sam_storyteller (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sam_storyteller) wrote2005-07-01 11:59 pm
sam_storyteller) wrote2005-07-01 11:59 pm
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Ouran Host Club: The Brilliant Find A Date For Kyouya Plan, Part 2/2
Part One
***
AUDITIONS FOR AN ARRANGEDMARRIAGE DATE
Thank you for auditioning for the post of assistant manageress to the Ouran High School Host Club. Please answer all questions.
Name: ______________________
Class (circle one) A B C D
Year (circle one) First Second Third
1. Where is your ideal dream date?
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
2. Do you object to regular surveillance and background checks?
__ Yes __ No
3. Please list your family's financial holdings and your personal portfolio (as current as possible). Attach an extra page if needed.
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
4. Which mangas do you read, if any? Attach an extra page if needed.
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
5. I like: (check all that apply)
___ Making Money
___ Banana Splits
___ Glasses
___ Doctors
___ "Cool-type" Characters
___ Instant Coffee
___ Kyouya Ohtori
___ Bunnies
___ Bishounen
6. When I attend Host Club I usually designate:
_________________________________________
7. List any clubs to which you belong:
_________________________________________
Thank you! Please remember to attach a head-shot and your one-page essay on why you would be the best assistant manageress for the Ouran High School Host Club.
***
HARUHI IS REALLY GOOD AT ASKING QUESTIONS
"Assistant Manageress?" Haruhi asked, staring hard at the two girls who were giggling over cake with Renge in a corner. "Why do we need an assistant manageress?"
"Oh, we don't," Hikaru said lazily, sitting on the couch next to her.
"Our Lord has a devious plan," Kaoru added.
Haruhi looked at Tamaki, who was sitting in a corner, glaring sulkily at the Hitachiin twins. "Oh?"
"He's going to find a girlfriend for Kyouya," Kaoru said. "We cleverly disguised the application form as an application for Assistant Manageress. They're the finalists."
"But Kyouya doesn't seem to want a girlfriend," Haruhi said tactfully.
"Our Lord thinks you're in love with Kyouya, so he wants to distract him."
"Whaa -- ?" Haruhi asked, stunned. The twins shrugged.
"It's fun," Hikaru said. "And maybe Kyouya could do with a girlfriend."
"He'll probably spend all his time discussing stocks with her," Kaoru mused.
"While they make out!" Hikaru laughed.
"THAT ISN'T NICE," Haruhi said. The twins immediately stopped laughing.
"Do you liiiiike Kyouya reaaaaaaally?" Kaoru teased.
"I think she liiiiiiikes Kyouya," Hikaru agreed.
"I don't! I mean, I do, but not like that!" Haruhi protested. "Besides, he -- "
She clapped a hand over her mouth. The twins closed ranks on her, holding her on the couch.
"She knows who Kyouya likes!" Hikaru said.
"She wouldn't keep secrets from her buddies," Kaoru said.
"So tell us, Haruhiii!" they chorused.
Haruhi sighed.
"You can't be mean to him about it," she said. "And not even while pretending to know that you don't know. You have to promise on -- on -- on Usa-chan!"
Both looked taken aback.
"That serious?" they asked in a hushed tone. Haruhi nodded. "Ok, we promise!"
"He likes Tamaki-senpai," she whispered. Their golden eyes grew round like saucers.
"Kyouya's a homo?" they gasped.
"Shut up! That's not a nice way to say it," she scolded.
"Okama?" Hikaru suggested.
"He's not really girly though -- "
"-- ah! Jani-type? -- "
"-- He'd kill us if we called him that! Onnagirai is more elegant," Kaoru suggested. They both turned to her.
"Kyouya, an onnagirai?"
"If you tell him I will kill you," Haruhi said. "Commoners have ways!"
"We won't tell," Hikaru said, glancing at Tamaki.
"Definitely we won't tell," Kaoru agreed, turning the other way to look at Kyouya.
"I'm going to regret this," Haruhi sighed to herself, not noticing that they had both turned to look at Mori.
***
KYOUYA IS NOT AFRAID OF REJECTION
"Kyouuuuuya," Tamaki said, calling across the room. He and the rest of Host Club boys were gathered at a single table, while Renge and the thrilled new Assistant Manageress were deeply questioning Haruhi about the brands and flavours of Instantu Coffee. "We need your help!"
"Coming," Kyouya sighed, crossing the room and seating himself in the empty chair. "What is it?"
"Our new assistant manageress is a little shy, I think," Tamaki said. "And she needs to be told about how we run the Host Club. You know about that kind of thing."
"Of course."
"So, will you explain all the rules to her?"
"Yes," Kyouya said, slightly perplexed.
"But, we think she'll still be shy if she's around all of us at once," the twins interjected.
"So you should take her somewhere she'll enjoy herself!" Hunny said cheerfully. Kyouya glanced at Mori, but Mori was looking over his shoulder at Haruhi.
"Where do you suggest I take her?" Kyouya asked.
"We've prepared a list," Tamaki said, offering it to him. He scanned it.
"The movies?" he asked.
"You could explain before the movie starts," Kaoru shrugged.
"Dinner at Le Fruit Jaune?"
"It's the best restaurant in the city."
"Yes, I'm aware...the beach?" Kyouya looked up at them. "You don't think that might be a little distracting?"
Tamaki shrugged with studied carelessness. The twins winked at him in unison, which was disturbing. Kyouya finished reading the list.
"Ok," he said, slipping it under some papers on his clipboard and standing.
"Kyouya -- " Tamaki began, but Kyouya had already begun to cross the floor. He stopped in front of the new member of the Host Club.
"Miss Hatori, as Vice President of the Host Club, it is my duty to inform you of the rules and bylaws," he said, bowing. "To that end, would you accompany me to dinner this evening at Le Fruit Jaune?"
The rest of the boys were staring at him. He sighed inwardly. Charming, wealthy, admired by every woman they encountered, and still totally petrified of asking someone out on a date. It wasn't as though one lost money if one failed. Unlike the Host Club activities, ironically.
"Ah...ah...of course!" the girl said, blushing and smiling. "Thank you, Ohtori-senpai!"
"Kyouya-senpai, please," Kyouya said, smiling at her. Haruhi was staring round-eyed at him. "I'll send a driver at seven."
***
HIKARU AND KAORU HELP THE KING
"Looord," Hikaru said, appearing just behind Tamaki's left shoulder as the King of the Host Club watched Kyouya make dinner reservations on his cellular phone. From a healthy distance, of course.
"Kiiiiing," Kaoru added, appearing behind his other shoulder. "Have you forgotten part of your plan?"
"What? I haven't forgotten anything!" Tamaki snapped.
"You're in charge of monitoring the date now," Kaoru said. "We did our part. It's your turn."
"Now, you could cosplay a waiter, but that's really beneath you," Hikaru continued, ticking off Tamaki's options on his fingers. "Or you could hire a detective to have them followed, but where's the fun in that?"
Kaoru reached around Tamaki and tapped another of Hikaru's fingers. "You could dress up incognito and hide behind a bush, but that's dangerous..."
"Or," they chorused, "You could have dinner too."
"With Haruhi," said Kaoru.
Tamaki, who had been listening with impatient tolerance, was now all ears. "With Haruhi?" he asked.
"After all, she should really see Kyouya out on a date if you're going to prove to her that he's inappropriate for her," Kaoru purred.
"Yes," Tamaki agreed, rubbing his chin slowly. "That's a good idea. Taking Haruhi to have dinner too and see Kyouya going out with another woman. That will surely make her believe that she shouldn't be in love with him. WELL DONE, HITACHIIN BROTHERS!"
The twins exchanged a knowing look behind Tamaki's back and slunk away while he was busy rehearsing how he would ask Haruhi out. Hikaru broke off first and went after Mori; Kaoru veered away to locate Haruhi and have a word with her. Even so, they took up positions where they could see each other while they worked.
"Mori-senpai," Hikaru said, sitting between Mori and Hunny at one of the Host Club's small tables. They were drinking Haruhi's bizarre instantu coffee and eating cookies. "Mori-senpai, how do you think the Brilliant Find A Date For Kyouya Plan is working?"
Mori was as poker-faced as ever. "Fine," he said, sipping his coffee.
"Our new assistant manageress is so nice!" Hunny added.
"Indeed," Mori agreed.
Hikaru sighed. It was always a bit slow-going with Mori. He glanced at Kaoru, who seemed to be having no better luck with Haruhi.
"Why do I have to go instead of one of you?" Haruhi asked Kaoru, looking perplexed and slightly annoyed. "I don't want to spend my whole evening spying on Kyouya."
"You don't have to spy, Tamaki-senpai will do enough spying for both of you. You just have to go to keep him calm," Kaoru said.
"What a waste of money and time," Haruhi declared.
"Well, we're paying for it, so what's price to you?"
"It's not even a real date," Haruhi said. "You don't think that's a little...stupid?"
"Stupid?" Kaoru asked. "What's stupid?"
"Me going on a fake date with Tamaki-senpai in order to spy on Kyouya-senpai's fake date when really he's in love with Tamaki-senpai," she said. "That seems stupid to me."
Kaoru rested his head on his hands, a little despairingly. He glanced up at Hikaru, who at least was making better headway with Mori.
"Ok," Mori said to Hikaru.
"Just ok?" Hikaru asked, annoyed. "I'm asking you to go spy on two people who are already spying on someone and dress up as waiters to do it and that's all you're going to say? Ok?"
"Ok," Mori repeated. "I can do that."
He sipped his coffee placidly. Hunny bounced up and down a little in his chair.
"Will there be desserts?" he demanded.
"Probably," Mori answered.
"Yaaay!"
Hikaru glanced up at Kaoru and nodded. Mission accomplished.
Kaoru gave Hikaru a small thumbs-up sign as Haruhi sighed and agreed to humour the twins under threat of having them come to her apartment building in drag and sing okama-bar cabaret numbers outside her door all night long. It wasn't the drag or the cabaret songs that she minded, she said; it was that her father would probably put on his best silk dress and join in, and he really needed his rest.
***
TRIPLE ESPIONAGE IS ALMOST AS TASTY AS CAKE
A casual observer at Le Fruit Jaune that evening would have seen a handsome, dark-haired young man squiring a pretty teenaged girl on a date. Probably a first date; she was nervous and laughed a little too much, while he smiled indulgently and talked more than she did. Just two high school students -- no doubt from Ouran, as nobody else would be able to afford Le Fruit Jaune on a first date.
A more keen observer would have noticed that another couple was watching the first couple; a blond boy in ridiculous "disguise" glasses and a girl looking like she was trying very hard not to laugh at him were seated not far from the first couple, but behind a potted plant that the boy kept pushing to one side so that he could sneak peeks at them.
A truly excellent observer -- and they would have to be a regular at Le Fruit Jaune -- would have noticed that there were two more waiters than usual in the dining room, one of whom did nothing but push the dessert cart from table to table. They might have been able to pick out a very tall, very young waiter as the least-experienced of the lot, probably a trainee. Such a handsome young boy, too.
But it would take a master detective to notice all these things and also notice the pair of redheads standing on the balcony overlooking the dining room, watching the others -- the couple on their first date, the blond boy in disguise and his frustrated conspirator, the cake-obsessed waiter, the tall trainee.
Kaoru, leaning indolently on the railing, glanced at Hikaru. "Kyouya-senpai's seen us."
"He sees everything," Hikaru answered.
"Well, we're not doing this for him, anyway."
"No."
"No."
"We're doing it for our Lord."
Kaoru sighed lightly. "But how to bring them together?"
"I've taken care of it," Hikaru said.
"You sound like Kyouya-senpai."
"Well, I'm taking lessons from him."
"What did you do?"
"Wait," Hikaru said, watching raptly.
Kaoru, sensing that his twin had utter confidence in their plan, watched the dining room below. His eyes took in everything with the practice of many years: people eating and talking, entering and leaving, waiters circulating, busboys circumspectly clearing tables.
Fashion designers are obsessed with detail, and their mother had instilled the obsession in them. What Kaoru watched, without even thinking about it, was Tamaki's ever-growing agitation with Kyouya and his date. The fidget of fingers around a fork, the twitch of an eyebrow, the incline of Tamaki's head as he made a jealous remark to Haruhi -- all these were catalogued by Kaoru without much thought, as a mere matter of course.
Kyouya had inclined his head close to his dinner partner's and was speaking quietly, one hand twirling the stem of a wineglass filled with icewater. She said something and he smiled, visibly, lips much less taut and guarded than normal.
When this happened Tamaki stood up, and Hikaru's hand gripped his brother's shoulder tightly. All the little details assembled themselves into a coherent whole. Kaoru smiled slightly.
"Our Lord is an open book," he observed.
"At least," Hikaru agreed, "a predictable variable."
"You have been learning from Kyouya."
***
TAMAKI FALLS FOR KYOUYA
When Tamaki stood up several things happened at once.
Haruhi, who was not entirely comfortable in such an expensive restaurant and who halfway despised these people buying ridiculously overpriced food, tugged at Tamaki's sleeve. He was liable to make a scene and, while she didn't particularly care if people stared, she thought Kyouya probably would. Besides, perhaps the time really had come to tell Tamaki, so that he wouldn't be jealous.
But, at the same time as Haruhi made a grab for his sleeve, Tamaki resolutely stepped forward to close part of the gap between himself and Kyouya's table. This, of course, caused Kyouya to stand up. He seemed surprised that Tamaki was there, though that was really pretty unlikely, given how observant Kyouya could be. Then again, love is blind.
With Kyouya standing, his chair crookedly pushed back behind him, Tamaki only increased his pace. At the same time, Mori, with a tray full of pasta, looked up at the balcony. The Hitachiin brothers were standing there nearly as indolent as ever, but with an alertness in their faces that was unmistakeable. Kaoru nodded to Mori, who pivoted with the grace of a professional dancer and, without apparently even coming near Tamaki, casually put his foot into the blond boy's path.
"Kyouya-kun, we asked you to explain the rules of our club to Miss Hatori, not -- " Tamaki began, but at that point his foot encountered Mori's ankle.
Tamaki seemed to teeter forward for an eternity, arms outstretched, body suddenly forward off-balance. Haruhi barely had time to cover her eyes in despair before Tamaki crashed down, right into Kyouya's chest. Kyouya could have caught him were it not for the fact that he was knocked backwards over a corner of his chair. They fell together in a tangle of lanky limbs.
Mori swept away before anyone had really seen him, deftly serving his pasta-laden tray to a family in another part of the dining room. He even had the presence of mind to offer them grated parmesan.
From his position at the dessert cart, Hunny stared in horror. Above, the Hitachiin brothers smirked in unison. Haruhi and Hatori had both risen from their seats, hands over mouths at the mess Mori had wrought.
Tamaki, however, was more shocked than either woman. Pinned beneath him, both hands on Tamaki's shoulders, Kyouya -- Kyouya Ohtori -- was blushing. Two faint red spots had appeared high on his cheeks, linking across the bridge of his nose. Worse still, Tamaki found himself blushing too, and inhaling the smell of Kyouya, ink and subtle cologne.
Nearby, the new assistant manageress had burst into embarrassed tears and was rapidly fleeing the scene.
"K -- Kyouya?" Tamaki asked uncertainly. Kyouya inhaled sharply. "Are you all right?"
"Get off," Kyouya replied. He wouldn't meet his eyes.
Tamaki put his hands on the carpet on either side of Kyouya's head, pushing himself upright. His body pressed against Kyouya's for a minute, and then Tamaki blushed, too.
He offered Kyouya a hand up, to the sardonic applause of the room. Kyouya's thumb brushed the back of his hand, questioningly.
"Miss Hatori has run off," he observed.
"Embarrassment," Kyouya said. He hadn't let go of Tamaki's hand.
"You don't even like her, do you, Mother?" Tamaki asked. Kyouya ducked his head, entirely unlike himself.
"No, Father," he answered.
"Well, you can't sit alone," Tamaki continued, trying to be blithe. "Haruhi and I will sit with you -- "
He stopped, because Kyouya was looking past him, at the table he and Haruhi had been occupying. Haruhi was seated again, talking with --
"Oh," Tamaki said. "I guess I'll sit with you at your table."
"I'd like that," Kyouya remarked quietly.
***
MORI-SENPAI IS A VERY GOOD WAITER BUT A BETTER DATE
"This was all planned from the start, wasn't it?" Haruhi asked.
Mori, who had shed his waiter's tie and coat but still managed to look very elegant, shrugged.
"Kaoru," he said, as if that answered everything.
Behind him, Tamaki and Kyouya were sitting close together, talking softly. Mori was eating and looking at Haruhi as if nothing else in the world mattered at all.
"Perhaps he'll leave me alone now," Haruhi suggested with a smile.
"Perhaps," Mori answered. Haruhi caught a subtle note in his voice that was normally absent.
"Leaving...an opportunity?" she asked.
"Eh?"
"An opportunity. If...someone else thought I was...interesting, but didn't want to do anything as long as the President of the Host Club was in the way," Haruhi said. "If he and Kyouya work things out, that means he's not interested in me anymore."
"Sure," he agreed. They lapsed into comfortable silence, until Haruhi laughed.
"What?" Mori inquired.
"It's nothing," she said. "I just never thought I'd end up with the strong, silent type, that's all."
Mori contemplated this.
"I can talk, you know," he said finally.
"Yes, I know," she said.
"I'm going to kiss you when we leave."
"I'm looking forward to it."
"Good."
From elsewhere in the restaurant came the faint sound of Hunny's voice, extolling the virtues of the lemon cakes. Haruhi smiled to herself, watching as Kyouya put down enough cash to cover his bill and led Tamaki out of the restaurant.
In an odd way, she was looking forward to seeing Tamaki play up the boy-love angle for the Host Club patrons; besides, there was a kiss from Mori to look forward to, and the twins had vanished from view.
HAPPY ENDING, HOST CLUB!
***
AUDITIONS FOR AN ARRANGED
Thank you for auditioning for the post of assistant manageress to the Ouran High School Host Club. Please answer all questions.
Name: ______________________
Class (circle one) A B C D
Year (circle one) First Second Third
1. Where is your ideal dream date?
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
2. Do you object to regular surveillance and background checks?
__ Yes __ No
3. Please list your family's financial holdings and your personal portfolio (as current as possible). Attach an extra page if needed.
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
4. Which mangas do you read, if any? Attach an extra page if needed.
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
5. I like: (check all that apply)
___ Making Money
___ Banana Splits
___ Glasses
___ Doctors
___ "Cool-type" Characters
___ Instant Coffee
___ Kyouya Ohtori
___ Bunnies
___ Bishounen
6. When I attend Host Club I usually designate:
_________________________________________
7. List any clubs to which you belong:
_________________________________________
Thank you! Please remember to attach a head-shot and your one-page essay on why you would be the best assistant manageress for the Ouran High School Host Club.
***
HARUHI IS REALLY GOOD AT ASKING QUESTIONS
"Assistant Manageress?" Haruhi asked, staring hard at the two girls who were giggling over cake with Renge in a corner. "Why do we need an assistant manageress?"
"Oh, we don't," Hikaru said lazily, sitting on the couch next to her.
"Our Lord has a devious plan," Kaoru added.
Haruhi looked at Tamaki, who was sitting in a corner, glaring sulkily at the Hitachiin twins. "Oh?"
"He's going to find a girlfriend for Kyouya," Kaoru said. "We cleverly disguised the application form as an application for Assistant Manageress. They're the finalists."
"But Kyouya doesn't seem to want a girlfriend," Haruhi said tactfully.
"Our Lord thinks you're in love with Kyouya, so he wants to distract him."
"Whaa -- ?" Haruhi asked, stunned. The twins shrugged.
"It's fun," Hikaru said. "And maybe Kyouya could do with a girlfriend."
"He'll probably spend all his time discussing stocks with her," Kaoru mused.
"While they make out!" Hikaru laughed.
"THAT ISN'T NICE," Haruhi said. The twins immediately stopped laughing.
"Do you liiiiike Kyouya reaaaaaaally?" Kaoru teased.
"I think she liiiiiiikes Kyouya," Hikaru agreed.
"I don't! I mean, I do, but not like that!" Haruhi protested. "Besides, he -- "
She clapped a hand over her mouth. The twins closed ranks on her, holding her on the couch.
"She knows who Kyouya likes!" Hikaru said.
"She wouldn't keep secrets from her buddies," Kaoru said.
"So tell us, Haruhiii!" they chorused.
Haruhi sighed.
"You can't be mean to him about it," she said. "And not even while pretending to know that you don't know. You have to promise on -- on -- on Usa-chan!"
Both looked taken aback.
"That serious?" they asked in a hushed tone. Haruhi nodded. "Ok, we promise!"
"He likes Tamaki-senpai," she whispered. Their golden eyes grew round like saucers.
"Kyouya's a homo?" they gasped.
"Shut up! That's not a nice way to say it," she scolded.
"Okama?" Hikaru suggested.
"He's not really girly though -- "
"-- ah! Jani-type? -- "
"-- He'd kill us if we called him that! Onnagirai is more elegant," Kaoru suggested. They both turned to her.
"Kyouya, an onnagirai?"
"If you tell him I will kill you," Haruhi said. "Commoners have ways!"
"We won't tell," Hikaru said, glancing at Tamaki.
"Definitely we won't tell," Kaoru agreed, turning the other way to look at Kyouya.
"I'm going to regret this," Haruhi sighed to herself, not noticing that they had both turned to look at Mori.
***
KYOUYA IS NOT AFRAID OF REJECTION
"Kyouuuuuya," Tamaki said, calling across the room. He and the rest of Host Club boys were gathered at a single table, while Renge and the thrilled new Assistant Manageress were deeply questioning Haruhi about the brands and flavours of Instantu Coffee. "We need your help!"
"Coming," Kyouya sighed, crossing the room and seating himself in the empty chair. "What is it?"
"Our new assistant manageress is a little shy, I think," Tamaki said. "And she needs to be told about how we run the Host Club. You know about that kind of thing."
"Of course."
"So, will you explain all the rules to her?"
"Yes," Kyouya said, slightly perplexed.
"But, we think she'll still be shy if she's around all of us at once," the twins interjected.
"So you should take her somewhere she'll enjoy herself!" Hunny said cheerfully. Kyouya glanced at Mori, but Mori was looking over his shoulder at Haruhi.
"Where do you suggest I take her?" Kyouya asked.
"We've prepared a list," Tamaki said, offering it to him. He scanned it.
"The movies?" he asked.
"You could explain before the movie starts," Kaoru shrugged.
"Dinner at Le Fruit Jaune?"
"It's the best restaurant in the city."
"Yes, I'm aware...the beach?" Kyouya looked up at them. "You don't think that might be a little distracting?"
Tamaki shrugged with studied carelessness. The twins winked at him in unison, which was disturbing. Kyouya finished reading the list.
"Ok," he said, slipping it under some papers on his clipboard and standing.
"Kyouya -- " Tamaki began, but Kyouya had already begun to cross the floor. He stopped in front of the new member of the Host Club.
"Miss Hatori, as Vice President of the Host Club, it is my duty to inform you of the rules and bylaws," he said, bowing. "To that end, would you accompany me to dinner this evening at Le Fruit Jaune?"
The rest of the boys were staring at him. He sighed inwardly. Charming, wealthy, admired by every woman they encountered, and still totally petrified of asking someone out on a date. It wasn't as though one lost money if one failed. Unlike the Host Club activities, ironically.
"Ah...ah...of course!" the girl said, blushing and smiling. "Thank you, Ohtori-senpai!"
"Kyouya-senpai, please," Kyouya said, smiling at her. Haruhi was staring round-eyed at him. "I'll send a driver at seven."
***
HIKARU AND KAORU HELP THE KING
"Looord," Hikaru said, appearing just behind Tamaki's left shoulder as the King of the Host Club watched Kyouya make dinner reservations on his cellular phone. From a healthy distance, of course.
"Kiiiiing," Kaoru added, appearing behind his other shoulder. "Have you forgotten part of your plan?"
"What? I haven't forgotten anything!" Tamaki snapped.
"You're in charge of monitoring the date now," Kaoru said. "We did our part. It's your turn."
"Now, you could cosplay a waiter, but that's really beneath you," Hikaru continued, ticking off Tamaki's options on his fingers. "Or you could hire a detective to have them followed, but where's the fun in that?"
Kaoru reached around Tamaki and tapped another of Hikaru's fingers. "You could dress up incognito and hide behind a bush, but that's dangerous..."
"Or," they chorused, "You could have dinner too."
"With Haruhi," said Kaoru.
Tamaki, who had been listening with impatient tolerance, was now all ears. "With Haruhi?" he asked.
"After all, she should really see Kyouya out on a date if you're going to prove to her that he's inappropriate for her," Kaoru purred.
"Yes," Tamaki agreed, rubbing his chin slowly. "That's a good idea. Taking Haruhi to have dinner too and see Kyouya going out with another woman. That will surely make her believe that she shouldn't be in love with him. WELL DONE, HITACHIIN BROTHERS!"
The twins exchanged a knowing look behind Tamaki's back and slunk away while he was busy rehearsing how he would ask Haruhi out. Hikaru broke off first and went after Mori; Kaoru veered away to locate Haruhi and have a word with her. Even so, they took up positions where they could see each other while they worked.
"Mori-senpai," Hikaru said, sitting between Mori and Hunny at one of the Host Club's small tables. They were drinking Haruhi's bizarre instantu coffee and eating cookies. "Mori-senpai, how do you think the Brilliant Find A Date For Kyouya Plan is working?"
Mori was as poker-faced as ever. "Fine," he said, sipping his coffee.
"Our new assistant manageress is so nice!" Hunny added.
"Indeed," Mori agreed.
Hikaru sighed. It was always a bit slow-going with Mori. He glanced at Kaoru, who seemed to be having no better luck with Haruhi.
"Why do I have to go instead of one of you?" Haruhi asked Kaoru, looking perplexed and slightly annoyed. "I don't want to spend my whole evening spying on Kyouya."
"You don't have to spy, Tamaki-senpai will do enough spying for both of you. You just have to go to keep him calm," Kaoru said.
"What a waste of money and time," Haruhi declared.
"Well, we're paying for it, so what's price to you?"
"It's not even a real date," Haruhi said. "You don't think that's a little...stupid?"
"Stupid?" Kaoru asked. "What's stupid?"
"Me going on a fake date with Tamaki-senpai in order to spy on Kyouya-senpai's fake date when really he's in love with Tamaki-senpai," she said. "That seems stupid to me."
Kaoru rested his head on his hands, a little despairingly. He glanced up at Hikaru, who at least was making better headway with Mori.
"Ok," Mori said to Hikaru.
"Just ok?" Hikaru asked, annoyed. "I'm asking you to go spy on two people who are already spying on someone and dress up as waiters to do it and that's all you're going to say? Ok?"
"Ok," Mori repeated. "I can do that."
He sipped his coffee placidly. Hunny bounced up and down a little in his chair.
"Will there be desserts?" he demanded.
"Probably," Mori answered.
"Yaaay!"
Hikaru glanced up at Kaoru and nodded. Mission accomplished.
Kaoru gave Hikaru a small thumbs-up sign as Haruhi sighed and agreed to humour the twins under threat of having them come to her apartment building in drag and sing okama-bar cabaret numbers outside her door all night long. It wasn't the drag or the cabaret songs that she minded, she said; it was that her father would probably put on his best silk dress and join in, and he really needed his rest.
***
TRIPLE ESPIONAGE IS ALMOST AS TASTY AS CAKE
A casual observer at Le Fruit Jaune that evening would have seen a handsome, dark-haired young man squiring a pretty teenaged girl on a date. Probably a first date; she was nervous and laughed a little too much, while he smiled indulgently and talked more than she did. Just two high school students -- no doubt from Ouran, as nobody else would be able to afford Le Fruit Jaune on a first date.
A more keen observer would have noticed that another couple was watching the first couple; a blond boy in ridiculous "disguise" glasses and a girl looking like she was trying very hard not to laugh at him were seated not far from the first couple, but behind a potted plant that the boy kept pushing to one side so that he could sneak peeks at them.
A truly excellent observer -- and they would have to be a regular at Le Fruit Jaune -- would have noticed that there were two more waiters than usual in the dining room, one of whom did nothing but push the dessert cart from table to table. They might have been able to pick out a very tall, very young waiter as the least-experienced of the lot, probably a trainee. Such a handsome young boy, too.
But it would take a master detective to notice all these things and also notice the pair of redheads standing on the balcony overlooking the dining room, watching the others -- the couple on their first date, the blond boy in disguise and his frustrated conspirator, the cake-obsessed waiter, the tall trainee.
Kaoru, leaning indolently on the railing, glanced at Hikaru. "Kyouya-senpai's seen us."
"He sees everything," Hikaru answered.
"Well, we're not doing this for him, anyway."
"No."
"No."
"We're doing it for our Lord."
Kaoru sighed lightly. "But how to bring them together?"
"I've taken care of it," Hikaru said.
"You sound like Kyouya-senpai."
"Well, I'm taking lessons from him."
"What did you do?"
"Wait," Hikaru said, watching raptly.
Kaoru, sensing that his twin had utter confidence in their plan, watched the dining room below. His eyes took in everything with the practice of many years: people eating and talking, entering and leaving, waiters circulating, busboys circumspectly clearing tables.
Fashion designers are obsessed with detail, and their mother had instilled the obsession in them. What Kaoru watched, without even thinking about it, was Tamaki's ever-growing agitation with Kyouya and his date. The fidget of fingers around a fork, the twitch of an eyebrow, the incline of Tamaki's head as he made a jealous remark to Haruhi -- all these were catalogued by Kaoru without much thought, as a mere matter of course.
Kyouya had inclined his head close to his dinner partner's and was speaking quietly, one hand twirling the stem of a wineglass filled with icewater. She said something and he smiled, visibly, lips much less taut and guarded than normal.
When this happened Tamaki stood up, and Hikaru's hand gripped his brother's shoulder tightly. All the little details assembled themselves into a coherent whole. Kaoru smiled slightly.
"Our Lord is an open book," he observed.
"At least," Hikaru agreed, "a predictable variable."
"You have been learning from Kyouya."
***
TAMAKI FALLS FOR KYOUYA
When Tamaki stood up several things happened at once.
Haruhi, who was not entirely comfortable in such an expensive restaurant and who halfway despised these people buying ridiculously overpriced food, tugged at Tamaki's sleeve. He was liable to make a scene and, while she didn't particularly care if people stared, she thought Kyouya probably would. Besides, perhaps the time really had come to tell Tamaki, so that he wouldn't be jealous.
But, at the same time as Haruhi made a grab for his sleeve, Tamaki resolutely stepped forward to close part of the gap between himself and Kyouya's table. This, of course, caused Kyouya to stand up. He seemed surprised that Tamaki was there, though that was really pretty unlikely, given how observant Kyouya could be. Then again, love is blind.
With Kyouya standing, his chair crookedly pushed back behind him, Tamaki only increased his pace. At the same time, Mori, with a tray full of pasta, looked up at the balcony. The Hitachiin brothers were standing there nearly as indolent as ever, but with an alertness in their faces that was unmistakeable. Kaoru nodded to Mori, who pivoted with the grace of a professional dancer and, without apparently even coming near Tamaki, casually put his foot into the blond boy's path.
"Kyouya-kun, we asked you to explain the rules of our club to Miss Hatori, not -- " Tamaki began, but at that point his foot encountered Mori's ankle.
Tamaki seemed to teeter forward for an eternity, arms outstretched, body suddenly forward off-balance. Haruhi barely had time to cover her eyes in despair before Tamaki crashed down, right into Kyouya's chest. Kyouya could have caught him were it not for the fact that he was knocked backwards over a corner of his chair. They fell together in a tangle of lanky limbs.
Mori swept away before anyone had really seen him, deftly serving his pasta-laden tray to a family in another part of the dining room. He even had the presence of mind to offer them grated parmesan.
From his position at the dessert cart, Hunny stared in horror. Above, the Hitachiin brothers smirked in unison. Haruhi and Hatori had both risen from their seats, hands over mouths at the mess Mori had wrought.
Tamaki, however, was more shocked than either woman. Pinned beneath him, both hands on Tamaki's shoulders, Kyouya -- Kyouya Ohtori -- was blushing. Two faint red spots had appeared high on his cheeks, linking across the bridge of his nose. Worse still, Tamaki found himself blushing too, and inhaling the smell of Kyouya, ink and subtle cologne.
Nearby, the new assistant manageress had burst into embarrassed tears and was rapidly fleeing the scene.
"K -- Kyouya?" Tamaki asked uncertainly. Kyouya inhaled sharply. "Are you all right?"
"Get off," Kyouya replied. He wouldn't meet his eyes.
Tamaki put his hands on the carpet on either side of Kyouya's head, pushing himself upright. His body pressed against Kyouya's for a minute, and then Tamaki blushed, too.
He offered Kyouya a hand up, to the sardonic applause of the room. Kyouya's thumb brushed the back of his hand, questioningly.
"Miss Hatori has run off," he observed.
"Embarrassment," Kyouya said. He hadn't let go of Tamaki's hand.
"You don't even like her, do you, Mother?" Tamaki asked. Kyouya ducked his head, entirely unlike himself.
"No, Father," he answered.
"Well, you can't sit alone," Tamaki continued, trying to be blithe. "Haruhi and I will sit with you -- "
He stopped, because Kyouya was looking past him, at the table he and Haruhi had been occupying. Haruhi was seated again, talking with --
"Oh," Tamaki said. "I guess I'll sit with you at your table."
"I'd like that," Kyouya remarked quietly.
***
MORI-SENPAI IS A VERY GOOD WAITER BUT A BETTER DATE
"This was all planned from the start, wasn't it?" Haruhi asked.
Mori, who had shed his waiter's tie and coat but still managed to look very elegant, shrugged.
"Kaoru," he said, as if that answered everything.
Behind him, Tamaki and Kyouya were sitting close together, talking softly. Mori was eating and looking at Haruhi as if nothing else in the world mattered at all.
"Perhaps he'll leave me alone now," Haruhi suggested with a smile.
"Perhaps," Mori answered. Haruhi caught a subtle note in his voice that was normally absent.
"Leaving...an opportunity?" she asked.
"Eh?"
"An opportunity. If...someone else thought I was...interesting, but didn't want to do anything as long as the President of the Host Club was in the way," Haruhi said. "If he and Kyouya work things out, that means he's not interested in me anymore."
"Sure," he agreed. They lapsed into comfortable silence, until Haruhi laughed.
"What?" Mori inquired.
"It's nothing," she said. "I just never thought I'd end up with the strong, silent type, that's all."
Mori contemplated this.
"I can talk, you know," he said finally.
"Yes, I know," she said.
"I'm going to kiss you when we leave."
"I'm looking forward to it."
"Good."
From elsewhere in the restaurant came the faint sound of Hunny's voice, extolling the virtues of the lemon cakes. Haruhi smiled to herself, watching as Kyouya put down enough cash to cover his bill and led Tamaki out of the restaurant.
In an odd way, she was looking forward to seeing Tamaki play up the boy-love angle for the Host Club patrons; besides, there was a kiss from Mori to look forward to, and the twins had vanished from view.
HAPPY ENDING, HOST CLUB!
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