournal.com]

Oh lord. It's hard to write a comment while I'm still laughing. This was perfect. Only at Torchwood...

[eleish.livejournal.com]

Wow, this is funny and witty, with very good characterization. Thank you.

[beachlass.livejournal.com]

This totally made me smile. Wonderful snippet of Torchwood life.

[kitkat3979.livejournal.com]

This made me giggle madly.

Poor confused Mrffn thinking that a gun to Jack's head is any sort of advantage over the situation.

[tricksterquinn.livejournal.com]

HAHAHA this *WINS*. They would so need a rule like that.

[pi]

^^ You're probably sensing a theme by now. We really like your Torchwood fics...I'm dropping by again here to ask if I can post a recording of a group of friends and I reading this fic. However unlike the other two the recording device malfunctioned a bit on this one so it starts halfway through the first word. If you want I could edit the recording to have added your name as author and the title at the beginning (it's very easy to do). Greatly looking forward to hearing back from you. Sorry to be pestering you like this, but as you don't have PM enabled I figured I'd leave comments to each one in specific...though actually using my brain and emailing you might be more straightforward. Still, I figure I should comment on how awesome each story is so this is a way of doing that as well!

[cool-tre-cool.livejournal.com]

YES.

[ukdramafan]

Loved, loved, loved this. I'm picturing the conversation they had around the dinner table shortly after Gwen joined, when they talked about mucus in the bath tub. This is even more entertaining and so perfect. Now they talk openly about Jack's immortality and how they work as a team. Of course Ianto would ask permission, and there'd have to be a rule. Still smiling!