It has taken me so long to catch my breath after reading this. I'm crying and I think I'm getting a stomach cramp from laughing so hard. Ahem.
I loved the quotes at the end, but even the other parts- that Rita got her touch of journalism from her father, but rebelled in her own way as well, or the original root of the Weasley-Malfoy feud, add a good deal of depth to my understanding of... canon? I'm not sure it's supposed to work that way, but it really does when fanon is artfully done.
Thank you so much for writing this- I really needed a good stomach-clutching laugh.