sam_storyteller (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sam_storyteller) wrote2005-07-17 10:30 am
sam_storyteller) wrote2005-07-17 10:30 am
Entry tags:
International Rules
Title: International Rules (Sequel to The Rules of Torchwood Three and TARDIS House Rules)
Rating: PG
Summary: Sometimes it's best to be a servant.
Warnings: None.
Ships/Characters: Post S2-canon, plus Nicholas (OMC).
Now available at AO3.
***
We do not tug on the corners of reality 'to see what will happen'.
When they return from Switzerland, Nicholas is waiting for them.
In Cardiff, Torchwood carries weight; he meets the rest of the team as they deplane, well inside the gates. His sidearm is still in his shoulder-holster, though the jacket he's wearing covers it. He's pleased to see them; doesn't try to hide his smile.
"Welcome back," he says, and Gwen hugs him. "I've the car waiting."
The walk from the gate to the exits isn't far, and it's obvious they're tired; it's one of those questions, whether to keep talking to fill the silence or simply let them be. Ianto, he notices, never strays from Jack's side.
Ianto looks terrible.
Nicholas decides talking will be better. If he doesn't talk, Gwen will try to.
"It's all been quiet, while you were away," he continues, guiding them subtly through the airport and out into the parking structure. "No Rift activity to speak of. Well. One. I handled it."
Jack lifts an eyebrow at him.
"Alien playing cards," Nicholas informs him. "Slightly psychic. My theory is they're for some kind of conjurer's act. Pawnshop owner kept flashing them about. I bought them on Torchwood's account. They're quite pretty," he adds, as he unlocks the SUV. He hesitates, wondering if Jack will want to drive, but Jack just follows Ianto into the back, leaving Gwen for the passenger's seat.
Jack never sits in the back of the SUV. It's a seniority thing. At this point, however, Jack doesn't seem to care.
"Hub?" Nicholas asks, backing out of the parking space.
"Yeah," Jack says. "Reports to write. I should check my e-mail. I'm sure UNIT's gonna be just thrilled with me."
"They did call," Nicholas ventures.
"Oh yeah?"
"I told them they'd reached a chip shop in Newport."
"And they bought that?"
"No, but I stuck to it, and eventually it wore them down."
Jack laughs a little. Ianto's throat rasps as he clears it.
"I'd like to go home," he says softly.
It's such a shock to hear -- whether it's because it's Ianto complaining or Ianto asking to go home or anyone asking to go home -- that Nicholas eases the SUV to a stop at the turning.
"Jack?" he asks, looking in the rearview. Jack is staring at Ianto, studying him.
"I'm tired. Can I go home?" Ianto mumbles.
Nicholas heard about the last time Torchwood mutinied against Jack, but he's pretty sure that even if Jack orders them to the Hub right now he'll still go straight to Ianto's flat.
"Of course," Jack says, and Nicholas and Gwen both exhale. "Nicholas, we go there first. We can leave Gwen at her place after."
"I'm fine -- "
"No, he's right." Jack ducks his head and strokes a hand through Ianto's hair until Ianto meets his eyes. "You two should rest."
Ianto is content to sit, leaning forward, Jack's hand on the back of his neck, until Nicholas pulls up in front of his building.
Nicholas has been thinking frantically since Ianto asked to go home, and he thinks he knows what to do. Ianto loves Jack but he's a little afraid of him too -- afraid of disappointing him, of appearing less perfect than Jack thinks he is. Most of the time it works for them, because Ianto is rarely in danger of disappointing anyone, but today he's weak and Jack is the last witness he needs.
So when they stop, he cuts the engine and turns around. "Jack?"
Jack glances his way and Nicholas tosses him the keys. He catches them on instinct, then looks down at them.
"You need to take the SUV back to the Hub. I'm not far from here, I can walk," Nicholas explains, already out of the car and opening Ianto's door. Ianto slides his seatbelt off and looks at him, then at Jack.
"I'll go up," Jack says.
"I'll take him, it's no trouble," Nicholas says lightly.
"He needs -- "
"It's all right, Jack," Ianto says. Jack looks shocked. "I'm going to bed, that's all."
"I'll make sure he's tucked up," Nicholas adds, as Ianto climbs out. Jack slides out after him and Nicholas places himself between the two men.
"Captain," he says softly.
The SUV is still there when Ianto unlocks the building's front door, Nicholas carrying his overnight bag. It's still there, because he hasn't heard it leave, when Ianto stumbles on the stair and Nicholas catches him around the waist, helping him up to the landing where his flat is. It finally leaves when Ianto flicks the light on in his flat. Nicholas sets the bag down next to the door.
He's immensely curious about Ianto's flat -- never been there -- but he'll satisfy that later. Instead he goes to Ianto and stands behind him, easing the suit-jacket off his shoulders. Ianto would have let it fall if Nicholas hadn't caught it. Then he circles, unbuttons and removes the waistcoat, pulls the tie off.
A perfect servant has no feelings. He doesn't judge; he doesn't hold opinions. Nicholas knows he is more than that since Torchwood, but he can be that as well. Sometimes, indeed, he thinks he must be that for Torchwood.
Ianto watches him, wary but listless.
Nicholas walks away, still carrying the jacket and waistcoat and tie, and settles them over a chair -- a chair on which one of Jack's shirts and a pair of Jack's braces are already hanging. When he turns back, Ianto is gone; he finds him in the bedroom, sitting on the bed. Nicholas kneels to untie Ianto's shoes.
"You're better at this than I was," Ianto says, unbuttoning his shirt.
"I doubt that, sir," Nicholas replies.
"I never could quite keep my emotions out of it."
"I was trained. I'm sure with the proper lessons you'd do well." Nicholas keeps his voice neutral as he takes down a white shirt -- perhaps also one of Jack's -- from a shelf in the wardrobe. "But that isn't your place."
Ianto lets his belt slip through his fingers to the floor, takes the offered shirt and shrugs into it. He stands briefly and steps out of his trousers while Nicholas pulls back the blankets. At least the sheets are fresh. Not that he'd expect less from Ianto.
Ianto sinks into the pillow with a low noise, not quite a moan. Nicholas pulls the blankets over him, draws the curtains, and picks up the trousers and belt on his way out.
He allows himself a moment of snooping, nothing more. The flat is surprisingly snug, small but well-furnished, a large shelf given over to DVDs and a second full of books. There are photos on a third: Ianto and Gwen, Ianto and Tosh and Owen and Nicholas all together in the pub (taken by Gwen), Ianto and Jack (rare; Jack hates photographs). Ianto and a smiling, mischievous looking girl who must be Lisa. A woman in a dress with Ianto's snub nose and a well-dressed man standing next to her in front of CARDIFF FINE TAILORING - PROP. AFON JONES. Ianto's parents. None of the photos are posed; the one of him and Gwen is blurred, as if they're both in motion. Well, they were -- that was during the time before Jack returned. Torchwood hardly slept, let alone stopped moving.
Tidy kitchen. Surprisingly cheap coffee machine. A Welsh flag magnet on the fridge.
Nicholas returns to the living room and unconcernedly goes through Ianto's bag, unpacking all the clothing. Some of it goes into the laundry basket in the bathroom and the rest into a shopping bag to be carried to the dry-cleaners.
Once he's left the building, he calls the Hub. Jack answers, of course.
"He's asleep, Captain," Nicholas says.
"Good," Jack replies shortly. "On your way home?"
"Yes. I'll be in early tomorrow. And I'm on-call tonight, of course."
"Of course. With Ianto out."
"Exactly, sir."
There's a silence on the other end of the line. Nicholas waits. Jack is ace at dramatic timing.
"Why didn't he want me there?" he asks finally.
"He was tired."
"I would have left him alone. I just wanted to go in with him."
"With all due respect, Jack, you weren't what he needed."
"And you were?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I know how to disappear," Nicholas said. "He doesn't have to be perfect in front of me."
"I don't want him to be -- "
"He wants to be, though. For you."
Jack growls. "He and I are going to have a talk about this."
"Good." Nicholas imitates Jack's tone to the last note.
"I'm not a monster, Nicholas."
"He knows that."
"Do you?"
"Yes, Jack, but what I know isn't important. Which is sort of the point," Nicholas adds. "As a start, I'd go round about seven tomorrow morning and bring him breakfast."
Jack is silent again.
"Jack?"
"I want him to trust me."
"You're still a bit backwards, I'm afraid," Nicholas remarks, as he steps into the dry-cleaner's. "Harkness account," he says to the woman behind the counter, passing the clothing over. She knows him; gives him a smile and waves him off. "The thing is, Jack, it isn't about you. He doesn't trust himself."
"Why?"
"He thinks he wants things you don't want, I suppose," Nicholas steps out of the shop, back into the Cardiff perpetual-overcast. "So were I you I'd tell him. Otherwise one day you're probably going to find you've lost -- "
"Not to you," Jack says sharply. Nicholas laughs.
"I'd as soon rob a bank, Jack. Stop trying to puzzle him out; let him puzzle you out a bit."
Jack sighs. "This is going to be ugly."
"Very likely, Captain. Still, if you're charming you might get lucky."
Jack's sudden, slightly outraged laugh is good to hear.
"I'll see you after breakfast," Nicholas says, and closes the phone.
***
We do not tolerate: dopplegangers, evil twins, shapeshifters, holograms, or crossing our own timeline. Voluntarily engaging in any of these practices is grounds for suspension.
Jack's Handwriting: And/or the end of the universe. So, don't.
The next morning, Jack and Ianto arrive together around ten-thirty. Ianto is pale but he has a small smile on his face. Jack looks like he's just been metaphorically hit by a train.
Nicholas waits for a little while before bringing Jack the casefiles from their absence, but when he does he lingers. Pleasantly-confused is always the best state of mind for Jack to be in, when broaching delicate topics to him. Jack is lost in rumination, but finally he looks up and finds Nicholas still standing there.
"Need something?" he asks.
"I have a question," Nicholas says.
"Fire away."
"It's sort of...interdimensional."
Jack lifts an eyebrow and gestures to the chair on the other side of the desk. Nicholas seats himself, resting his hands on the edge.
"With all these universes smashed up against each other," he begins, then hesitates, unsure how to continue. "I mean, we know there's more than one universe, all running parallel to each other, right?"
"Yes..."
"And we know some people can -- well, could -- cross between them."
"Theoretically," Jack says guardedly.
"Jack, I've traveled with the Doctor. I know."
Jack nods, allowing this.
"But does it follow, if there are billions of other universes with you and me and everyone in them...is there only one Doctor?"
Jack opens his mouth and then gets that pause, like a computer processing a complicated series of commands.
"It's logical," he says slowly. "I didn't think about it."
"It's only...I don't think this is my universe. Very, very close, but not mine, not entirely," Nicholas says. "Torchwood was different in mine. We hired new people. I didn't mention it because I didn't really think it mattered. Except now I think about it -- "
"If you went with the Doctor, you might still...be with him," Jack says, catching on. "There's potentially another Nicholas out there."
"Or, or I crossed over and we, uh, merged?" Nicholas suggests. "I was sort of hoping."
"I don't think reality works that way," Jack replies.
"So there's some other Torchwood I've gone permanently missing from."
"It's possible."
"Christ," Nicholas says. "What do I do?"
"Nothing," Jack answers. "The walls are sealed. You can't go back. Who knows, maybe this world's version crossed into yours. Fate's symmetrical that way."
"Oooh, is he in for a shock," Nicholas murmurs.
"Why?" Jack sips the dregs from a cup of coffee, scowling down at it briefly. "Don't tell me Ianto dumped me and that's why you gave me that pep talk yesterday."
"God, no. We hired John Hart."
Jack snorts and coughs suddenly. "What?"
"You said he was good with computers."
"Captain John Hart?"
"Ianto was livid. But he turned out to be sort of a decent bloke once we housetrained him."
Jack leans back and laughs.
"Honestly, though, if another me shows up, what do we do? Shouldn't we have some kind of protocol in place?" Nicholas asks.
"I love twins," Jack replies, leering.
"Jack! Urgh! That's like incest!"
"Technically it's masturb -- "
"Jack, I mean it!"
Jack rolls his eyes and opens a drawer in his desk, pulling a file out of it. He tosses it down and pages through it while Nicholas looks on.
It looks like file templates for various Torchwood forms -- Recovered Artefact, Recovered Extraterrestrial (Living), Recovered Extraterrestrial (Dead), Alien Possession, Zombiefication, Earth-Based Phenomena, Spontaneous Telepathy, Crossed Timeline --
Jack stops for a minute, chuckling.
"I hold the record for this one," he says, before setting it aside and moving on. Civilian Death Due To Extraterrestrial Interference. Civilian Death due to Torchwood. And --
"Here we go. Duplication, Torchwood, Human," Jack says, offering it to Nicholas.
Nicholas looks down at it. "If another version of me shows up in Torchwood we do paperwork."
"Unless he's Evil. Or you are. Then we imprison you both until the Evil version makes his move, and we shoot him."
"Heartening."
"Hey, welcome to Torchwood," Jack says with a grin. "Don't worry about it. We'll deal with it when it happens."
"Should make that our motto," Nicholas murmurs.
"As opposed to our current motto, Get me some coffee and find something more interesting to do?" Jack says pointedly. Nicholas finds himself grinning.
"Yes, Captain," he says.
Out in the Hub, Ianto catches him briefly by the arm.
"How's Jack?" he asks.
"He hit on me twice and gave me paperwork, then demanded coffee," Nicholas says.
Ianto looks incredibly relieved. "Back to normal, then."
END
Next in the series: The Rules Of Social Conduct
Rating: PG
Summary: Sometimes it's best to be a servant.
Warnings: None.
Ships/Characters: Post S2-canon, plus Nicholas (OMC).
Now available at AO3.
***
We do not tug on the corners of reality 'to see what will happen'.
When they return from Switzerland, Nicholas is waiting for them.
In Cardiff, Torchwood carries weight; he meets the rest of the team as they deplane, well inside the gates. His sidearm is still in his shoulder-holster, though the jacket he's wearing covers it. He's pleased to see them; doesn't try to hide his smile.
"Welcome back," he says, and Gwen hugs him. "I've the car waiting."
The walk from the gate to the exits isn't far, and it's obvious they're tired; it's one of those questions, whether to keep talking to fill the silence or simply let them be. Ianto, he notices, never strays from Jack's side.
Ianto looks terrible.
Nicholas decides talking will be better. If he doesn't talk, Gwen will try to.
"It's all been quiet, while you were away," he continues, guiding them subtly through the airport and out into the parking structure. "No Rift activity to speak of. Well. One. I handled it."
Jack lifts an eyebrow at him.
"Alien playing cards," Nicholas informs him. "Slightly psychic. My theory is they're for some kind of conjurer's act. Pawnshop owner kept flashing them about. I bought them on Torchwood's account. They're quite pretty," he adds, as he unlocks the SUV. He hesitates, wondering if Jack will want to drive, but Jack just follows Ianto into the back, leaving Gwen for the passenger's seat.
Jack never sits in the back of the SUV. It's a seniority thing. At this point, however, Jack doesn't seem to care.
"Hub?" Nicholas asks, backing out of the parking space.
"Yeah," Jack says. "Reports to write. I should check my e-mail. I'm sure UNIT's gonna be just thrilled with me."
"They did call," Nicholas ventures.
"Oh yeah?"
"I told them they'd reached a chip shop in Newport."
"And they bought that?"
"No, but I stuck to it, and eventually it wore them down."
Jack laughs a little. Ianto's throat rasps as he clears it.
"I'd like to go home," he says softly.
It's such a shock to hear -- whether it's because it's Ianto complaining or Ianto asking to go home or anyone asking to go home -- that Nicholas eases the SUV to a stop at the turning.
"Jack?" he asks, looking in the rearview. Jack is staring at Ianto, studying him.
"I'm tired. Can I go home?" Ianto mumbles.
Nicholas heard about the last time Torchwood mutinied against Jack, but he's pretty sure that even if Jack orders them to the Hub right now he'll still go straight to Ianto's flat.
"Of course," Jack says, and Nicholas and Gwen both exhale. "Nicholas, we go there first. We can leave Gwen at her place after."
"I'm fine -- "
"No, he's right." Jack ducks his head and strokes a hand through Ianto's hair until Ianto meets his eyes. "You two should rest."
Ianto is content to sit, leaning forward, Jack's hand on the back of his neck, until Nicholas pulls up in front of his building.
Nicholas has been thinking frantically since Ianto asked to go home, and he thinks he knows what to do. Ianto loves Jack but he's a little afraid of him too -- afraid of disappointing him, of appearing less perfect than Jack thinks he is. Most of the time it works for them, because Ianto is rarely in danger of disappointing anyone, but today he's weak and Jack is the last witness he needs.
So when they stop, he cuts the engine and turns around. "Jack?"
Jack glances his way and Nicholas tosses him the keys. He catches them on instinct, then looks down at them.
"You need to take the SUV back to the Hub. I'm not far from here, I can walk," Nicholas explains, already out of the car and opening Ianto's door. Ianto slides his seatbelt off and looks at him, then at Jack.
"I'll go up," Jack says.
"I'll take him, it's no trouble," Nicholas says lightly.
"He needs -- "
"It's all right, Jack," Ianto says. Jack looks shocked. "I'm going to bed, that's all."
"I'll make sure he's tucked up," Nicholas adds, as Ianto climbs out. Jack slides out after him and Nicholas places himself between the two men.
"Captain," he says softly.
The SUV is still there when Ianto unlocks the building's front door, Nicholas carrying his overnight bag. It's still there, because he hasn't heard it leave, when Ianto stumbles on the stair and Nicholas catches him around the waist, helping him up to the landing where his flat is. It finally leaves when Ianto flicks the light on in his flat. Nicholas sets the bag down next to the door.
He's immensely curious about Ianto's flat -- never been there -- but he'll satisfy that later. Instead he goes to Ianto and stands behind him, easing the suit-jacket off his shoulders. Ianto would have let it fall if Nicholas hadn't caught it. Then he circles, unbuttons and removes the waistcoat, pulls the tie off.
A perfect servant has no feelings. He doesn't judge; he doesn't hold opinions. Nicholas knows he is more than that since Torchwood, but he can be that as well. Sometimes, indeed, he thinks he must be that for Torchwood.
Ianto watches him, wary but listless.
Nicholas walks away, still carrying the jacket and waistcoat and tie, and settles them over a chair -- a chair on which one of Jack's shirts and a pair of Jack's braces are already hanging. When he turns back, Ianto is gone; he finds him in the bedroom, sitting on the bed. Nicholas kneels to untie Ianto's shoes.
"You're better at this than I was," Ianto says, unbuttoning his shirt.
"I doubt that, sir," Nicholas replies.
"I never could quite keep my emotions out of it."
"I was trained. I'm sure with the proper lessons you'd do well." Nicholas keeps his voice neutral as he takes down a white shirt -- perhaps also one of Jack's -- from a shelf in the wardrobe. "But that isn't your place."
Ianto lets his belt slip through his fingers to the floor, takes the offered shirt and shrugs into it. He stands briefly and steps out of his trousers while Nicholas pulls back the blankets. At least the sheets are fresh. Not that he'd expect less from Ianto.
Ianto sinks into the pillow with a low noise, not quite a moan. Nicholas pulls the blankets over him, draws the curtains, and picks up the trousers and belt on his way out.
He allows himself a moment of snooping, nothing more. The flat is surprisingly snug, small but well-furnished, a large shelf given over to DVDs and a second full of books. There are photos on a third: Ianto and Gwen, Ianto and Tosh and Owen and Nicholas all together in the pub (taken by Gwen), Ianto and Jack (rare; Jack hates photographs). Ianto and a smiling, mischievous looking girl who must be Lisa. A woman in a dress with Ianto's snub nose and a well-dressed man standing next to her in front of CARDIFF FINE TAILORING - PROP. AFON JONES. Ianto's parents. None of the photos are posed; the one of him and Gwen is blurred, as if they're both in motion. Well, they were -- that was during the time before Jack returned. Torchwood hardly slept, let alone stopped moving.
Tidy kitchen. Surprisingly cheap coffee machine. A Welsh flag magnet on the fridge.
Nicholas returns to the living room and unconcernedly goes through Ianto's bag, unpacking all the clothing. Some of it goes into the laundry basket in the bathroom and the rest into a shopping bag to be carried to the dry-cleaners.
Once he's left the building, he calls the Hub. Jack answers, of course.
"He's asleep, Captain," Nicholas says.
"Good," Jack replies shortly. "On your way home?"
"Yes. I'll be in early tomorrow. And I'm on-call tonight, of course."
"Of course. With Ianto out."
"Exactly, sir."
There's a silence on the other end of the line. Nicholas waits. Jack is ace at dramatic timing.
"Why didn't he want me there?" he asks finally.
"He was tired."
"I would have left him alone. I just wanted to go in with him."
"With all due respect, Jack, you weren't what he needed."
"And you were?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I know how to disappear," Nicholas said. "He doesn't have to be perfect in front of me."
"I don't want him to be -- "
"He wants to be, though. For you."
Jack growls. "He and I are going to have a talk about this."
"Good." Nicholas imitates Jack's tone to the last note.
"I'm not a monster, Nicholas."
"He knows that."
"Do you?"
"Yes, Jack, but what I know isn't important. Which is sort of the point," Nicholas adds. "As a start, I'd go round about seven tomorrow morning and bring him breakfast."
Jack is silent again.
"Jack?"
"I want him to trust me."
"You're still a bit backwards, I'm afraid," Nicholas remarks, as he steps into the dry-cleaner's. "Harkness account," he says to the woman behind the counter, passing the clothing over. She knows him; gives him a smile and waves him off. "The thing is, Jack, it isn't about you. He doesn't trust himself."
"Why?"
"He thinks he wants things you don't want, I suppose," Nicholas steps out of the shop, back into the Cardiff perpetual-overcast. "So were I you I'd tell him. Otherwise one day you're probably going to find you've lost -- "
"Not to you," Jack says sharply. Nicholas laughs.
"I'd as soon rob a bank, Jack. Stop trying to puzzle him out; let him puzzle you out a bit."
Jack sighs. "This is going to be ugly."
"Very likely, Captain. Still, if you're charming you might get lucky."
Jack's sudden, slightly outraged laugh is good to hear.
"I'll see you after breakfast," Nicholas says, and closes the phone.
***
We do not tolerate: dopplegangers, evil twins, shapeshifters, holograms, or crossing our own timeline. Voluntarily engaging in any of these practices is grounds for suspension.
Jack's Handwriting: And/or the end of the universe. So, don't.
The next morning, Jack and Ianto arrive together around ten-thirty. Ianto is pale but he has a small smile on his face. Jack looks like he's just been metaphorically hit by a train.
Nicholas waits for a little while before bringing Jack the casefiles from their absence, but when he does he lingers. Pleasantly-confused is always the best state of mind for Jack to be in, when broaching delicate topics to him. Jack is lost in rumination, but finally he looks up and finds Nicholas still standing there.
"Need something?" he asks.
"I have a question," Nicholas says.
"Fire away."
"It's sort of...interdimensional."
Jack lifts an eyebrow and gestures to the chair on the other side of the desk. Nicholas seats himself, resting his hands on the edge.
"With all these universes smashed up against each other," he begins, then hesitates, unsure how to continue. "I mean, we know there's more than one universe, all running parallel to each other, right?"
"Yes..."
"And we know some people can -- well, could -- cross between them."
"Theoretically," Jack says guardedly.
"Jack, I've traveled with the Doctor. I know."
Jack nods, allowing this.
"But does it follow, if there are billions of other universes with you and me and everyone in them...is there only one Doctor?"
Jack opens his mouth and then gets that pause, like a computer processing a complicated series of commands.
"It's logical," he says slowly. "I didn't think about it."
"It's only...I don't think this is my universe. Very, very close, but not mine, not entirely," Nicholas says. "Torchwood was different in mine. We hired new people. I didn't mention it because I didn't really think it mattered. Except now I think about it -- "
"If you went with the Doctor, you might still...be with him," Jack says, catching on. "There's potentially another Nicholas out there."
"Or, or I crossed over and we, uh, merged?" Nicholas suggests. "I was sort of hoping."
"I don't think reality works that way," Jack replies.
"So there's some other Torchwood I've gone permanently missing from."
"It's possible."
"Christ," Nicholas says. "What do I do?"
"Nothing," Jack answers. "The walls are sealed. You can't go back. Who knows, maybe this world's version crossed into yours. Fate's symmetrical that way."
"Oooh, is he in for a shock," Nicholas murmurs.
"Why?" Jack sips the dregs from a cup of coffee, scowling down at it briefly. "Don't tell me Ianto dumped me and that's why you gave me that pep talk yesterday."
"God, no. We hired John Hart."
Jack snorts and coughs suddenly. "What?"
"You said he was good with computers."
"Captain John Hart?"
"Ianto was livid. But he turned out to be sort of a decent bloke once we housetrained him."
Jack leans back and laughs.
"Honestly, though, if another me shows up, what do we do? Shouldn't we have some kind of protocol in place?" Nicholas asks.
"I love twins," Jack replies, leering.
"Jack! Urgh! That's like incest!"
"Technically it's masturb -- "
"Jack, I mean it!"
Jack rolls his eyes and opens a drawer in his desk, pulling a file out of it. He tosses it down and pages through it while Nicholas looks on.
It looks like file templates for various Torchwood forms -- Recovered Artefact, Recovered Extraterrestrial (Living), Recovered Extraterrestrial (Dead), Alien Possession, Zombiefication, Earth-Based Phenomena, Spontaneous Telepathy, Crossed Timeline --
Jack stops for a minute, chuckling.
"I hold the record for this one," he says, before setting it aside and moving on. Civilian Death Due To Extraterrestrial Interference. Civilian Death due to Torchwood. And --
"Here we go. Duplication, Torchwood, Human," Jack says, offering it to Nicholas.
Nicholas looks down at it. "If another version of me shows up in Torchwood we do paperwork."
"Unless he's Evil. Or you are. Then we imprison you both until the Evil version makes his move, and we shoot him."
"Heartening."
"Hey, welcome to Torchwood," Jack says with a grin. "Don't worry about it. We'll deal with it when it happens."
"Should make that our motto," Nicholas murmurs.
"As opposed to our current motto, Get me some coffee and find something more interesting to do?" Jack says pointedly. Nicholas finds himself grinning.
"Yes, Captain," he says.
Out in the Hub, Ianto catches him briefly by the arm.
"How's Jack?" he asks.
"He hit on me twice and gave me paperwork, then demanded coffee," Nicholas says.
Ianto looks incredibly relieved. "Back to normal, then."
END
Next in the series: The Rules Of Social Conduct
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