sam_storyteller: (Crossover Fic)
sam_storyteller ([personal profile] sam_storyteller) wrote2005-07-20 05:05 am

Beta Quotes: Paper Chase

These are quotes taken from the beta-reading of Paper Chase, which was beta'd very energetically in a sort of mass orgy in Google Docs. I hope you find them as amusing and instructive as I did.


"I am never flying on an aeroplane again," Sherlock remarked. "Travel is the most tediously boring of all activities."
Junie: I assume he'll be up for dirigibles, hang gliders and jetpacks.
Sam: Sherlock would probably adore a jetpack.
Tzikeh: Oh God, John would end up with a Klonopin addiction.

Dove: I like Sherlock lashing out at some poor bastard because John called him on his bullshit.
Sam: Civilian casualties in the battle between Sherlock's ego and John: brutal!
Tzikeh: Sherlock Holmes and John Watson in: Collateral Damage. Rated R.

"You have one tea, three coffees, two Philadelphia rolls, one spider roll, one spicy tuna roll, some sort of chef's assorted nigiri special, dumplings, and delusions that I am going to consume anything other than the tea," Sherlock said.
Dove: Thanks, now I'm hungry.
Sam: I wrote this while STARVING. Then I ate a scone.
Tzikeh: I hate you.
Junie: Do you know how many MILLION miles it is to the nearest sushi restaurant? Die in a fire, Starbuck.
Spider: I had sushi for lunch. I had to. My teeth hurt, and sushi is soft. Medical excuse!

Dove: A friend of mine once watched a clinician at school do a horse rectal with one hand (well, arm) and eat a sandwich with the other. You would be surprised what you can get used to :D
Tzikeh: You know what was fun? Pad See Eiw and the X-Files. Now it's Lad Nar and Fringe. I almost do it on purpose.
Sam: I used to have Spaghetti And CSI night!

Dove: You need to understand that five years later, I am still bitter and angry about the fucking polar bear in LOST.
Tzikeh: Remember when we thought that the polar bear would be explained, because the guys behind LOST had a plan? Or when we thought that the Cylons actually had a plan? Or when we thought that *Chris Carter* actually had a plan? Good times.
Sam: Or when we thought Heroes was going somewhere? Yeah. What worries me is that I genuinely believe Jeff Eastin has a plan.

...a visiting artist from London with a penchant for wildly surreal and expressionist landscapes.
Dove: Which, of course, I now want to see. Make me fifteen landscapes a la Caffrey, Sam!
Sam: I picture them as sort of Matisse and Jackson Pollock having a brutal slapfight.

Tzikeh: Junie, I love you, and want to have your babies.
Junie: You can have the babies if you promise I don't have to pay for college.
Tzikeh: Well, I meant have your babies for lunch, since you guys made me all hungry with the food discussion earlier.
Sam: Just make sure they're fresh babies prepared by a professional baby sushi chef.

I can have those cases closed and immunity granted to yourself and your alibis.
Junie: Do you mean aliases or accomplices here?
Sam: MotherFUCK I always mix up aliases and alibis.
Tzikeh: "Your honor, I couldn't possibly have been in the Met that day; I was George Devore! No, wait... motherFUCK!"

Tzikeh: Have you seen this hilarity?
Sam: LOL OH GOD it's like he was attacked by a granddad's closet.
Dove: (I kind of want that sweater.)
Sam: There's something very wrong with you.
Dove: It looks cozy and reminds me of my Grandma!
Sam: It looks like it's threatening to eat his neck!

"He's going for the bridge," Peter called, and half the room groaned.
Tzikeh: I WANT AN EPISODE WITH A FALSE CHALLENGE CHASE. Maybe Peter's mentor (heh) from Quantico is in town? And they're shooting the shit about Peter getting his promotion after nabbing Caffrey, and the boasting goes on and then omg it's a challenge and BETTING AND PIZZA and then of course they run into a real case.
Sam:The idea came from the CI-off; I love the idea of Peter putting Neal up against a chaser or a fellow CI to see who wins.
Dove: There's a comment to be made here about Cooper and his trained pit bull and Burke with his prized, what, greyhound? I don't even know. But I'm watching you, Starbuck.
Sam: I think I've called him an art-sniffing bloodhound once or twice
Tzikeh: Awww, Neal's really a mutt - he's a mix of a lot of different kinds of skills, but when you get right down to it, all he wants is for you to feed him and rub his belly.

Dove: This whole conversation--which takes place for no reason, btw, Neal just called Peter to chat? has a very "but do you still love your old boyfriend or are you just going to lunch with him to get your CDs back" feel to it.
Sam: It's very much "I'm glad you're having a good time pretending to be a criminal again but if you really miss it that much you might just break my heart."
Dove: Well, and Neal reassuring him "with you it was always both"--I swear baby, you're special, it's not like that with him.
Tzikeh: Now I want to upload Susan Werner's "Misery and Happiness" for all of you to listen to.

Junie: We have two examples of funny texts from Neal and none from Sherlock. I this his and John's personalities are getting short shrift in this chase.
Spider: I was thinking I wanted a couple of examples of Sherlock's texts here.
Sam: I'm not sure I'm that funny, but I'll work on it.
Junie: I'm sure you can fake some dry insights on New York and its people. "Neal and I are the only ones in this city not carrying guns."

Sam: Sherlock Holmes walks into a gay bar, he's neeever going to have to pay for drinks.
Tzikeh: Sherlock Holmes walks into *any* bar and he's never going to have to pay for drinks.
Sam: Unless maybe it's a cop bar.

Still, given that the front door and his door had both been locked, he had no goddamn clue how Sherlock Holmes managed to get onto the terrace, through the sliding door, and right up behind him before he could bolt.
Junie: strike last comma.
Sam: *narrows eyes* is that an Oxford Comma?
Junie: You can use the Oxford Comma if you want, but I choose not to associate myself with that kind of depraved and godless lifestyle.
Sam: You knew I was depraved and godless when we met!
Tzikeh: Junie doesn't hold with the Oxford Comma? I take back everything nice I said about you. PISTOLS AT DAWN.
Junie: Pica poles after deadline, or you're no gentleman.

Tzikeh: Hm. Wouldn't Sherlock have read up on Neal and recognized that handcuffs probably weren't going to hold him?
Sam: I think he figured it was safe as long as Neal couldn't pick them, and he was watching him closely enough that he would see Neal's shoulders move as he tried.
Spider: Besides, Sherlock is vain and conceited, he wouldn't consider that Neal might manage to escape once Sherlock caught him. Pride is Sherlock's tragic flaw!

Tzikeh: As an aside--Sherlock has probably already figured out how to beat Neal at chess, just by cataloging the contents of Neal's fridge, or something.
Sam: Well, they have spent a week working together, too. I bet Neal cheats, though. I knew a football coach who used to tell a great story about how they were working on plays one time and this one player won no matter what play they threw at him, and finally they realised that his plays used one extra person. I bet Neal sneaks extra pawns onto the board.
Tzikeh: I expect that Sherlock and Neal will play text-chess for the next three years.

"That wasn't me. I think it was a really big rat,"

"Come on, Dr. Kimble," Burke told him.
Dove: I always thought it was Kimball, was I wrong all this time?!
Sam: I had to look it up on IMDB. It's Kimble there, fwiw.
Junie: On wikipedia, too. I was similarly hung up.
Dove: Huh. Turns out I AM fallible.

Come on, Peter, what'm I going to do with a bunch of paintings?
Tzikeh: Sell them all, entirely legally, and buy Peter and Elizabeth a bigger house (you know, for investment purposes--the market's really good right now....)
Sam: Oddly enough, I think Neal thinks selling paintings he did himself, not forgeries, is somehow beneath him. He didn't put enough work into them to earn him a reward from them, or something.
Tzikeh: He'll never tell Peter how, except for the London skyline, all of the other paintings are of Peter, or El, or Peter and El. And neither will Sherlock.
Sam: Some of them are sexy paintings!
juniper200: (Default)

[personal profile] juniper200 2010-09-03 03:03 pm (UTC)(link)
Good post. Needs more me.
tzikeh: (Default)

[personal profile] tzikeh 2010-09-03 06:28 pm (UTC)(link)
mlyn: (Default)

[personal profile] mlyn 2010-09-03 04:30 pm (UTC)(link)
Holy Jesus, I want you guys to beta read for me. I haven't seen something look this fun in...ever.
sanura: (Default)

[personal profile] sanura 2010-09-03 05:19 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm so glad you posted these. So much yay in my life.
tzikeh: (sherlock - murder - yay)

[personal profile] tzikeh 2010-09-03 06:02 pm (UTC)(link)
I am shamelessly pimping the story *and* this, because people need to see what its like to walk into the crazylandfuntimes that is the Sam Beta.
the_rainbow_jen: (electric sheep)

[personal profile] the_rainbow_jen 2010-09-03 06:45 pm (UTC)(link)
Man, if only the writing process was this fun for me - I'd do it more often.

(Anonymous) 2010-09-03 07:10 pm (UTC)(link)
total fun :)
next time pls the beta insanity too XD

sethrak: Lil' Mittens in a sidecar (Sidecar)

[personal profile] sethrak 2010-09-03 08:14 pm (UTC)(link)
Standing up as a member of Team Oxford Comma. ::fist-pump::
lokifan: black Converse against a black background (Peter/Neal: quit the heavy breathing)

[personal profile] lokifan 2010-09-04 12:39 am (UTC)(link)
Me too! *high fives you*

amycat: Cat on fence-post. If you know who made this please tell me! (Cat-Approved Post)

[personal profile] amycat 2011-06-25 08:50 am (UTC)(link)
This is AWESOME AND HILARIOUS. is your icon, lokifan. *splorfle!*
Edited 2011-06-25 08:50 (UTC)
kallaneeboi: (Doctor Who thinking brainy specs)

[personal profile] kallaneeboi 2010-10-04 01:33 am (UTC)(link)
Right there with you!

[identity profile] 2010-09-03 09:56 pm (UTC)(link)
God, how many years since I've heard anyone mention pica poles? I join Junie in Oxford comma eschewal.
luce: (Default)

[personal profile] luce 2010-09-04 12:10 am (UTC)(link)
Yep, creative process is very creative :D

PS - Proud Member of the Oxford Comma Defense Brigade!
ext_1059: (Default)

[identity profile] 2010-09-04 01:50 am (UTC)(link)
The "London artist" should have been called Bruno Hat ( Then this perfect story would have been even more perfect.
drgaellon: Brian and Justin smooching (Kiss Me Brian Justin)

[personal profile] drgaellon 2010-09-04 02:13 am (UTC)(link)
Hey, I wanna be part of the Sam's Beta team! This looks like fun! (Not that you need me, Sammy; your grammar is usually better than mine, and that's my specialty as a beta.)
giglet: (Default)

[personal profile] giglet 2010-09-04 05:41 pm (UTC)(link)
So much fun!

My fanfic editing process is never this lively, and my pro editing process is never this fun. Clearly, you win!
mermaid: mermaid swimming (Default)

[personal profile] mermaid 2010-09-05 12:19 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, wow, this is fucking hilarious. I love the confluence of fandom and grammar geekery :)
supergreak: (Default)

[personal profile] supergreak 2010-09-23 04:55 pm (UTC)(link)
This is the best thing ever, thanks for posting.

ONE MORE FOR TEAM OXFORD COMMA! (we need shirts or something. Icons!)

Unless maybe it's a cop bar
laughingacademy: (Default)

[personal profile] laughingacademy 2010-10-27 05:41 pm (UTC)(link)
Dove: You need to understand that five years later, I am still bitter and angry about the fucking polar bear in LOST.
Tzikeh: Remember when we thought that the polar bear would be explained, because the guys behind LOST had a plan? Or when we thought that the Cylons actually had a plan? Or when we thought that *Chris Carter* actually had a plan? Good times.
Sam: Or when we thought Heroes was going somewhere? Yeah. What worries me is that I genuinely believe Jeff Eastin has a plan.

This exchange cracked me the fuck up because the other day I was telling a friend about the season 4 finale of Supernatural (in which we get the punchline of the whole Azazel-Lilith-Lucifer saga) and I blurted, "It's as if the Cyclons had actually had a plan!"