sam_storyteller: (White Collar)
sam_storyteller ([personal profile] sam_storyteller) wrote2011-06-10 10:34 am

Five White Collar AUs Sam Didn't Write

Title: Five White Collar AUs Sam Didn't Write
Rating: Nothing over PG
Warnings: None.
Summary: These are five AUs that could have been long fics, but aren't. One crossover, two alternate histories, and two alternate realities.
Notes: Hell with it, I don't even know how to deal with this show right now, but I had this stuff written...

Now available on AO3.



I. The Crossover Calculation

Leonard Hofstadter loved his brother Albert, even if he didn't get to see him very often, and even if Albert now insisted his name was Neal. Because he loved his brother, he called him Neal and was happy for him to crash on their couch for a week while he was in town.

He just wished Neal would stop flirting with Penny. And that Sheldon would stop fawning on him (seriously, Sheldon never fawned, but he was convinced Neal was really Batman).

"Don't worry so much," Neal told him, sitting down next to where Leonard was sulking on the couch. "They still love you best, I promise. Well, Sheldon will after he finds out I took his first-edition First Doctor out of the box and played with it."

"You did what?"

"You know I love Doctor Who," Neal said reproachfully. It did make Leonard feel a little better.

"What about Penny?" he asked suspiciously.

Neal patted his leg. "You're my little brother. I'll leave the heartbreaking to you."

II. The Alternate History

Peter got the call four months after Vincent Adler disappeared.

"Are you the agent investigating the counterfeit bonds?" the voice asked.

"Can I ask who's calling?" Peter said warily.

"My name is Neal Caffrey. It won't mean anything to you. We met outside a bank once. I gave you a sucker?"

Peter went still. "I remember."

"I'm with Vincent Adler. He took me with him when he ran. I can give him to you."

"Tell me where you are," Peter said.

"I need you to promise me you'll get me out before you go after him. I didn't know what he was really like, I swear -- "

"Mr. Caffrey -- Neal -- just tell me where you are. If you can get us Adler, we can make a deal," Peter said. There was a long silence on the other end of the line.

"We're in Argentina. It's hard to get away from him, I can't talk for long."

"That's okay. Tell me where you are, we can get you out of there, we'll worry about the rest later."

When he came off the plane in New York, Neal Caffrey was pale, frightened, and so young-looking that Peter felt an oddly paternal urge to hug him. Instead, he led him to the car the Marshals had waiting, and rode with him back to the FBI for his debriefing.

"Thank you," Neal said to him in the car, well-mannered, cool despite his visible fear and handcuffed wrists. "You'll make sure he can't find me?"

"It'll be okay, Neal," Peter said, hoping it was true.

III. The Literary Inspiration
(Expanded here)

On the way to St Louis he hired a bodyguard. There were good reasons to do so....there was also a certain prestige to traveling with a hired man. -- Titanic Thompson, The Man Who Bet On Everything

After the thing with the stuff in Memphis, Neal hired a bodyguard. Peter Burke looked slightly too old to be a fighter, but Neal had seen him in a bar brawl in a seedy little place in Greenwich Village, and he knew Peter's haymaker was solid. Plus he could shoot like a sniper.

"Your job is to look after the luggage, make sure I don't get shot, and play straight man for me when I need you," Neal told him, on the long drive from New York to Chicago, where there was a job waiting for him.

"You're the boss," Peter said. He didn't talk much. Neal knew he was an ex-FBI agent, and had a pretty flexible morality for a former cop. He knew that Peter wasn't leaving anything much behind him in New York that he'd regret. Beyond that, he didn't know anything, really.

Peter was a damn fine bodyguard, though, and he seemed to like to look after Neal; when he was hurt during a heist in Utah, Peter poured out half a bottle of vodka into a bowl to use as disinfectant while he stitched Neal up, and gave him the rest of the bottle to drink, to dull the pain. In California, Peter started helping him dress, knotting his tie and making sure his hair looked tidy. When they went back to Chicago (now that the heat had died down) Peter took the opportunity to unpack them thoroughly and reorganize, making sure everything was clean and in its proper place, while Neal ran around stealing gemstones. Neal began to wonder how he'd lived without him.

They got called back to New York for a job; an art restorer at the Met knew of a couple of gorgeous statues coming in and a buyer who'd like them to be quietly diverted, money no object. Neal met up with her in a little cafe in midtown, and of course he brought Peter along.

"Don't mind him," he told the gorgeous brunette who slid into the booth across from them. "He doesn't talk much."

"He'd better not," Liz said, but she gave Peter a flirtatious smile. Peter was wearing sunglasses and a cool expression, but Neal saw the tips of his ears turn red. The mighty Peter Burke hath fallen, he thought.

Well, he was either going to have to give up his best partner, or take Elizabeth with them when they blew out of town.

Could be fun.

IV. The Comic Book Caper
(Now expanded by Shadow! I've Pushed To Get Through.)

Peter began to suspect Neal was somewhere on the scale when a bad guy tried to shoot him and a bird flew in front of Neal just in time to take the bullet. Neal looked startled but not surprised; Peter narrowed his eyes thoughtfully.

He noticed Neal cheated at cards, but not to win; without the cheating, Neal always won naturally. People remarked sometimes on Neal having pretty good luck. There were other things, small things, but they amounted to something bigger, and Peter wasn't the fastest man in the FBI (literally and metaphorically) for nothing.

"You're on the scale," he said to Neal one morning, as they strolled from Neal's favorite cafe to the Federal Building.

"The what?" Neal asked, but he looked just a little too innocent.

"Have you ever been tested for the Xavier gene?"

The Xavier Gene, which had been discovered in the nineties, was named after the comic book character, and Peter always felt a little silly saying it. "I'm Xavier-positive, five of five" was something he had to tell a doctor any time he had a checkup or an injury, and it just sounded stupid. But it was best to warn that his reflexes were...a little faster than most. It had kept him out of the major leagues; he'd manifested when he was nineteen and Xavier-positives weren't allowed in pro sports, even if they had the exceptional control over their abilities that Peter did. Fortunately, law enforcement really liked Xavier-positives.

"Never been tested," Neal said, and grinned at him. "I'm just an ordinary guy, Peter."

The next time Neal was hurt, Peter had the doctors quietly draw a little blood and run the test. After all, Neal was in his custody; that was legal.

"Yep," said the technician who came around later that day. "He's positive. But you're a Fed, right? You're qualified legally to provide an appraisal of his skills. You think he's dangerous?"

"Not genetically," Peter said.

"What's his skill?"

"I believe," he said, and God, it still felt so stupid to say stuff like this, "he's supremely lucky. Probably about a four on the scale, maybe a five."

The tech laughed. "Good skill. Okay, I'll get that noted on his chart and have some informational literature sent down. Congratulations, Agent Burke, your criminal's a superhero."

V. The Undercover Misadventure

Nick Halden's first day with Adler Financial Management was a whirlwind of contracts, nondisclosure agreements, HR babblespeak, and a grand tour of the company, conducted by Adler personally. They ended up outside Adler's office, where Kate sat enthroned at the reception desk. Nick was affable and friendly; inside, Neal was entranced by her, unfathomably, wholeheartedly.

"Kate will get you set up with a login and everything you need," Adler said, clapping Nick on the back. "She has your assignments. I want a report tomorrow morning."

It was just coming up on lunch. Nick eyed the stack of folders in her outbox, obviously intended for him.

"Oh! And here's Peter," Adler said, waving at a man who was coming down the hallway, a leather folio in one hand. "I was wondering where you were, didn't see you while I was giving our new boy the grand tour. Nick Halden, Peter Burke, my head of portfolio accounting."

Peter was a tall man, broad and imposing, not Nick's idea of an accountant at all. He had worry lines and wore a very expensive suit.

"Nick's my new errand boy," Adler said, as Nick and Burke shook hands. "Peter knows everyone and everything, and he'll be a valuable resource for you," he added to Nick.

"I look forward to working with you," Nick said.

"Likewise," Burke replied. "Mr. Adler, if I could have a moment..."

"Of course. Kate, look after Nick," Adler told her, and the two men disappeared into his enormous office.

"Watch out for him," Kate murmured, as the door shut behind them.

"The accountant?" Nick asked.

"He's got a mind like an ice pick and he has no purpose in life except work. You better be as good as Mr. Adler thinks you are, or Peter Burke's going to be your first and last problem here," she said. "Come on, I'll show you your desk."

(Anonymous) 2011-06-10 04:09 pm (UTC)(link)

I hope someone does eventually expand these babies. ♥
juliekarasik: (Default)

[personal profile] juliekarasik 2011-06-10 04:19 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh dear but I do want all of these AU's expanded. They're just adorable. :)
minkrose: (ms jack sparrow (me))

[personal profile] minkrose 2011-06-10 04:30 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm especially loving III., though I also love the concept of the Xavier gene, and would love to see more of that.

Thank you for sharing even this much!
phoenix64: parker holding an orange and smiling (Default)

[personal profile] phoenix64 2011-06-10 05:31 pm (UTC)(link)
These are all darling, but II and III are adorable.
beledibabe: (Hi sailor (liviapenn))

[personal profile] beledibabe 2011-06-10 05:49 pm (UTC)(link)

I would marry any of these and have their little babies!
giglet: (Elizabeth and Peter)

[personal profile] giglet 2011-06-10 06:08 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh, these are fun!
filomena: (officer neal cuffs)

[personal profile] filomena 2011-06-10 07:27 pm (UTC)(link)
I think I'm about to weep over the might-have-beens.

Would a combo of cuffs and force-fed sushi do anything to change your mind?

Damn you, copperbadge! Quite throwing out better ideas than SOME OF US get all year.

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thette: (Default)

[personal profile] thette 2011-06-10 08:06 pm (UTC)(link)
girlpearl: (baby pirate jesus hates you)

[personal profile] girlpearl 2011-06-10 08:31 pm (UTC)(link)
I am so sad to see the BBT crossover here, Sam. Sad like this: :C

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aelfgyfu_mead: Aelfgyfu as a South Park-style cartoon (Default)

[personal profile] aelfgyfu_mead 2011-06-10 09:55 pm (UTC)(link)
I don't normally even read AUs in this fandom, but yours are fun! The comic-book one is my favorite; I don't even know why.

[personal profile] scarlet_bee 2011-06-10 10:22 pm (UTC)(link)
Dude, these look *awesome*. The Xavier gene one is neat, but the bodyguard is *particularly* appealing.
aki_chan: (Default)

[personal profile] aki_chan 2011-06-11 12:08 am (UTC)(link)
mermaid: mermaid swimming (Default)

[personal profile] mermaid 2011-06-11 02:50 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, wow, so much love for these ideas! Your brain is a fascinating place...
ecaterin: Miles's face from Warrior's Apprentice. Text: We have advanced to new and surprising levels of bafflement. (Default)

[personal profile] ecaterin 2011-06-11 03:32 am (UTC)(link)

Still have managed to resist watching White Collar....but don't know how much longer I'll hold out :D

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[personal profile] princessofgeeks - 2011-06-17 12:41 (UTC) - Expand
greyeyes: (Default)

[personal profile] greyeyes 2011-06-11 04:43 am (UTC)(link)
I. I adore the Big Bang Theory!

II. Ohhh, I want Peter to take care of woobie!Neal.


IV. is *fascinating*! That could be so clever.

V. oooooo, interesting. So Peter is a bad guy?

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(Anonymous) 2011-06-11 08:04 am (UTC)(link)
I vote for 2 and 4.

Although for 2 I would prefer to read what happend before Neal contacted Peter...there are not enough stories involving Adler and Neal out there.

Perhaps you give a shot after all? *puppy eyes*

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changeling: (shadow boys)

[personal profile] changeling 2011-06-11 08:15 am (UTC)(link)
Oh god these are all so GOOOOOD.

I hope you change your mind at some stage in the fyewcha and write them :D

(Anonymous) 2011-06-11 09:23 am (UTC)(link)
sorry for the anon, only have a LJ id....
That said I would vote for 2 & 5 - altough I did like them all. (and the rest of your stories - sorry I lurk most of the time).
I have re-watched the premiere two times now, and once I got over the shock of DarkSideMozzie I liked the new twist and am so looking forward to see how it will play out. hopefully for you too
springwoof: A cartoon rendition of a Woof (Default)

[personal profile] springwoof 2011-06-11 10:01 pm (UTC)(link)
woah! the last two were *extremely interesting*! The fourth simply because of the topic--love it when the characters have an unexpected superpower. But the fifth was intriguing simply because of the way you wrote it...
lannamichaels: Astronaut Dale Gardner holds up For Sale sign after EVA. (Default)

[personal profile] lannamichaels 2011-06-12 03:07 am (UTC)(link)
These are awesome. :)
attackfish: Yshre girl wearing a kippah, text "Attackfish" (Default)

[personal profile] attackfish 2011-06-12 03:29 am (UTC)(link)
Oh II! and IV but II so much. (Actually, I've been tossing around an X men fusion, but I always pictured Neal's power being something more along the lines of the ability to persuade anybody of anything)

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[personal profile] attackfish - 2011-06-12 18:56 (UTC) - Expand

(Anonymous) 2011-06-12 03:29 am (UTC)(link)
I love love love all of these. Seriously- your amazing mind never stops impressing me. If I had any favorites that I could beg you to continue with would be 2, 3, and 5 especially. For example, in time line number two, can Neal be trusted? Is he conning Peter? Or in the 5th scenario, how interesting would a game of cat and mouse between Peter and Neal be?? I think they are at their best when matching wits.. I am obsessed with alternate history story lines, and I love that El appears in number three.

Anyway, I enjoyed seeing these snippets from your brain.(which I imagine is a very chaotic place) :)

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[personal profile] amycat - 2011-06-22 02:52 (UTC) - Expand

Damn you.

[personal profile] dugleik 2011-06-13 10:51 am (UTC)(link)
I really want to write nuber 2 or 5, like I really really really want to write them (and yes, I am slightly obsessed with the idea of Adler). I might end up writing one of them. But not right now. Well, maybe right now. But I will be reading for my exams first. Probably. I hope.

[personal profile] maeritrae 2011-06-13 10:56 am (UTC)(link)
I really want to see 4...

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zzanthalinn: if a lion knelt to kiss a rose... (Default)

[personal profile] zzanthalinn 2011-06-14 11:23 am (UTC)(link)
*He's got a mind like an ice pick and he has no purpose in life except work.*

Yes, we can all thank God for Elizabeth.

Also, you give great simile.

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