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sam_storyteller ([personal profile] sam_storyteller) wrote2011-03-27 03:13 pm

Rematch Quotes

These are quotes taken from the beta-reading of Rematch, which like its prequel Paper Chase was beta'd in Google Docs by six people at once. The commas! They suffer!

Junie: Sam, you magnificent bastard. It's not even my birthday. (Really, autocorrect? "Mustard?")
Sam: I am a magnificent mustard too!
Anya: You are the finest of Dijons. Some hot, some sweet, and a smooth all-purpose mixer.
Foxy: There better be Frenching in this story!
Dove: Oh god Foxy why.

Sam: Sequel to Paper Chase, aka "Neal Does London". You all know the drill.
tzikeh: Sequel to Paper Chase, aka "Neal Does Dallas London."
Foxy: HAHA FRENCHING. I demand frenching credit.

Junie: There's one girl I met through fandom with whom I was a mutual flister. We were nattering along gaily for about 5 years before we realized that we'd been to writing camp together in 1995.
Sam: Wasn't that the one where you realised you knew each other when talking about one of my fics?
Junie: Talking about Paper Chase, actually!

Foxy: Whenever I see "Lestrade" my mind turns it into "astraddle".

Junie: This just in: The things Sam does to punctuation are a crime against god and man. Film at 11.
tzikeh: As well as the things he *doesn't* do with punctuation.
Sam: Self-taught writer here! THAT'S WHY I HAVE YOU GUYS. Mind you, sometimes a comma is JUST MORE SATISFYING OK.
Anya: It's the squiggle in the tail.
Junie: I have a degree in punctuation. Just listen to me and no one will get hurt!
Sam: I learned the parts of speech when I took Latin, but that was ten years ago. And the Romans didn't use commas at ALL.
tzikeh: No wonder the Empire fell.

Junie: full stop, semicolon, had SO MANY OPTIONS.
Junie: TOO MUCH.
Sam: But they want to be loved!
Junie: You are giving them bad touches!

Sam: It sounds good, it improves the rhythm of the sentence, and it conveys his change of idea. Whether or not it's correct, it's still right.
Junie: If being tragically wrong makes you this happy, I guess I can't judge.

Foxy: I think Tim DeKay would, just for Bomer.
Sam: Considering all the antics they get up to now, it's not like it would be a big step.
tzikeh: Tim DeKay is as close to being in love with Matt Bomer as a straight guy can be in love with another guy. And he is absolutely open about it. Tim DeKay writes White Collar fanfiction. Tim DeKay is an OT3 fan. Tim DeKay can shoot laser beams out of his eyes.
Junie: Tim DeKay stands so close to Matt Bomer that, if they were caught having sex one day, I would legitimately believe them if they said Matt slipped and fell on Tim's penis.
tzikeh: Tim DeKay is the man your man could smell like.
Sam: Tim DeKay once walked into Mordor.
tzikeh: Tim DeKay stared down Sauron.
Spider: Tim DeKay gave Sauron a BLACK EYE.
tzikeh: Tim DeKay tempted the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing.
Junie: Tim DeKay is tough but fair. Tim DeKay once walked across a lake to heal an injured swan. Tim DeKay pooped in a secret place. Tim DeKay can eat 30 hot dogs in five minutes. Tim DeKay is slow to anger but righteous in his wrath.

Sam: We are so getting that elevator fanfic episode sooner or later.
Spider: Wait, what elevator fanfic? Refresh my memory.
tzikeh: In the same online thing Matty and Tim did where Tim said "I'd love to see an episode where I have to be you, and you have to be me" - he also said he wanted to have an episode where Neal and Peter were stuck in an elevator together, and that was the whole episode.
Spider: ... I'll be in my bunk.
Sam: Tim suggested they would end up playing board games.
tzikeh: I think they should end up singing.
Junie: Where'd they get the games? That's easy - Neal stole Hermione's purse.
tzikeh: Neal's hat is bigger on the inside.

Spider: Either play up the "fairy tale" feeling of this opening with "Once there were two consultants who..." or don't start with the passive voice at all. That's weak. Still, you need the "very, very" in there to finish the parallel construction of escaping and running.
Junie: Spider, you are my favorite.

"You're not going," Peter said, turning to walk away to his office.
Dove: You're grounded!
Junie: Go to my room!

"Besides, I've arranged a reward for myself."
Dove: I've bought myself a boy! From America! (Well, rented, Peter's not going to let him keep him...)
Junie: "And you know how I like rent boys, John!"

tzikeh: Where is Neal's standard anklet?
Spider: Homeland security probably didn't let it on the plane.
Sam: Hilarious moment pre-travel. "I can't find my passport!" "It's right there!" "Okay, fine, I can't find my REAL passport, happy now?"

"I'm only responsible for making sure Neal doesn't hop a plane to some island with no extradition treaty. Nobody said he had to come back alive."
tzikeh: Does Fantasy Island have an extradition treaty?
Anya: Just a tradition of harboring exes.
tzikeh: And robots. And SATAN. WTF, Fantasy Island?
Sam: Is this an anime?
Junie: Worse. It's the 70s.
Sam: 70's anime is especially painful!

"Well, we do share a love of
tzikeh: you
Sam: That's more a lust than a love, at least on Neal's part.
tzikeh: good, because John *likes* guns.

"Do what?" Neal gave Peter an innocent look.
Spider: How about "the" innocent look?
Junie: Innocent look No. 546 ("I don't know what you're talking about. I was dead at the time. On the moon. With Steve.") (TM) (Patent pending)
Anya: That one comes mail order.

"Because I can't be bothered," Sherlock replied. "Strategy is dull. You have far more interesting assets to offer."
Junie: It's like the innuendo fairy blew through and said "IMMA JUST LEAVE THIS HERE, KAY?!"
Sam: Well, it is White Collar and Sherlock. I think they attract innuendo fairies.
tzikeh: And how!

"He and Neal had some catching-up to do," John said.
Spider: no hyphen
tzikeh: We need to form a band: "Sam Starbuck and the Hyphens"
Anya: Or just "The High Fen." I call drums. Stage name Dash DeLeet.
Spider: I play bass and my name is Strike Itals.
tzikeh: Sam can be Sam E. Cullen. Oh, no, never mind, not Cullen. Ever. I'll play piano and my name is Dee Pendent Klauss.

The Canadians are pulling for Caffrey, oddly enough. Interpol seems torn.
Junie: And how many shown-up law enforcement officials are pulling for Sherlock's humiliation?
Anya: Anderson and Donovan are handicapping liek woah.
tzikeh: And the French, just on Fuck-the-English principles.
Sam: Ah, but do they hate the English or Americans more?
Spider: They've hated the English since long before America was a gleam in any European eye.
Junie: They love us. Blame Lafayette if you feel you must blame someone.

"Well, I hear I bear a strong resemblance to a Professor George Baxter, who used to teach there," Neal replied.
Junie: Strike comma. You're going to fight on that one, and I will say it's because you said "a Professor George Baxter" instead of just "Professor George Baxter," and I'll be right. So strike the comma.
Sam: Actually I didn't like the comma here, I'm good removing it.
Junie: That's no fun at all.
Sam: I have to keep you on your toes!
tzikeh: Duck season! Rabbit season!

a lot of people wanted to get a look (or possibly take a swing) at the one who always got away.
Spider: either "the one who always got away" or The One Who Always Got Away.
tzikeh: "Neal abseiling down the Gherkin; wish you were here."
Sam: Does it really need caps or quotes? Caps seem kind of on the nose, quotes seem just plain unnecessary.
Junie: No need for quotes, but use "the one who got away."
Sam: But he's not their ex-boyfriend...well, mostly not.
Junie: Right, but using the familiar expression out of context is a well-established technique. And it's not like the relationship between pursued and pursuer is entirely devoid of romantic connotation in the first place, right? I mean, that's the whole basis of White Collar.

"Wow," Neal said. "Are any of you armed?"
Junie: The air was filled with the sound of about fifty cocking pistols.
tzikeh: "You are surrounded by armed bastards!" Now all I can think of is Neal being chased through Manchester by Gene Hunt. That's all wrong.
Sam: I don't think Hunt would put himself out for a ponce like that Caffrey bastard.
tzikeh: Sam would. And as Sam goes, so goes Gene's nation. Shouting all the way.
Sam: Good point. Sam would go haring off after him and Gene would roll his eyes and remind himself the sex is worth it.

And anyway, he got a few laughs and made two really bad puns with a straight face, so he called it a success.
Dove: I'm trying to decide if this is better or worse than Remus. Anyway it's more obvious. Or less maybe.
Sam: ....Remus?
Dove: Your identification w/ Peter Burke, vs. that w/ Remus Lupin. UGH ALSO how are you going to judge me for bandom werewolf fic when you spent YEARS immersed in the Life and Times of Remus J. Lupin, Wereprofessor?
Junie: Because it's bandom werewolf fic. I bet you read bandom-werewolf-at-Hogwarts AUs. I bet you like them.

"El, this is Detective Inspector Greg Lestrade," Peter said. "DI Lestrade, my wife Elizabeth.
Junie: add a comma after wife, unless he has more than one wife. (Neal is not a wife.)
Sam: He's a pet!
tzikeh: "My wife, Elizabeth, my dog, Satchmo, and my Neal."
Anya: "my all-purpose marsupial, Neal."

"That's never been proved," Neal said.
Junie: "That's never been proven" or "No one ever proved that."
Spider: not necessarily. Neal's very American, and that's a perfectly cromulent American phrasing
Junie: An embrace of descriptivism embiggens an editor, but "proved" in this construction makes him sound ignorant.
Sam: Unfortunately it's a bit canon. I'm positive I've heard Neal use that construction before, and canonically he's a high-school dropout from a very-likely working class family.
Junie: Grarrrrrgggggh!

"I have been to London before," Neal said.
tzikeh: And now, I *will* recommend italics, for "have"
Sam: I wanted to put them in but thought Spider might shout at me!
Sam: If only you knew all the times it has stopped me. Occasionally now I put them in knowing you'll make me take them out, just so you don't make me take out the ones I really want.
Dove: I don't think your strategy is going to work, it's not like Spider's going to think, "Oh, I've told him to take out so many itals, I should let him keep this one." Try your tricksy grammar fumblings elsewhere, kid.
Junie: Shhhh. It's cute when he thinks he's pulling one over on us.
tzikeh: Isn't it?
Dove: If you're not stern with him now, you'll regret it later!
Sam: Spider knows that of any of the pull-itals comments I'm bound to ignore a few, so I just ignore the ones I really wanted and pull the rest I didn't really want anyway. Worked on my undergrad mentors when they made me fix typos instead of major structural issues.
Anya: Gives new meaning to the whole concept of topping from below. Spider, you need to reinstate the ring gag training. He's pulling at the leash again.
Sam: This is why I could never be D or s. I'm too fucking stubborn to sub and too indirect to Dom.
Junie: I want to see a story where there's a character who Doms, but they do it by being passive aggressive. The sub can only abandon him/herself by being guilted into submission.
Sam: If you left the sex out, that'd be about half the parent-child relationships on the planet.

"Is this some kind of trash talk?" Elizabeth asked John.
tzikeh: LOL I want to hear read Neal and Sherlock playing the dozens.
Spider: "Your mother is so ignorant she can't tell the difference between Monet and Manet." "Oh yeah? Your mother is so uneducated she thinks the Flower Duet by Delibes was written for an airline advert!"

"You have two very simple rules," Lestrade continued. "Don't talk about the paper chase outside of this room, and don't throw food inside of it."
Dove: Wait, the second rule of Fight Club is "no food fights?"
Junie: Food Fight Club meets on Tuesdays.

Neal's next target -- after he took a tea break at a local cafe
Junie: "Local" to mean "near where he was at the second he wanted some tea" or "local" to mean "small and nondescript?" Because the second one makes me crazy enough to chew nails and spit out paper clips. (It's the little pet peeves that make one the most homicidal, really.) Please find another word. I beg you.
Sam: The former -- there are quite a few in the area he's in. I'll clarify.
Junie: You're my favorite again.

After all, Sherlock had broken into Neal's home during the last chase. Only fair to return the favor. And anyway, Neal wanted a snack.
Junie: This is like in a horror movie where you scream at the characters to stay away from the basement.
Sam: Better than panto!

A little sign, designed for tourists.
tzikeh: no comma
Junie: He can keep that one - I see what he's doing with it.
tzikeh: Is he doing something naughty?
Sam: Aren't I always?

Madame Tussauds
Dove: I am forced to assume the depostrophizing was intentional? How is there no apostrophe?
tzikeh: Because the English language doesn't like you, Dove. Or possibly Sam chose a location that is now spelled with incorrect punctuation just to spite you.
Sam: I am still perplexed as to why Madame Tussauds declined to properly apostrophise.
Junie: Ah! A thing I think I know! Tim Hortons doesn't have one, either. Tim's dropped theirs because the possessive name in French isn't still "Tim Horton's." I would imagine that, as Tussauds became a global franchise, they dropped the apostrophe to make it written and spoken the same way throughout the world.
Dove: I just want to go on record as stating that I am not happy with this state of affairs, and I want my apostrophe back.
Anya: The French do all their apostrophizing onstage at the Opéra. It's one of their state monopolies.
tzikeh: Dove, there are lots of apostrophes out there to go around--just steal some from the people who mean "its" and write "it's." They'll never notice anyway.

An old friend of mine once told me never to steal anything I couldn't shove under my shirt, and it's pretty good advice.
tzikeh: man, I kinda wish Mozzie could be present for all of this
Sam: I get the feeling Mozzie's not an airplane guy.
Anya: Also, he would never shut up about the pathogens in the recycled air.
tzikeh: and the TSA.

Neal thought there were two people, maybe three, when they grabbed him.
tzikeh: maybe just "Neal counted two people, maybe three?"
Sam: I don't think you can count "maybe" three though.
Dove: We count five, maybe six fetal skeletons all the time, but if you don't like that...
Junie: Are you kidding? I LOVE counting fetal skeletons!

Sam: I am privately of the opinion that John is Sherlock's straight bff and Neal and Sherlock are just barrelling towards explosive sex, probably while trespassing somewhere famous.
Junie: When you say "explosive sex," you might need to clarify. Surely there are some issues after the pool.
Foxy: Maybe make John a voyeur and compulsive masturbator. I always raise the tone, huh?
Sam: They're totally going to end up doing it in the undercroft museum at Westminster.
Junie: Or in the Black Museum, leaning against Dennis Nilsen's oven, getting fluids on the Ripper letters...

"If you wanted to get friendly, you only had to ask," he managed through the hood and the soft thing
Sam: In my head it's the HUGE GIANT BED from Lab Book.
Spider: SEE? Sherlock and John ARE doing the nasty! Even your own brain says so!
Anya: As an aside, I love it when Neal channels Jack Harkness.

He was sitting on a bed, in an eerily tidy bedroom
Junie: strike comma. Actually, this one could stay, but now I just flip a coin whenever you use a comma. You do the same, I assume?
Spider: OOOOH, SNAP!
Sam: IT MAKES SENSE IN MY HEAD, and also sometimes grammar rules are stupid relics from when Saxons roamed the countryside.
Spider: Saxons didn't use commas; they were too expensive.
Anya: Who needs commas when you have hatchets and bludgeons?

tzikeh: Do you know the FANBOYS mnemonic for commas?
Sam: No, and now I'm afraid!
tzikeh: FANBOYS: For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So. When one of the FANBOYS conjunctions joins two independent clauses, you must put a comma before it.
Sam: That seems like one of those rules which has a jillion exceptions.
Junie: There are exceptions for tone in informal writing, but there aren't any in "proper" stuff.
Dove: Man, it's kind of hilarious that you ask a bunch of exacting grammar prescriptivists to beta your work and then fight us tooth and nail every time we tell you a grammar thing (shut up it is 5am, tell you a grammar thing is perfectly legitimate English).
Sam: Sometimes I just use bad grammar, and that needs to be fixed, but sometimes good grammar is dreadful prose!

"Your flat wasn't in his radius," Lestrade replied, as if it should have been obvious.
Junie: as though
Sam: Okay I don't really care one way or another but is "as if" some kind of verboten construction?
Junie: It's driving me nuts tonight for some reason. I remember there's a rule, but I've been out of the game a while...
tzikeh: Sometimes you'll read that "as if" is used when the thing is sort of tentative--"It was as if he'd flapped his arms and flown to the moon," and "as though" when the thing's more likely--"It was as though he'd never seen the restaurant before," but it's not an indisputable grammar rule. So, in this instance, Junie is right, for varying degrees of "right."
Sam: Well, I'm glad that's been clearly pinned down.

Sam: Madmen are less precise and less capable of carrying out complex plans. Does it not make sense? I mean, who would you be more afraid of, someone who talked to people who weren't there half the time or a sharpshooter who definitely and lucidly wanted you dead?
tzikeh: I'm not threatened by genius. Possibly a modifier? I mean, do geniuses scare you? Are they like clowns? Madmen scare me quite a bit, because I have no idea what the fuck they might do. Geniuses tend to sit around and be smart a lot.
Sam: You're proving my point! Geniuses are less surface scary but, if malevolent, much more dangerous.
tzikeh: Oh, you mean evil geniuses! See, I was like, wait, am I more threatened by Charles Manson or Albert Einstein? THIS IS A NO-BRAINER.
Sam: Well, look at it this way: Charles Manson arranged to have quite a few people killed, but Albert Einstein contributed significantly to the creation of the atomic bomb.
Dove: You and Sam and I, perhaps not, but Joe Q. Public is way more afraid of smart people than crazy people.
Junie: And those of us who are both really get the short end of the stick.

"But it's also a handy detonator. See, I make one call from this phone, and something somewhere goes...kaboom."
tzikeh: Okay, from now on, I'm referring to The Old Woman from TGG as "Katy Kaboom"
Junie: You've ruined Animaniacs and TGG forever.
tzikeh: "He's a psychopath!" "He's a murderer!" "He's a CHICKEN, I tell you--a giant CHICKEN!"

Neal pretended to consider it. In all honesty, it didn't sound so bad; Moriarty had a lot of power and Neal liked people with power.
tzikeh: WHAT? Sam, I don't think Neal would ever consider life with a psychotic murderer "not so bad"
Junie: How about "On the surface," instead of "In all honesty?"
Sam: That works better, yeah.
tzikeh: Jim Moriarty: Looks Good On Paper.
Sam: Talks Funny In Reality.

"But you have special skills, Neal. And you're reasonably bright. Not Sherlock-bright, or me-bright, but bright enough. Jam?"
Sam: Frankly, Jam is just a funny word.
tzikeh: "Seventh wife: made out of jam!"

"Am I going to find a body in your kitchen?" Lestrade asked.
Junie: Well, not one that wasn't there before tonight.
Sam: And that was mostly just bits of one.

tzikeh: "What do you get when Mr. Holmes eats too much cheese?"
Spider: I hate you.
tzikeh: YAY!
Sam: You know the traditional response of course. "Keep digging, Watson!"
tzikeh: Oh, my God.
Sam: I didn't invent it!

Sam: Maybe I need to do a deleted scene.
Junie: The power of smut compels you!
Sam: I hate you all!
Spider: You love us.
Junie: We're your favorites on account of how we have the world's best ideas.
tzikeh: Six people liked this.

Sam: I am LOL. I can't edit my own damn story because every time I try to save it, one of you is already saving it and it cuts me off.
lizzledpink: (neal caffrey)

[personal profile] lizzledpink 2011-03-27 10:45 pm (UTC)(link)
Good grammar and good prose have this awkward hate/love relationship, I feel. The kind of relationship where the newspapers have stopped bothering to report when they divorce and most of the relatives don't bother coming to the weddings anymore.

lizzledpink: (Default)

[personal profile] lizzledpink 2011-03-27 10:55 pm (UTC)(link)
They probably have one lurking in the back pages of a Terry Pratchett novel or something.