The Rules of Torchwood Three

[sam_storyteller]

Title: The Rules of Torchwood Three
Characters: Team
Spoilers: Through 2.13.
Rating: PG, Gen.
Warnings: None.
Author's Notes: Credit to nardo218 for the Matrix screen saver line. Also, ak_alterego has created a graphical version of this with awesome handwriting and layout. If you'd like to comment, you can do so here.

The Rules spawned a series of stories now known as the Rulesverse, centred around an OC named Nicholas who comes to work for Torchwood after Jack's disappearing act at the end of Season One. You can find them at the rulesverse tag. Their proper order is:

1. Nicholas Redux
2. The TARDIS House Rules
3. International Rules
4. The Rules of Social Conduct

They are now all available at AO3.

First posted 2.20.08

Summary:

Imagine, if you will, a raw recruit to Torchwood, stood purposefully in front of a large whiteboard in a corner of the Hub.

"Memorize them," Ianto tells him, claps him on the shoulder, and wanders off.

The Rules of Torchwood Three

We do not mess with the rift.

No, really, we do not mess with the rift.

We do not put pizza boxes on top of alien artefacts even if there is no other room on our desk.

We do not put pizza boxes on top of Jack's biology experiment simply because there is a heat lamp there.

We do not microwave anything in tinfoil. You are all certified geniuses. Learn cause and effect.

We do not smoke anything found growing in the cells even if we are 100% certain we know what it is and if Suzie Ianto ever finds out who planted it, there will be Words.

We do not steal Owen's surgical gloves. They are not Marigolds, balloons, or insulation.

We do not switch off the oxygen feed on Suzie's welding rig simply because she makes amusing faces when she is annoyed.

We do not steal artefacts. We do not abuse the power of stewardship with which we have been entrusted in order to get laid.

We do not touch the coffeemaker. If we want coffee we will ask Ianto.

We do not refer to Gwen as "Rookie", "Angel", or "Flatfoot".

We do not throw tools.

Only Jack is allowed to throttle members of the staff.

We do not find rubber duckies floating in the Hub pool amusing.
Tosh's handwriting: We didn't know they would clog the filters. Sorry.

We do not press buttons on artefacts simply to see what will happen when we do.

We do not under any circumstances take home any aliens no matter how attractive, fuzzy, harmless, or delicious they appear to be.

We do not drink anything, ever, around Tosh's station unless we are Tosh.
Owen's handwriting: Wasn't me.

We do not wear any articles of clothing, armor, or headgear that do not belong to us.

Owen's handwriting, scratched out with a heavy marker pen: We do not store our girlfriends at the Hub.
Jack's Handwriting: We do not throw stones when we live in glass houses. Owen.

We do not refer to Rhys as The Civilian.

We do not borrow Ianto's earpiece because we cannot find ours. We will ask Ianto first if he can find ours.

We do not leave the keys in the SUV. Ever.
Owen's Handwriting: We do not take Owen on camping trips.

We do not denigrate the fine men and women of the local police authority and if they write us parking tickets we do not expect Torchwood, Gwen, or Ianto to get us out of paying.

We do not play first-person shooters, MMORGs, or Tetris on Tosh's computers. We do not install The Sims on any Torchwood servers.

We absolutely do not shag anything we cannot verify as human.
Jack's handwriting: Ianto, this seems very xenophobic to me. There are lots of perfectly charming shaggable species out there who aren't human.
Amendment: Unless we are Jack, who knows what he's doing and it's not like you could stop him anyway.
Jack's handwriting: Don't make me discipline you.

We do not trust the undead. We do not take the undead on field trips.

We do not use Gwen's soymilk even if we are out of cream and not man enough to drink our coffee black.

We do not borrow Ianto's car without asking. We have our own cars.

WE DO NOT MESS WITH THE RIFT.

Jack's handwriting: We do not shoot our superiors OR colleagues.

Gwen's handwriting: We will leave a note if we intend to be missing for more than two hours, days, weeks, months...
Jack's handwriting: We're sorry.

Unauthorised Police Public Call Boxes are required to give advance notice before arrival.
Jack's handwriting: WE SAID we're sorry.

We do not humour the whims of time-traveling ex-partners.
[Evidence of Jack's handwriting has been erased.]

We do not sniff any of the resonators, especially the sub-etheric.

When dying, we will make every effort not to bleed on the SUV's upholstery.

We do not use Ianto's screwdriver set to try and pry open locked boxes. They are obviously locked for a reason.
Gwen's handwriting: Can't resist a puzzle. I'll buy you a new set.

We do not refer to Rhys as Tonto, Robin, or Arthur.

We will respect Owen's desire to become a vegetarian and we will not slip beef into his chili when he is not looking.

Gwen's handwriting: We do not stun-gun people in the head if it is avoidable.
We do not know what Gwen is talking about.

We do not read other peoples' reports, computer screens, or diaries without permission.

WE DO NOT FIRE THE SINGULARITY SCALPEL AT IANTO.
Owen's handwriting: We do not take accidental near-dismemberment personally.

Martha has a boyfriend. Yes, still. Yes. Still.
Martha's handwriting: And if I didn't I'd still shag Ianto first.
Thank you, Martha.

To reiterate: We do not trust the undead nor take them on field trips. A significant goal of Torchwood Three is a decrease in the number of undead per fiscal year.
Owen's handwriting: Get stuffed, Jones.

When Ianto calls us on our headsets we answer promptly.

We do not make inappropriate remarks about childrens' books.

It is not funny to leave the Zombie War Survival Guide on Owen's desk, Gwen.

Jack's handwriting: Maternity leave is now mandatory beginning at first sign of alien impregnation. Maternity leave will be taken in the medical bay or the cells.
Owen's handwriting: Especially for the men.

We do not hurl unnecessary insults at aliens or innocent parents bystanders whom we believe to be aliens.

We do not ask Ianto for mix CDs. He does not "spin like a mofo" and we accept that he does not find this amusing.

We do not think it is funny to install Matrix screensavers on Tosh's computer when she's not looking.

At the first sign of disembodied music of any kind (especially Pipe Organ) we will alert Jack immediately. If we are Jack, we will alert everyone else.

None of us speak Polari, Jack, and none of us want to learn.

We do not eat Tosh's lunch. It is Tosh's lunch and, no matter how hungry we are, we do not eat it. Unless, obviously, we are Tosh.

Gwen's handwriting: No sex in the greenhouse.
That's not going to help much, Gwen.

Doors exist to be knocked upon. Knock thou, and nip trouble in the bud.

Jack's handwriting: Consider the idea that when Jack says no, perhaps there is a reason.
Consider the idea that some reasons are less valid than others.
Jack's handwriting: Consider the idea of being unemployed.
Consider my arse coffee.

If it's on Tosh's desk, don't press its buttons. No. Really.

We do not refer to Rhys as SuperRhys, however much he may deserve the title. It'll only go to his head.
Gwen's handwriting: He will always be Super Rhys to me.
I may gag.

Were we unclear about the part where we don't like the time-traveling ex-partners?
John Hart's Handwriting: That's hardly nice, Eyecandy.

***

The recruit stands in front of the whiteboard. Susie he understands; she was crossed out, Obliterated in the ancient sense -- her name removed, but enough left to read what was wiped away, because she died dishonourably.

Owen and Tosh don't deserve that, but perhaps --

"No," Ianto says, taking the eraser from his hand. "Leave them."

***

Jack's Handwriting: MOST IMPORTANTLY: We're all in this together. Let's make sure it stays that way.The end is where we start from.

Gwen is not allowed to touch the coffee machine.
Gwen's handwriting: You're a bastard, Ianto.
I love you too, Gwen.

JACK I TOLD YOU ABOUT LEAVING ALIEN LIFE FORMS IN THE FRIDGE.

Comments

[joesther.livejournal.com]

We absolutely do not shag anything we cannot verify as human.
Jack's handwriting: Ianto, this seems very xenophobic to me. There are lots of perfectly charming shaggable species out there who aren't human.
Amendment: Unless we are Jack, who knows what he's doing and it's not like you could stop him anyway.
Jack's handwriting: Don't make me discipline you.

OMG YOU HAVE KILLED ME DEAD FROM THE LAUGHING. I love that TW is so laughable-at, but it's still a great show. And so much FUN. :)) :)) :))

[melayneseahawk.livejournal.com]

Ahahaha, I am dead.

[musicianatheart.livejournal.com]

you are amazing.

♥

(edited because I am utter faiol at html)

[lovetheboys.livejournal.com]

*mad gigglefit* Oh my gods that is far too funny. *puts in memories and saves for printing*

Best ones: No The Sims on TW servers, "We do not humour the whims of time-traveling ex-partners", "We do not refer to Rhys as Tonto, Robin or Arthur".

The microwaving things in tin foil made me giggle for like a minute straight.

Thank you so much! This is perfect!

[londonbard.livejournal.com]

We do not put pizza boxes on top of alien artefacts even if there is no other room on our desk.

We do not put pizza boxes on top of Jack's biology experiment simply because there is a heat lamp there.


Laughing is good.

So is breathing.

I'm trying to choose ...

[guestyperson.livejournal.com]

Three words: Hee hee hee.

I got a good laugh out of this, thanks.

[lookatmoiye7.livejournal.com]

UHM YES.

I love this, it really shows, even in such few words, the camaraderie of the team, particualrly this season.

Also, I still maintain that your sole function in life should be to write more Torchwood fics. So. Yes.

[sam-storyteller.livejournal.com]

Well, if they'd pay me, I totally would. :D

[ekaterinn.livejournal.com]

To reiterate: We do not trust the undead nor take them on field trips. A significant goal of Torchwood Three is a decrease in the number of undead per fiscal year.

*dies laughing* *becomes undead* oh shit. Seriously, you've made starting a long day of substitute teaching slightly more appealing. I shall be thinking of these rules all day!

[alasse-fae.livejournal.com]

Is that something I can put on my next employee evaluation for my personal goal?

[mzxanther.livejournal.com]

<< We do not touch the coffeemaker. If we want coffee we will ask Ianto. >>

This first time I read that line my eyes played tricks on me and I saw:

We do not touch the coffeemaker. If we want coffee we will kiss Ianto.


Could make for some real good humour around the Hub. And the look on Ianto's face when it first happens...priceless

These are GREAT!

[sparkysparky.livejournal.com]

I think that would be a very good rule. I approve whole-heartedly.

[abigail89.livejournal.com]

Hee! *saves*

[justinej.livejournal.com]

Very good!! : )

[attaccabottoni.livejournal.com]

"Rules" and "Torchwood Three" together: oxymoron, but funny FTW!

The addendum comments to the rules make me choke on my tea, esp. We do not take accidental near-dismemberment personally.

[sam-storyteller.livejournal.com]

Well, really. You can't be too mad that Owen accidentally almost shot him, and it keeps his reflexes sharp.

[corilannam.livejournal.com]

Oh, this whole thing was priceless. I just kept laughing harder as it went along.

It's hard to pick out a favorite bit, but I just loved:

To reiterate: We do not trust the undead nor take them on field trips. A significant goal of Torchwood Three is a decrease in the number of undead per fiscal year.

I can just see that being a section of whatever semi-annual report Jack has to submit to higher authorities.

[sadcypress.livejournal.com]

Owen's handwriting, scratched out with a heavy marker pen: We do not store our girlfriends at the Hub.
Jack's Handwriting: We do not throw stones when we live in glass houses. Owen.

This might be be my new Favorite Thing Ever. \o/

[hloke.livejournal.com]

OMG.
So much LOL.
I'm printing this and posting it in my office billboard. For realz.

[sam-storyteller.livejournal.com]

LOL, you will have some confused office mates. :D

[dorothy1901]

You win.

[melfinatheblue.livejournal.com]

Rotfl. Wonderful, especially "We do not trust the undead nor take them on field trips. A significant goal of Torchwood Three is a decrease in the number of undead per fiscal year."

[sam-storyteller.livejournal.com]

Well, you have to admit, two undead in two years (three if you count Eugene Jones, four if you count Lisa) is well above average. :D

[go-gentle.livejournal.com]

This is hilarious!

[sparkysparky.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHAHA I LOVE YOU! This is wonderful and has just the right amount of Ianto snark and all the little additions by the team members are priceless. *Love*

[wistful-shadow.livejournal.com]

You have just made a very bad day infinitely better. This is the best Torchwood I've read so far. C:

[kiftgirl.livejournal.com]

Awesome save for a British english failing; we don't use the word hamburger. We might say burger if you mean what you can buy at mcdonalds, but why would you put that in chili. A quick google informs me you probably mean what we call "mince" which is ground up meat, usually beef. But yeah, made no sense to me as a Brit. Else wise lovely.

[sam-storyteller.livejournal.com]

Good to know though :D I think I'll change it just to "beef".

[sanura.livejournal.com]

This gives me the glee.

[dramaturgca.livejournal.com]

I love you.

[jumperkid.livejournal.com]

To reiterate: We do not trust the undead nor take them on field trips. A significant goal of Torchwood Three is a decrease in the number of undead per fiscal year.

And this is why I love you.

[dyingfire.livejournal.com]

Gwen's handwriting: We do not stun-gun people in the head if it is avoidable.
We do not know what Gwen is talking about

Best line!

Will there be a sequel with New Recruit's additions to the Rules? I want see what the NR takes offense to. :) :P

[sam-storyteller.livejournal.com]

I should, but nobody would find them funny 'cause like...I don't know, he isn't in the series I guess. :D If it helps I picture him as Gabriel, Ianto's replacement in "Promotion"....