sam_storyteller: (Default)
sam_storyteller ([personal profile] sam_storyteller) wrote2005-07-18 12:25 pm
Entry tags:

Not What You're Thinking; PG-13.

Title: Not What You're Thinking
Summary: Gwen can't help but ask. Ianto can't quite resist telling.
Rating: PG-13
Ships/Characters: Jack/Ianto, Gwen, Tosh.
Warnings: None.
Notes: Coming up with this made me feel like a god damned genius. I love a tidy fanfic. *dusts hands*

Originally posted 10.18.08

Also available at AO3.


"So," Gwen said, sitting down next to Ianto on the sofa. "Naked hide-and-seek."

It was a week after she'd walked in on them -- Ianto knew he'd date things for some time to come as Before and After Greenhouse -- which he suspected was just enough time for her to get over the shock of Flat Holm and not quite enough time for her to work it out on her own. Not that Gwen would work things out on her own if she could ask, generally. Nothing if not excruciatingly direct, Gwen Cooper.

"You've been pondering this," he said.

"Well, yes."

"And you want to know how it's played."

Gwen just beamed at him in the way that made him want to get her the number of a good orthodontist.

"It's less aerobic than you think," he said, turning back to the newspaper he'd been reading before Gwen barged in and ended his game of Let's Pretend That Never Happened. A week was not a record but, setting aside his epic game with Jack over who held a gun to whose head, it was close.

"Really?" she asked in a hushed tone. He lifted an eyebrow at her. "It's just..."

"All you can picture is Jack running naked through the Hub?" he asked. She nodded.

"And it's really, um." She brushed hair out of her eyes. "Compelling, on one level, but mostly -- "

"Absurd. Because if you've ever seen a naked man run -- "

" -- they look really stupid," she finished. Ianto nodded. And went back to the newspaper again.

"Ianto," she prompted.

"I'm not entirely certain I'm comfortable discussing things with you if they involve me being naked," he announced.

"Come on. You know you're dying to tell me about your kinky sex life with Jack. Any ordinary person would be."

"Would be what?" Tosh asked, passing with a laptop balanced on one arm and a USB cable looped around her neck.

"Ianto's explaining the rules of naked hide-and-seek," Gwen said. Ianto could see her processing it, pondering it, picturing it. The moment when she reached the same mental image as Gwen, she bit her lip to keep from laughing.

"Not what you're thinking," Ianto insisted.

Tosh looked at her laptop and then at Ianto and seemed torn. Ianto sighed and folded the paper. Tosh all but threw the laptop on her desk and settled herself on the arm of the sofa, behind Gwen.

"You know, you could ask him yourself," Ianto pointed out, turning to them. "He'd probably show you. With intricate diagrams if not hands-on lessons."

"I have this fear that if you don't tell me, I'm going to spend the rest of my life picturing you running through the Hub naked," Tosh said.

Ianto considered this statement and then decided to place it squarely in the middle of a new inning of Let's Pretend That Never Happened.

"This is just a friendly warning," he said. "Stopwatches are involved."

Both women caught their breath. Ianto prayed Owen was happily distracted by something dead and interesting and Jack's phone call with Torchwood Two would last at least another ten minutes.

"It -- it doesn't involve any actual physical hiding, however," he said, trying for clinical or at least professional.

"But it is naked," Tosh said, half-question, half-statement.

"Which is to say...the players are, yes," Ianto said slowly. Tosh put a hand to the base of her throat, an oh my gesture that she was past-master at. Ianto made a mental note to save the CCTV footage for later. Jack would want to see it, and it would be good taunting material for Owen.

As long as he never, ever had to explain to Owen what he was saying.

"One person hides, the other seeks," he continued. In situations like this it was best to pretend to be Jack. Although to be fair Jack would already have at least one of them topless by now if he was really putting his mind to it. "The hider holds the stopwatch."

Gwen and Tosh's eyes both went to the narrow silver chain hanging on his waistcoat.

"The person hiding thinks of..." he chose his word very carefully, "...a body part. Any body part," he said, as Gwen badly suppressed a giggle. "The person seeking has a set time limit in which to find it."

"How..." Tosh, he could tell, had no idea how to finish that question.

"Well, that varies. In the usual course of things, hands-only," Ianto managed. Colour was rising very prettily in Gwen's cheeks. "Full body contact is prohibited, naturally. But there are other methods," he added.

See, this was how Jack got into those orgies he'd mentioned now and again. This sort of thing must be how he did it.

"At any rate, if the seeker, well, finds, then it's their turn to hide. If they don't, and if the hider manages to actually keep track of the time, they get another turn to hide. The obvious idea is to begin mundane -- say the elbow, or the back of the neck, and progress from there."

One of Gwen's shoes was rubbing subtly against her ankle. Ianto let the idea sink in.

"There's no particular limit on how long one can play the game, but I suppose the point is moot. Eventually, both parties win," he finished. "Unless of course there are stakes involved. Particular requests depending on who wins, et cetera. Then it's rather more competitive."

"Oh," Tosh said. Gwen looked positively dazed.

"That's all, really," he added with a cheerful smile. He picked up his newspaper, sat back, and started reading again.

"But..." Gwen said, after a few seconds. " do you cheat?"

"I'm sure you can figure it out if you think about it," came a voice from behind them. Gwen and Tosh jumped; Ianto glanced over their heads at Jack, arms crossed, leaning in the doorway of his office.

"Some people refuse to abide by the hands-only rule," Ianto pointed out, turning back to his newspaper.

"Take it up with the international rules and standards committee," Jack shrugged. "I'm sure they'll discipline me appropriately. Weevil-hunting tonight, Ianto?"

"Yes, sir."

" going...over there," Gwen said, pointing to her desk. She stood, a little unsteadily, and walked away.

"I have. In the archives. Things to...plug in," Tosh blurted, then looked horrified and ran for the stairs.

"Don't say a word. They asked," Ianto said, as Jack opened his mouth again.

"I think you just got to first base with Tosh," Jack observed.

"I'll have to cut another notch in my headboard."

"You couldn't wait until I could help explain? We could have had an orgy." Jack moved forward until he was standing at the end of the couch, hands in his pockets. "You know nobody can resist those vowels when they're describing lewd acts."

"My vowels are irresistible when they're describing the stopped drains in the loos," Ianto said unconcernedly. "If you want an orgy, Jack, orchestrate one yourself."

There was a long pause.

"Please don't," he added finally. Jack grinned. In the background, they could hear Gwen telling Rhys she'd be home early.

"I have one question for you," Jack said, as Ianto finished with the newspaper and stood to collect up cups before the two-pm coffee riots.

"Just one, Jack?"

"Why didn't you tell them you invented naked hide-and-seek?"


[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:17 am (UTC)(link)

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:18 am (UTC)(link)


such_heights: amy and rory looking at a pile of post (tw: ianto ftw)

[personal profile] such_heights 2008-10-19 12:19 am (UTC)(link)
I do believe this is what dying of glee feels like. I mean, the whole thing, with Ianto channelling Jack and getting to first base with Tosh and the explanation and oh god this is so my canon now.


[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:22 am (UTC)(link)
"I have. In the archives. Things to...plug in," Tosh blurted, then looked horrified and ran for the stairs.

This made me laugh out loud, which is INCREDIBLY rare for a fic. I loved this! It's not easy to write something like this and stay in character, but you've managed it. Bravo.

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:55 am (UTC)(link)
That's really the issue with most fics where Ianto talks to anyone about anything involving sex, isn't it? It's SO HARD to stay in character.

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:25 am (UTC)(link)
This is win. Especially this:

"I think you just got to first base with Tosh." Jack observed. (Although shouldn't that be a comma? I am not sure.)

And the last line is perfect.

Now I really want one with Nicholas in, though.

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:29 am (UTC)(link)
Should be a comma, yes *fixes* Thanks! :D

I totally wanted to go back and write a whole new version with Nicholas in it, once I realised I couldn't use The Rules Of Naked Hide-And-Seek as a title unless he was in. :D

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:25 am (UTC)(link)
"I think you just got to first base with Tosh." Jack observed.

I think this was the first time I shrieked and scared the dog.

And I heartily approve of Ianto inventing naughty games.
ext_1798: (jack harkness manwhore/dancy dreamer)

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:29 am (UTC)(link)
I'm impressed by your inventiveness. :)

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 06:41 am (UTC)(link)
I do my best, sir.

ext_2751: (janto mussed)

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:32 am (UTC)(link)
*stunned* This is perfect. Really.

And Ianto invented it, because he would, dirty smart boy that he is.

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:36 am (UTC)(link)
You are made of win as is this fic!

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:42 am (UTC)(link)
They didn't ask! XD XD XD

Oh, that's excellent. It's a MUCH better game than regular hide and seek while naked.

I love Ianto's reaction to Gwen's asking, and both Tosh and Gwen's reaction to Ianto's explaining.

Ianto invented it because he is an evil genius. :-)

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:55 am (UTC)(link)
Ianto doesn't want them getting the idea that they can come to him for sexual advice. :D

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:43 am (UTC)(link)
"Why didn't you tell them you invented naked hide-and-seek?"

Best. Line. Ever.

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:43 am (UTC)(link)
Oh God Sam.... You are completely and totally made of WIN.


[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:45 am (UTC)(link)
*giggles madly* This is perfection~

"I have. In the archives. Things to...plug in," Tosh blurted, then looked horrified and ran for the stairs.
Sometimes, I think Tosh could give Jack a run for his money. Seriously.

Thank you so much for actually defining Naked Hide and Seek, also, because I have had images of naked!Jack and naked!Ianto running about the Hub, and it was . . . absurd. I like the less bouncy-bits version. Yay for pervily creative Ianto~

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:54 am (UTC)(link)

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:45 am (UTC)(link)

It was already awesome, Sam, and then you added the last line. DAMN YOU.

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:54 am (UTC)(link)
Really the entire fic was setup for the punchline. :D

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:52 am (UTC)(link)
That last line just made up for a day full of PSATS. Thank you.

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:54 am (UTC)(link)
Oh man, PSAT. I still remember with bitterness. I loathe standardised testing. Glad I could brighten your day :)

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 12:59 am (UTC)(link)
*looks at previous comments* Oh, PSATs. That was 3 standardized tests ago...and of course it's not over. Oh, education.

Anyway, your fic really made me miss Tosh. But in a warm, "remembering the good times" sort of way rather than a "screw the writers for never letting her be anything other than mousy and unlucky in love" sort of way.

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 01:01 am (UTC)(link)
hah! \o/

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 01:03 am (UTC)(link)
This DOES solve many problems at once -- as well as being terribly entertaining! And of course it would be Ianto who made it up. Jack probably couldn't be bothered thinking of all those rules. :)
ext_1056: (the man and the hand)

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 01:04 am (UTC)(link)
Oh Sam. absolutely perfect. So in character and Lord, I giggled like a schoolgirl.

Thank you so much. after a day of being sick *and* having to study for midterms, this was perfect!

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 01:04 am (UTC)(link)
*applauds madly*

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 01:06 am (UTC)(link)
Probably there will be lots of other comments about all the rest of this story (including the last line, which was brilliant), so I just want to mention this:

before the two-pm coffee riots.

Torchwood has those too? I suppose some things are common to the human experience.

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 01:07 am (UTC)(link)
It's kind of astounding, isn't it? It's like they're all on some kind of subconscious wavelength. You could set your clock by it.

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 01:15 am (UTC)(link)
Best closing line ever.

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 01:15 am (UTC)(link)
*applauds* That was hysterical and just perfect!

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 01:17 am (UTC)(link)
I have this friend, Sam. And you and she, though you do not know it, are continually and quietly involved in this bizarre game of one-up-man-ship when it comes to Torchwood fics. Tonight you are up by 1. Because she is busy baking enough cookies and sundry to feed her entire school.

Long story short, once again you have proved yoruself to be a master of the voices of these characters. Truly.

"Take it up with the international rules and standards committee," Jack shrugged.

Oh heavens, there WOULD be a committee, wouldn't there. Also, this line:

"I have this fear that if you don't tell me, I'm going to spend the rest of my life picturing you running through the Hub naked."

Thank you, Tosh Sam, for saying what every single freaking viewer of Torchwood was thinking during and after that episode.

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 01:22 am (UTC)(link)
LOL, well, so, link me already, I want to see the competition! Also I want her cookie recipe. :D

Seriously. Naked hide and seek sounds like the least erotic game ever if you take the idea literally.

(no subject)

[identity profile] - 2008-10-19 01:30 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] - 2008-10-19 01:33 (UTC) - Expand

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 01:19 am (UTC)(link)
Genius, indeed. Both you and Ianto.

I loved Gwen and Tosh's reactions to it. And this has to be my favorite line:

"Take it up with the international rules and standards committee," Jack shrugged. "I'm sure they'll discipline me appropriately. Weevil-hunting tonight, Ianto?"

Since Ianto seems to be the committee in question, the "disciplining" thing does have... interesting possibilities...

[identity profile] 2008-10-19 01:21 am (UTC)(link)
I'm sure sometimes Jack cheats just so the committee will find him in need of punishment.

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