sam_storyteller: (Default)
sam_storyteller ([personal profile] sam_storyteller) wrote2005-07-11 09:07 pm
Entry tags:

I Don't Have To Like Him. PG-13.

Summary: House is Cuddy's donor. That doesn't mean...well, you know.
Warnings: None.

Also available at AO3.

***

"This is sexy," House said, leaning on the counter of the exam room in the fertility office.

"Shut up, House," Cuddy answered, shifting uncomfortably on the bed.

"No, I mean it. Paper hospital gowns are hot. Of course, I get less of a clevage peep than normal -- "

"My child is going to be concieved in this room, do you think you could maybe not make remarks about my breasts here?" she inquired.

"I'm pretty sure most children are concieved while at least one person is making remarks about the other's breasts. I can't wait until breastfeeding commences," he said with relish.

"Are you trying to talk me out of this?"

"Would I do a thing like that?"

"Considering your fear of commitment? I'm shocked you even agreed to do this."

He looked puzzled. "I'm not afraid of commitment. Eels, yes, and I keep having this dream about falling off a rollercoaster -- "

"You've had two dates in five years!"

"Keeping track?" he quirked an eyebrow. "Stacy moved in with me a week after we met. On my invitation. Reluctance to commit to the wrong person doesn't imply fear of committing to everyone."

She tilted her head to one side. "And I'm not the wrong person?"

Occasionally he got this look, when he couldn't refute something, that resembled nothing so much as a deer in the headlights. Then he'd look away -- ah, there -- and duck his head, and change the subject.

"So what are you going to tell people when they ask who the father is?" he said.

"What I would have told them anyway. I had artificial insemination and you've agreed to be my OB."

"Yeah, they'll buy that."

"Do you want in on the birth or not? It's OB or lamaze coach."

A muscle in his jaw tightened. "No incompetent gynecologist who washed out of surgical is going to kill my kid. You know infant mortality rates in this country."

"Your kid, huh?"

"Listen, I just don't want to have to jerk into a cup a second time."

"Nice change from a towel, though."

He clutched his heart dramatically. "Slain!"

"Funny. Where is the damn doctor?"

"Knocking up some other broad."

"Did you just call me a broad?"

"By the time House Junior shows up you'll definitely be bro -- "

"House Junior."

"You're going to saddle your offspring with your last name? I thought -- "

"House. Junior."

" -- the American dream was to give kids a better future than their parents."

"I'm not giving her your name," she retorted.

"Him."

"Although Damien House does have a nice ring to it."

"Whatever you say, Rosemary."

"Why. Why did I think this would be a good idea?" She rubbed her forehead. "Of all the doctors -- I could have had Wilson here, you know, holding my hand and stroking my fevered brow..."

She stopped because House had closed the distance between himself and the bed, picking up her fingers with his left hand and clasping them gently. His right hand brushed a lock of hair out of her eyes.

"If you wanted that," he said softly, and with a wide, mischevious grin, "You should have gotten Cameron to be your donor."

The door opened and he stepped backwards as swiftly as his leg would allow, standing still and remarkably quiet as the fertility doctor entered.

"Hello Lisa!" she said with a smile. "Hi, Greg."

"Anne," Cuddy said warmly. House muttered something under his breath.

"Ready to become parents?" Anne asked brightly.

"Christ, is that why we're here? I thought we were buying a car!" House replied.

"You'd better hope the baby gets your personality," Anne said to Cuddy. "The good news is, you're ready to go. Greg, if you get squeamish around girl parts -- "

"I'm a doctor," he said sharply.

"So am I, but you should see me around snakes."

"Do you encounter many snakes as a fertility expert?" House asked, sounding almost interested. She rolled her eyes.

"Stick around, you might learn something," Cuddy said, as she put her feet in the stirrups.

"Plus, hot girl on girl action!"

"I'm hoping he's the result of nurture, not nature," Cuddy said to Anne.

"He's got dreamy eyes," Anne stage-whispered back.

"I'm in hell," House announced.

"Wait till the baby comes before you tell me about hell," Anne remarked, holding up what looked remarkably like the product of the union between a syringe and a turkey baster. "Say hello to your swimmers."

"Say goodbye to your donor," House said, making for the door.

"Don't you dare -- "

"It's all you, boys!" House called over his shoulder. "Last one in's a rotten egg!"

Cuddy looked at Anne as the door swung shut.

"He has an IQ of two hundred and five," she said.

"And dreamy eyes," Anne agreed. "Besides, he likes you. I can tell."

"I hope not," Cuddy said, closing her eyes. "That would make life ridiculously complicated."

"Don't you like him?"

"God, no."

"Then why...?"

Cuddy smiled. "I trust him. I don't have to like him."

END

[identity profile] dolimir-k.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 02:16 am (UTC)(link)
Awwww. Liked this...a LOT!

[identity profile] wanderingwidget.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 02:22 am (UTC)(link)
Thank You, for a realistic House and Cuddy's baby-daddy fic ^_^ Their banter was funny and the debate over the names/gender of the baby was priceless. I especially liked the ending.

And now I shall continue in my sacred duty and ::poke:: the House/NCIS crossover fic, even though I'm sure that you're uber busy with a bazillion other things ^^;
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[identity profile] latara.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 02:28 am (UTC)(link)
Aww, I really enjoyed this. Good House, good Cuddy, good all-around.

[identity profile] adina-atl.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 02:30 am (UTC)(link)
Much more realistic, yes. I'm glad House is his usual snarky self, and the bit where he "held her hand and stroked her fevered brow" and then jumped away when he thought someone might see him was perfect. I also like the banter about cleavage.

Curious about something: what state is the show supposed to be set in? Because except in California, as far as I know, House's little swimmers would have had to spend six months in quarantine. (I'm glad you had them doing this through another doctor, in her office, because it eliminates some serious legal complications. Yes, I know a little too much about this subject to be an easy reader.)

[identity profile] majrgenrl8.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 02:39 am (UTC)(link)
Jersey. Somewhere around Princeton. So in that part of Jersey where the North meets the South, where it seems to be both and neither, and where everyone has just given up and decided that they live in Central Jersey.

And Sam, this was brilliant. You really have the voices down, an amzing feat in House fic.

[identity profile] chocolaticida.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 02:30 am (UTC)(link)
"He has an IQ of two hundred and five," she said.
I don't know why, but that of all the phrases made laugh out loud. Maybe because I just pictured Cuddy's face then- priceless.
And Damien House does have a nice ring :)

[identity profile] bluejeans07.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 02:32 am (UTC)(link)
Ohhh, this was hilarious and brilliant and wonderful all at the same time. I love how House turns and flees the scene when the moment of truth comes. XD

[identity profile] tanathir.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 02:33 am (UTC)(link)
Awwww and LOL together in the same fic! That takes some talent, you know. Thanks for sharing your ficcie.

[identity profile] lady-nimua.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 02:48 am (UTC)(link)
this is cute and funny! I really like this.
It makes sense that someone with such a high IQ is so stupid sometimes.


WRITE MORE.

also, GO BACK TO YOUR FRENCH STUDIES, YOUNG MAN.

[identity profile] juniper200.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 03:05 am (UTC)(link)
Yeah! Do it over in French!

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[identity profile] nasturtium.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 02:52 am (UTC)(link)
Perfect. Snarky and in character and perfect.

[identity profile] danceswchopstck.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 02:57 am (UTC)(link)
Argh. Oo. Ouches good. I think. Uh. ;)

[identity profile] chibi-squirt.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 02:59 am (UTC)(link)
A quick fix on my House addiction, yay! Although everybody's said it, you really do have their voices down. In particular, the line about 205 was vintage Cuddy.

[identity profile] tainted--pen.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 03:00 am (UTC)(link)
Wow, that was amazing! And so realistic too! Seeing Cuddy and House in character makes me really, really happy!

Mind if I add this one to my memories?

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 02:38 pm (UTC)(link)
Please feel free! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

[identity profile] le-parapluie.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 03:00 am (UTC)(link)
Ah, no one writes House fic like you, Sam. ;)

[identity profile] zuclinator.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 03:09 am (UTC)(link)
Quite wonderful.
"I'm in hell," House announced

Oh, when are you not , House?

[identity profile] lastscorpion.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 03:25 am (UTC)(link)
OMG the banter! That was terrific!

He looked puzzled. "I'm not afraid of commitment. Eels, yes, and I keep having this dream about falling off a rollercoaster -- "

"Funny. Where is the damn doctor?"

"Christ, is that why we're here? I thought we were buying a car!" House replied.

"Do you encounter many snakes as a fertility expert?" House asked, sounding almost interested.


The fertility specialist's crack about House being squeamish around girl parts was funny, too, and the last line was perfect! Yay!

[identity profile] stephantom.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 03:30 am (UTC)(link)
I hesitated to read this because there have been an awful lot of fics based off this idea, but I'm glad I did read it. Very funny and extremely in-character exchanges. I enjoyed it a lot.

[identity profile] marie-1989.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 03:44 am (UTC)(link)
haha! love this!

[identity profile] languedepoisson.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 03:46 am (UTC)(link)
Yess, it wasn't gooshy. I always imagined House/Cuddy to be all gooshy! But House is still there and their funny-but-not-too-funny/we-secretly-love-each-other banter is still there too.:)

[identity profile] languedepoisson.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 03:47 am (UTC)(link)
Don't you love it when you mess a tag up and realize it just as you press submit? D:

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[identity profile] ecaterin.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 04:11 am (UTC)(link)
Cuddy smiled. "I trust him. I don't have to like him."

PERFECT!!!!!!!!

[identity profile] cesario.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 04:28 am (UTC)(link)
That was extremely entertaining. And very in-character. I love that House is coaching his sperm. And the last line is a killer.

You know, it's interesting---I remember you saying something awhile back about reading the HP books primarily as a way to get fodder for your fic? (I may be misremembering the phrasing.) Is there something about House (and Wimsey, for that matter) that tempts you to play more with the extant canon, rather than re-creating the universe on a large scale?

Not complaining, just curious.

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 05:22 am (UTC)(link)
I think it's a question of quality, really. With House and Wimsey, the quality of canon is pre-existent, so I can play with it; with JKR, she's invented FANTASTIC characters and concepts and then shunted them into a pretty mediocre set of books. So it's more fun to take her characters out for a romp and leave the actual canon events behind :D

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[identity profile] wildcatlizzie.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 04:43 am (UTC)(link)
That was brilliant!

"It's all you, boys!" House called over his shoulder. "Last one in's a rotten egg!"
Best line ever, right there. :)
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[identity profile] swatkat24.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 05:59 am (UTC)(link)
Hee. That was excellent! I could quote the lines I loved, but then I'd have to quote the whole fic.

[identity profile] shadowfyre8537.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 06:49 am (UTC)(link)
That was perfect. I could actually hear House making that crack about Cuddy's cleavage and telling his sperm that it was all them.

Honestly, House/Cuddy makes me cringe, but it's not so bad when they're IC.

[identity profile] notlefthanded.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 07:04 am (UTC)(link)
"Nurture, not nature" rang so true, and killed me. And now I am imagining the high-larious labor and delivery scene. :D

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 02:15 pm (UTC)(link)
hugh-larious! :D

I think what appeals to House about being her OB and delivering the child is that then he can focus totally on the procedure, and blot out precisely what's going on.

Fic: I Don't Have to Like Him

[identity profile] rosewillread.livejournal.com 2006-06-08 08:17 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, very good.
Certainly a sensible argument to write a fic from. And very funny.
Great Cuddy-House interaction, and showing how well she knows him.
I expected it to be less cutting with the ending. House taking her hand and talking with Anne is quite intimate and involved. But his leaving and Cuddy's last comment makes it seem a little mechanical. I suppose this gives them the distance they need from each other, and it's certainly in character. I'm just far too much a romantic not to want to see it work out for them (regardless of the nature of their relationship, because I don't think this could be the basis for something romantic).

Anyway. Excellent. And thanks.

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