sam_storyteller: (Torchwood)
sam_storyteller ([personal profile] sam_storyteller) wrote2005-07-18 02:10 pm
Entry tags:

Blink Twice For Coffee

Title: Blink Twice For Coffee
Rating: PG
Fandom: Torchwood
Authors: [personal profile] cruentum and [personal profile] sam_storyteller
Summary: It's like this: I died and turned into a fifty-second century bartender. It's very distracting.
Notes: This arose out of a discussion we had in Sam's meta post for The Pandorica Opens. No spoilers, but it will make marginally more sense if you've seen that. Not that it's ever going to make that much sense, so you shouldn't try too hard. Just let it wash over you. That's best really.
Warnings: None.

First Posted 6.20.2010


So a Captain walks into a bar in the future.

It sounds like the start of a joke and, in a way, it sort of is.

Right, before you say anything, I can explain. It's like this: I died and turned into a fifty-second century bartender. It's very distracting. With all the...bartendery stuff in my head.

So, yeah, dying was fun. Not.

How are you, Jack? Can I get you some tap water? No? Yes? Nod for yes, Jack. Blink twice if you can hear me. Three times if you'd like sparkling water.

Shit. It's been too long, hasn't it? I'm Ianto. Hi. Ianto Jones.

You never used to just let your mouth hang open like that. If it's an invitation, this century still has a public indecency taboo. Plus you're going to dry right out. Maybe you need juice. Jack? Juice? Yes? No?

Could you sit down? Good? Not good? Good? Some vodka maybe? You should try vodka. A Mai Tai? I make a mean Mai Tai. Look, I meant to call but who pays the phone bills for long distance? Me, that's who. But you were on my list, here, down here.

Not the Mai Tai, tea maybe? I can probably make tea. No wait, you were the one with the coffee. Sorry, that sounds awful, but you do meet so many people in a bar, and they all want you to remember their drink, and frankly the whole thing's a bit fuzzy.

See you've kept the coat, couldn't forget that coat. You should take that off actually, it's warm in here -- look, Jack, really, go hang up your coat and find a seat and I'll be with you in a minute. I mean, you're blocking the flow to the bar.

Just give me the glasses, mate, don't mind him.

You couldn't have chosen a less busy night to drop by, could you? There's this nice chair, just sit there, Jack, and we can talk. I'm Ianto, remember that. With the Welsh vowels and the short hair, not Gwen. Not Gwen. Blink four times if you thought I was Gwen.

No blinks? Well, that's a start. Right. Here's some coffee, there we are, just let it sit for a moment to cool -- probably won't be a problem, will it? -- and if you need cream or sugar, you can...twitch, or sommmmmffffhhh.

So I guess you do remember me.

I expect a large tip, you know. You are hogging my time here, after all. You didn't lose your voice to a voice-eating alien, did you? Or your brain? Did something eat your brain, Jack? Don't blink for yes.

Well, I suppose I've had worse dates. Have you got a bunk nearby?

After that it's all groaning and "Fuck yes" and heavy breathing, which isn't that funny as punchlines go.

But later they'll laugh about this.

amand_r: (Default)

[personal profile] amand_r 2010-06-20 01:40 pm (UTC)(link)
I loled.


(Anonymous) 2010-06-20 01:50 pm (UTC)(link)
*giggles like mad*

bare_bear: Caution sign showing a monster leaning over a cliff to eat a car (Default)

[personal profile] bare_bear 2010-06-20 01:53 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh Ianto, duty before all else, unless it involves sex. Thanks for the crack, you sexy bastards. :D
filomena: (glorydays gdl)

[personal profile] filomena 2010-06-20 01:56 pm (UTC)(link)
I hereby declare this plot device "Rory's Autonomy," a.k.a. the Retcon for Every Unpopular Canon-moment Ever (REUCE).

BLINK TWICE. *snorts*

You guyz are a lethal, lethal combo. Just saying.

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[personal profile] filomena - 2010-06-20 16:24 (UTC) - Expand

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[personal profile] cruentum - 2010-06-20 16:27 (UTC) - Expand

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[personal profile] cruentum - 2010-06-20 16:33 (UTC) - Expand

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[personal profile] filomena - 2010-06-20 16:37 (UTC) - Expand

Butting in, but...

[personal profile] helle - 2010-06-21 12:07 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Butting in, but...

[personal profile] filomena - 2010-06-21 12:50 (UTC) - Expand

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[personal profile] filomena - 2010-06-20 16:32 (UTC) - Expand
firefly124: Jack holding Ianto icon by iconillusion (janto6 by iconillusion)

[personal profile] firefly124 2010-06-20 02:00 pm (UTC)(link)
ROFLMAO! That's awesome!

[personal profile] priscellie 2010-06-20 02:01 pm (UTC)(link)

I'd love to see this performed as a monologue at some geeky con.
stripped: (Default)

[personal profile] stripped 2010-06-20 02:28 pm (UTC)(link)
OMG I second this. *dies giggling* My brain is now traveling back two decades to my years in speech club and wanting to perform it...

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[personal profile] tree00faery - 2010-06-20 16:02 (UTC) - Expand
azurelunatic: A glittery black pin badge with a blue holographic star in the middle. (Default)

[personal profile] azurelunatic 2010-06-20 02:25 pm (UTC)(link)
Ianto = amazingly unflappable.
stripped: (Default)

[personal profile] stripped 2010-06-20 02:29 pm (UTC)(link)
and if you need cream or sugar, you can...twitch, or sommmmmffffhhh.

So I guess you do remember me.

*collapses into giggles* Oh thank you for the something wonderful this morning.

[identity profile] 2010-06-20 03:24 pm (UTC)(link)
I've not seen more than two episodes of this season of DW yet, because I'm swamped and am waiting to marathon it when Patty goes to visit her parents for a couple of weeks soon, BUT I LOVE THIS SO HARD.

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[identity profile] - 2010-06-20 15:48 (UTC) - Expand
tree00faery: (Default)

[personal profile] tree00faery 2010-06-20 03:46 pm (UTC)(link)
LOL! You guys actually made this into a fic! You are both made of win.

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sanura: (Default)

[personal profile] sanura 2010-06-20 03:48 pm (UTC)(link)
FOR GRATE LOLZ. Nothing is better than Ianto keeping up a steady, unflappable competence, except Ianto being flapped. Into sex. Ahahaha.

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[personal profile] filomena - 2010-06-20 16:25 (UTC) - Expand

(Anonymous) 2010-06-20 04:49 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm so weeks behind on DW being in the States, and haven't gone the online route, but this is great anyways!


(Anonymous) 2010-06-20 05:04 pm (UTC)(link)
Hahahahaha. Loved it.
kelticbanshee: (Default)

[personal profile] kelticbanshee 2010-06-20 06:09 pm (UTC)(link)
Love it! :)
siliconshaman: black cat against the moon (Default)

[personal profile] siliconshaman 2010-06-20 06:34 pm (UTC)(link)
Dammmm...that's good. Although when did Ianto turn into a motormouth?

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[personal profile] cruentum - 2010-06-20 21:41 (UTC) - Expand

(Anonymous) 2010-06-20 07:21 pm (UTC)(link)
Love this!!! X3

(not so much once I remember what happened at the end of "The Pandorica Opens", but I'm going to ignore that last bit, here. Anyway, even if the same thing happened here, Jack would just get back up, so it's a moot point, anyway :P)
ordinarygirl: (Default)

[personal profile] ordinarygirl 2010-06-20 07:26 pm (UTC)(link)
I AM DEAD. I read it out loud in my best Ianto impersonation to [personal profile] allfireburns and she was DYING laughing.

Bravo, you two.

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[personal profile] ordinarygirl - 2010-06-20 21:37 (UTC) - Expand
idamus: (Default)

[personal profile] idamus 2010-06-20 07:59 pm (UTC)(link)
Mmm, just what I needed before going to bed, loved it

thedeadcat: Dead Cat Harvest Cat (Animated TARDIS)

[personal profile] thedeadcat 2010-06-20 09:25 pm (UTC)(link)
I am... vastly horrified.

No wait, I mean amused! Amused! Vastly amused.

Amusedly horrified.

"When we die we go wherever we say we're going to go. In which case, I'm going to be a public toilet in Honduras." -badly paraphrased Carlin.

So is a 52nd century bar a reward for good behavior or punishment for some weird 21st century transgression?

[identity profile] 2010-06-21 12:46 am (UTC)(link)
Left a comment, deleted it on account of spoilers, but I figure you'll get the notification and be horrified all the same. ;)

[identity profile] 2010-06-21 12:59 am (UTC)(link)
oh. my. gods... my brain.

um. I'd say maybe you two shouldn't be allowed to sit next to each other at school, but then we wouldn't get stuff like this and it feels so good when the hammer stops banging... um... wow.

what *were* you drinking? never mind. I don't want to know.

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[identity profile] 2010-06-21 01:22 am (UTC)(link)


*ahem* Also, Rory is hot as a Roman. Very distracting.
tei: Woman in red dress in the snow. (11/Amy)

[personal profile] tei 2010-06-21 03:43 am (UTC)(link)
Darn, I won't be able to see The Pandorica Opens for three weeks. But this was still darn hilarious. And adorable. And awesome.

(Anonymous) 2010-06-21 09:41 am (UTC)(link)
Fantastic :)

(Anonymous) 2010-06-21 02:47 pm (UTC)(link)
Very, very odd.


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