Sam! I really like this. I was totally sucked in. This is the first fanfic I've read in two+ years that I really like. So I will be looking forward to more, kid. I really like the premise, the easy banter with Ron, bossy Hermione. You've nailed so much of it perfectly.
""We're always watching," Lupin said, and Harry closed his eyes."
WAH!
But of course I wouldn't be me if I didn't have a few tiny concrit items!
1. Using sardonic twice would have been nice if there had been a link between the hearts and the salute. Did I read it wrong? If Harry's coworkers drew the hearts on the announcement that would tie the two things together and say something about they way they treat him with good natured commraderie. If there is no connection I would advise using a different word for one of those instances.
I felt like you were telling too much - trust your reader to be smart. I would say you are normally very good at that. But the passage that describes Harry's passage through the Auror training program - although smart as hell in details - could have been shown more clearly and powerfully if you had written a scene, perhaps a short flashback while Harry is in the locker room remembering that he was a know it all and got his comeuppance. Or better yet while out drinking - Ron could tell a story that makes Harry look less than the conquering hero? Blah blah - whatever. I'll shut up know. But do you know what I mean?
There were one or two glib lines that yanked me out of excellent narrative tone you have going. "Harry sometimes envied her absolute calm, and occasionally worried it was drug-induced." If Harry had said that in dialog the words would carry a different weight than they do as narrative prose.
no subject
""We're always watching," Lupin said, and Harry closed his eyes."
WAH!
But of course I wouldn't be me if I didn't have a few tiny concrit items!
1. Using sardonic twice would have been nice if there had been a link between the hearts and the salute. Did I read it wrong? If Harry's coworkers drew the hearts on the announcement that would tie the two things together and say something about they way they treat him with good natured commraderie. If there is no connection I would advise using a different word for one of those instances.
I felt like you were telling too much - trust your reader to be smart. I would say you are normally very good at that. But the passage that describes Harry's passage through the Auror training program - although smart as hell in details - could have been shown more clearly and powerfully if you had written a scene, perhaps a short flashback while Harry is in the locker room remembering that he was a know it all and got his comeuppance. Or better yet while out drinking - Ron could tell a story that makes Harry look less than the conquering hero? Blah blah - whatever. I'll shut up know. But do you know what I mean?
There were one or two glib lines that yanked me out of excellent narrative tone you have going. "Harry sometimes envied her absolute calm, and occasionally worried it was drug-induced." If Harry had said that in dialog the words would carry a different weight than they do as narrative prose.
How do you generate this stuff so fast? Jeez.