sam_storyteller: (Crossover Fic)
sam_storyteller ([personal profile] sam_storyteller) wrote2013-07-15 11:16 am
Entry tags:

Marvel: Captain Marvelous

Title: Captain Marvelous
Rating: PG-13
Summary: The "morning" after.
Warnings: None.
Notes: Inspired by a conversation about Clint/Carol quoted here.

Also available at AO3.


There were five minutes of silence.

Then Carol said, "Oh, my God," and covered her face with her hands.

"You know," Clint replied thoughtfully, still trying to catch his breath, "it's really kind of upsetting how often I get that response. I don't take it personally or use it as a measure of my sexual prowess, mind you, but -- "

"Are you always this chatty after sex?" Carol asked.

"I am when you do that," Clint replied.

Carol got off the bed, pulling the sheet around her and trailing it behind her.

"You make that look good," Clint offered.

"Why did I do this? Was there sex pollen?" she asked, turning back to him. "There wasn't, was there?"

"Not that I know of," Clint said, rolling off the bed and pulling his pants on. "Come on, Carol, this happens all the time. You're fighting bad guys, all those good battle hormones raging, the sweetness of victory, gotta take the edge off..."

Carol narrowed her eyes. "How many times have you done this, exactly?"

"Sex? Baby, I don't keep track."

"You're so obnoxious."

Clint grinned, tossing her his shirt. She sniffed it and let it fall. "Now I'm hurt," he said.

"Is this a thing you do? Pick up women after battles?"

"Well, it works, but no, it's not like that's why I'm a superhero or anything," he said. "Sex after battles, yes, I do that. I like it. Try not to think about the time Tony and I had a teamup."

Carol opened her mouth, then paused, and tilted her head. "You and Tony?"

"A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, and neither do I," Clint said, stretching. "Lemme make you breakfast."

"It's four in the afternoon," she said, following him out of the bedroom.

"So?" he called over his shoulder.

Carol sighed and sat down at the kitchen bar. "You know this means nothing, right?"

Clint raised an eyebrow as he opened the cupboard. A series of "Just add water and shake!" pancake batter containers stood in a neat row.

"That's the whole point, Captain Marvelous," he said, taking one down and opening the cap. "Means nothing, changes nothing. It's just sex."

"Was it just sex with you and Jess?"

Clint winced. "I thought it was."

"Did you, Clint? Did you actually think that?"

He turned the tap on and poured a reasonable amount of water into the container.

"No," he admitted. "I'm just an asshole who destroys good things that happen to him. Can we not talk about Jess right now?"

"I slept with her ex, Jess is a part of this whether we discuss her or not."


"She's my friend, Clint. Ex has limited use in this situation."

"So don't tell her," Clint replied, filling the coffeepot and pouring water into the machine.

"I'm going to be eaten up with guilt!"

"Why? I'm not," Clint said. He dumped some grounds into what looked like a fresh filter and started up the coffee. "Are you really? Tell the truth. I told you the truth."

Carol sighed. "No, probably not. But this is going to blow up at some point, that always happens."

"So? It's in the future, no point in worrying about it. What's that thing like half the superheroes we know say? One day at a time, precious."

"Don't ever call me precious."

"Noted." Clint grinned as he set a pan to heat for the pancakes. "Come on, Carol, we could have a good thing here. Guilt-free, no-strings sex. We're both a little self-destructive, we could be a mess together."

Carol rested her chin on a hand. "That would go badly."

"Nah. You barely like me, no hope of getting attached."

She frowned. "Clint, I like you."

"Yeah, but not like that. I'm not the guy you bring home to your parents. I'm the guy you booty call when you're having a shitty day."

He tested the pan, tossed some butter on it, and slathered it around.

"Call me anytime," he said. "And if I show up at your front door with dinner, feel free to tell me to screw off. I won't be hurt."

"Yeah, nothing hurts you," she said drily.

Clint poured the entire bottle pancake batter into the center of the melted butter. He subscribed to go big or go home, when it came to pancakes.

"Look, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm damaged in ways that make stability pretty unlikely," he said. "I have to find connection where I can. And if some day War Machine comes to you with his shirt off -- "

"Monica told you?"

"Monica told Gambit, he can't keep his mouth shut. Rhodes is probably plotting his seduction of you as we speak. The point is, if you do find bliss with your hunk of burning metal love some day, or with anyone really, kick me to the curb. I'll find someone else. In the meantime..." he dug in the fridge and tossed her a bottle of maple syrup, "do me a favor and heat up the sugar."

Carol's hand glowed, and the syrup bubbled gently.

"Being a plain 'ol mortal sucks," Clint sighed, flipping the pancake deftly. Butter spattered his stove.

"We can't," Carol said, as if trying to convince herself. "We work with superhumans. Logan's going to smell you on me. Hell, Cap's going to smell you on me."

"Logan keeps his mouth shut, and Cap needs to get laid. I love the guy but Jesus God Almighty, does he need to get laid."

"You going to volunteer?"

Clint cracked up laughing. "Don't tell me you wouldn't climb Captain America like a tree."

"Well, maybe," Carol said with a smile. Clint smiled back. "In a world without consequences, I might. But that doesn't really get around the fact that Steve is going to know."

"And I can guarantee you what will happen is that he'll take me aside and ask if I'm doing a smart thing, but he won't tell anyone." Clint tested the pancake, decided it needed another minute, and turned back to her. "Look, it's up to you. Standing offer. I think we could have fun. Once you leave this apartment, I won't bring it up again."

"Well, thanks," Carol drawled, as Clint slid the pancake out onto a plate, cut it in half, and flipped half of the giant, thick cake onto a second plate. He pushed the plate across to her, tossed the butter after, and opened his fridge.

"I have some jam," he said doubtfully. "I think it's jam. It might be chutney."

"Why would you have chut -- right. Kate," she said. "No mystery jam, thanks."

"Dig in, then," Clint said, drowning his half of the monster pancake in syrup with one hand and pouring coffee with the other.

"This is disgusting," Carol said around a mouthful of pancake.

"I know!" Clint said cheerfully, shoveling it down. "Stick to your ribs, do you good."

"I can't believe how good this horrifying thing tastes."

"You need to carb up, we did a lot today. Fighting! Fighting, I was talking about the fighting," he added, as she menaced him with the fork. "Look, speaking as a man who has already died once, to a woman who is facing down her own mortality -- stop, don't even, we both know it's true -- life is short. I'm not offering you pity. I'm offering you fun. Take or leave, and that's my last word on it."

Carol took another bite of pancake. "You didn't really sleep with Tony."

"I'll never tell," Clint replied.

"Huh." She swallowed, pushing around another slab of pancake in the syrup. "So if I wanted seconds after we're done here?"

Clint choked on his pancake, thumping his chest and gulping hot coffee.

"Slick, Hawkeye," Carol observed.

"Moment of silence for the fact that I didn't reply That's what she said," Clint answered, clearing his throat.

"You're hopeless. A hopeless mess of a man."

"Yeah, but I always hit what I'm aiming for," Clint said, and it was Carol's turn to choke on her pancake.
onyxtwilight: (Default)

[personal profile] onyxtwilight 2013-07-16 02:01 am (UTC)(link)
Adorable and fun! Hooray! :-)