sam_storyteller: (Default)
sam_storyteller ([personal profile] sam_storyteller) wrote2005-07-12 08:49 am

The Book We'll Never See (RPF, JKR, Pratchett, Gaiman)

I don't think this was ever posted here -- I just rediscovered it post-hack. Enjoy. :)

Title: The Book We'll Never See
Summary: JK Rowling, Terry Pratchett, and Neil Gaiman have a quiet drink down the pub.
Warnings: None.

First posted 7.23.2003, just after OotP came out.

***

"But what I don't get is, why sales are dropping off now. I mean, all right, yes, I can understand some people were angry, but don't they want to find out if he comes back or not?"

"Is he coming back?"

"Of course he's coming back! And if you tell anyone I shall be forced to kill you."

"Right enough, who would I tell?"

"Oh, we share all the same fans."

"Not all of them, or people would be dressing up as my characters to go to midnight parties for my books, too."

"Your readers are far too sensible for that."

"As you say...we share them. And perhaps it's for the best. Most of my characters carry weapons, it's best they're only dressed up at conventions."

"Well, the point is, of course he comes back. Though I don't want them to think it's a given. I mean, then who would care?"

"People do rather like stability, Jo."

"But this is fantasy!"

"Nevertheless, they want to know that A gets B in the end."

"So you think the book six sales aren't going well because...because I'm not writing to formula anymore?"

"Well, the New Canon doesn't help."

"The what?"

"Haven't your editors told you?"

"Is it a fanfic? I'm not supposed to know about those."

"Yes and no. I think it was based on a collection of short stories, originally..."

"Wondering how much you can tell me?"

"Wondering if I ought to wait until you've had another margarita."

"For christ's sake, what on earth is it?"

"Well, it's not as mentally scarring as some of the writing out there. It's not badly written, in fact it's quite well-done, considering five or ten different people were involved. It's a website -- rather like your Lexicon, or my L-Space. A sort of...assemblage of knowledge."

"Go on."

"As far as I can tell, and I've been following it -- I'm thinking of doing a book on fandom, outside of the regular series of course, I think it would be fascinating -- anyway, as far as I can tell, it started when someone wrote a story that re-wrote the first few chapters of your book five."

"You needn't sound so amused."

"I'm sorry, but I find it slightly amusing."

"Just because you've written three seven-volume sets..."

"Well, technically -- "

"Oh yes Terry, do lets get technical -- "

"Two trilogies, a five-volume, three seven-volumes, seven one-offs, two role-playing guides, two maps, three lexicons, and four short stories."

"Smug bastard."

"As I was saying -- yes, another daquiri, thank you -- someone rewrote the first few chapters of your new book, and then someone else said 'hey brilliant, can I write a few chapters too?' and it went on like that until about a dozen people had written an entirely new fifth book."

"People have done that before."

"Never collectively, though. This was Novelisation by Committee. And it's really quite riveting reading, not disjointed at all."

"You've read it?"

"Well..."

"You HAVE read it!"

"I was hooked!"

"By fanfiction, Terry!"

"Mock if you like, but it's the reason your sales are down. The same group of people, with a few new additions, just wrote a book six."

"And it's cutting into my sales? I ought to sue."

"Jo, you really must remember that lawsuits make you look bad and you're supposed to look like a motherly writer of children's books. You already have more money than anyone has a right to possess, and this means something coming from a man who had to switch banks because he filled up the first one."

"Bollocks to that."

"No more alcohol for you."

"So these...these fans have written a book six? That's as popular as mine?"

"Oh indeed. They're calling it the New Canon in fan-fiction circles. It'll never replace yours, Jo, don't get yourself into fits. But it does have quite a loyal following, and fan-fiction is being written around it already. Academic circles are very excited. Nothing like this has ever happened before."

"I should jolly well think not!"

"It really is quite the phenomenon."

"For god's sake."

"Not 'Merlin's Beard'?"

"Now you're just being cruel."

"But I'm so exceedingly good at it, Jo."

"Sorry I'm late, have I missed anything?"

"Ah! Neil! No, not too much. Neil, this is Jo Rowling; Jo, Neil Gaiman."

"Yes, the woman whose 'if you liked this book, try these!' lists my books always end up on."

"I loved your comics."

"No sniping, you two."

"So why this super-secret meeting -- hm, I'll have a Harp's, thank you -- at the back of a pub, Terry? Announcing your plan to take over the world by using sarcasm and eyebrows?"

"Don't you think I could?"

"I shiver for Tony Blair the day you get political aspirations. What would be your first act in office?"

"Conquering America, of course. You could be my grand vizier when I declare myself ruler of the known world."

"I'd be evil."

"I'd expect nothing less."

"Very funny, you two, but I'm curious too, Terry. Why are we here?"

"Well, I've got quite a bit coming down the pipeline, and Neil's never in the same city two days running, and you're being clobbered to start book seven, so I thought we ought to take...a bit of a literary holiday. Not a literal one, mind you, that would be weird, but I think we ought to set aside what we're doing and write a collaboration. Between my sarcasm and speed, Neil's knack for the grotesque -- "

" -- thank you, Terry -- "

" -- don't mention it, and Jo's rich fantasy life and selling power, we ought to do quite well, really."

"Aziraphael and Crowley together again, eh?"

"Yes, with a new woman in their lives -- Lilith."

"Oh, I do rather like the sound of that."

"I'm not sure I like being referred to as Satan's consort, thanks ever so much."

"Oh, come on Jo, it'll be fun. We can all get together for the week-end, put the alcohol on our expense lists, and bang out a novel -- "

" -- in a weekend? -- "

"Obviously you've never worked with Terry before."

"Thank you, Neil."

"Don't mention it."

"I was thinking it wouldn't have to be a whole novel, we could do like Sandman and The Last Hero and write a fair-length story, get it illustrated. Kidby could do it, poor sod. Anyone but that horrible cover artist you use, Jo."

"I know, I know, but we signed her for seven books. She's really all right, you know, as long as you don't want anything larger than three inches."

"Hur, hur, hur."

"Don't be boorish, Terry."

"I think it's a grand idea. I'm in for it. We'd never get to tour with it, though."

"That's the brilliance of my subtle plans. If they want us to tour, we can each take a third. That way nobody's stuck doing the whole thing."

"My luck, I'd be the one had to go to Duluth."

"Duluth's quite nice in the summertime. Jo can take the UK, you can have Europe, I'll take America."

"Why do you hate yourself so, Terry?"

"It's the chowder in Seattle. It calls to me."

"Must be pretty ripe."

"That's part of its charm. All right, Jo, are you in or out? We'll put jokes about you in the story if you don't join us."

"Blackmail!"

"Yes, shocking, isn't it."

"All right, I'm in."

"Splendid. To the three greatest literary minds in modern Britain!"

"Hear hear!"

"I'm going to regret this, I just know it..."

END
julesjones: (Default)

[personal profile] julesjones 2008-10-04 01:56 pm (UTC)(link)
"Jo, you really must remember that lawsuits make you look bad and you're supposed to look like a motherly writer of children's books. You already have more money than anyone has a right to possess, and this means something coming from a man who had to switch banks because he filled up the first one."

...is the point where I really did start laughing out loud. :-)

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 04:46 pm (UTC)(link)
I do have to admit that the "filled up the first one" bit is a quote from the real live Pterry :)

(no subject)

[personal profile] julesjones - 2008-10-04 16:48 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] kelemvor.livejournal.com - 2008-10-10 10:28 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] julesjones - 2008-10-11 16:17 (UTC) - Expand

[identity profile] madripoor-rose.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 02:01 pm (UTC)(link)
Ooh lovely.

Sigh. Pterry. Still haven't managed to get my hands on a copy of Nation yet. My library doesn't seem to be picking it up, which is a crime against humanity.

[identity profile] morgulq.livejournal.com 2008-10-22 11:55 pm (UTC)(link)
I just bought it. When you get a chance, look at the author's picture inside the back cover. It's like a punch to the gut.

[identity profile] anmkosk.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 02:10 pm (UTC)(link)
:D

[identity profile] ellid.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 02:26 pm (UTC)(link)
Where is this New Canon? MUST HAVE.

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 04:46 pm (UTC)(link)
Nonexistent, alas :D At the time it was written, we used to joke around that my work was New Canon, because it was either a more grownup-oriented version of the existing books or it was attempting to predict what hadn't been written yet :D It doesn't exist as described here, though.

(no subject)

[identity profile] ellid.livejournal.com - 2008-10-04 16:47 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] iamshadow.livejournal.com - 2008-10-04 17:09 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] madderbrad.livejournal.com - 2008-10-04 22:09 (UTC) - Expand
(deleted comment)

[identity profile] rheasilvia.blogspot.com (from livejournal.com) 2008-10-04 02:28 pm (UTC)(link)
Superb, Sam. erm... there isn't a New Canon, is there?

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 04:45 pm (UTC)(link)
Alas no :) At the time it was written, we used to joke around that my work was New Canon, because it was either a more grownup-oriented version of the existing books or it was attempting to predict what hadn't been written yet :D It doesn't exist as described here, though.
ext_77335: (WTF?)

[identity profile] iamshadow.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 02:35 pm (UTC)(link)
"Ah! Neil! No, not too much. Neil, this is Jo Rowling; Jo, Neil Gaiman."

"Yes, the woman whose 'if you liked this book, try these!' lists my books always end up on."

"I loved your comics."

"No sniping, you two."


*snickers*

I'm quite in love with the 'people walked into a bar' style of story. In the hands of the right author (which you are) it can be brilliantly effective and witty.

Have you read [livejournal.com profile] forth_rose's Dimness (http://fourth-rose.livejournal.com/212758.html)? Even if you know nothing about Twilight, you'll dig it for the Pratchett and Potter references.

[identity profile] persevero.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 02:57 pm (UTC)(link)
Giggle. Lots of smug people predicted the contents of DH - but you predicted the lawsuit. Clever person.
ext_3638: I'm in ur history, emphasising ur wimminz (release the penguins)

[identity profile] kayloulee.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 03:09 pm (UTC)(link)
"It's the chowder in Seattle. It calls to me."

"Must be pretty ripe."

"That's part of its charm."

*sporfles* Oh god, this is great, but it's ten past one in the morning here and I should have been in bed an hour ago at least.
ext_1951: (Default)

[identity profile] mremre.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 03:13 pm (UTC)(link)
Is it bad of me to want to read New Canon? I'm only peripherally involved in any fandom so if this New Canon and attendant fanfic for fanfic exists... WHERE???? Feed me!!

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 04:45 pm (UTC)(link)
At the time it was written, we used to joke around that my work was New Canon, because it was either a more grownup-oriented version of the existing books or it was attempting to predict what hadn't been written yet :D It doesn't exist as described here, though.

(no subject)

[identity profile] littlered2.livejournal.com - 2008-10-07 12:57 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] littlered2.livejournal.com - 2008-10-07 14:44 (UTC) - Expand

[identity profile] tree00faery.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 03:47 pm (UTC)(link)
Lol, that's great. I just saw Neil Gaiman at the National Book Festival last weekend, and I can definitely imagine him saying all that.

[identity profile] the-glow-worm.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 07:05 pm (UTC)(link)
Ooh, me too. He gave my friend a walrus. :D

(no subject)

[identity profile] tree00faery.livejournal.com - 2008-10-05 02:36 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] tree00faery.livejournal.com - 2008-10-05 14:02 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] skelody.livejournal.com - 2008-10-13 21:28 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] skelody.livejournal.com - 2008-10-13 21:59 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] skelody.livejournal.com - 2008-10-13 22:22 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] skelody.livejournal.com - 2008-10-13 22:37 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] skelody.livejournal.com - 2008-10-13 23:22 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] chewipaka.livejournal.com - 2008-10-15 21:18 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] chewipaka.livejournal.com - 2008-10-15 21:30 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] chewipaka.livejournal.com - 2008-10-16 00:58 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] chewipaka.livejournal.com - 2008-10-16 01:52 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] chewipaka.livejournal.com - 2008-10-16 01:58 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] chewipaka.livejournal.com - 2008-10-16 02:06 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] skelody.livejournal.com - 2008-10-16 02:13 (UTC) - Expand
ext_1798: (harry potter research fatigue/casira)

[identity profile] wildestranger.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 03:50 pm (UTC)(link)
Hehee. I rather like your take on RPF, even when it doesn't end in an orgy (and as much as I like all these figures, I'd rather not imagine that). Also, that would be a fascinating book. You should consider writing it. :)

[identity profile] baby-werewolf.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 03:55 pm (UTC)(link)
Ow my brain...now you said it, I AM imagining it. MAKE IT GO AWAAAAY!

[identity profile] duckgirlie.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 03:53 pm (UTC)(link)
That's brilliant.

[identity profile] baby-werewolf.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 03:54 pm (UTC)(link)
I love you, Sam.

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 04:44 pm (UTC)(link)
Awww, thank you :)

[identity profile] gogollescent.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 03:58 pm (UTC)(link)
*uncontrollable sniggering*

SO MUCH WANT.

[identity profile] tiger-flame.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 04:49 pm (UTC)(link)
*snickers and grins* this is great!

Is New Cannon real? If so, where do I find it?!

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 04:50 pm (UTC)(link)
Alas, it is not :) We used to joke that Stealing Harry was New Canon, but as it is described in this fic, no.

[identity profile] nakki.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 05:34 pm (UTC)(link)

[identity profile] fairest1.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 07:08 pm (UTC)(link)
We need to lock these three in a house for a week with a good supply of alcohol, tea, coffee, and paper. And a computer that doesn't have solitaire or minesweeper on it.

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 10:15 pm (UTC)(link)
a computer that doesn't have solitaire or minesweeper on it.

You've identified the really important detail. :D

(no subject)

[identity profile] fairest1.livejournal.com - 2008-10-04 23:20 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] skelody.livejournal.com - 2008-10-13 21:32 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] fairest1.livejournal.com - 2008-10-13 21:42 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] skelody.livejournal.com - 2008-10-13 22:01 (UTC) - Expand

[identity profile] burntcopper.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 07:28 pm (UTC)(link)
'Listen, I'm so rich that if I can fall backwards into a nice cushion of cash.'
'How's next tuesday for your operation?'
- another quote from Terry.
'Most of my characters carry weapons, it's best they're only dressed up at conventions.'
And even then they take them off us and we have to sign for them to get them back for photoshoots and How to Buckle a Swash.

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 10:07 pm (UTC)(link)
LOL! What a shame. Though, sensible. :D (The guy who checks the weapons should have been dressed as Carrot...)

(no subject)

[identity profile] burntcopper.livejournal.com - 2008-10-05 00:18 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] burntcopper.livejournal.com - 2008-10-05 00:32 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] burntcopper.livejournal.com - 2008-10-05 00:56 (UTC) - Expand

[identity profile] tritoneclarinet.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 08:26 pm (UTC)(link)
Hahaha.... This is genius.

What's the likelihood that we could convince the three of them to do this? :D

[identity profile] sabra-n.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 10:04 pm (UTC)(link)
If it ever happened, it would cause the Squee That Broke the Internets, I think. Followed by the Wank That Broke It Again, for good measure.


...Now I'd really like it to happen.

[identity profile] dani-the-divine.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 09:52 pm (UTC)(link)
I never realized you didn't like Mary Grandpre!

What do you have against her cover art?

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 10:06 pm (UTC)(link)
Well, admittedly they're childrens' books, but I find the art a bit immature. I'm not fond of the over-cartoonised figures, I suppose. I think that may also have been a reference to some discussion of the art on the fifth book in particular.

(no subject)

[identity profile] littlered2.livejournal.com - 2008-10-07 13:02 (UTC) - Expand

[identity profile] madderbrad.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 10:11 pm (UTC)(link)
Very amusing!

[identity profile] deesarrachi.livejournal.com 2008-10-04 11:13 pm (UTC)(link)
♥____♥

I swear, if the three of them ever did write a book, I think I would simply die of glee.

[identity profile] yarukage.livejournal.com 2008-10-05 02:09 am (UTC)(link)
Seconded

[identity profile] sinick.livejournal.com 2008-10-05 12:06 am (UTC)(link)
"Well, the point is, of course he comes back. Though I don't want them to think it's a given. I mean, then who would care?"

Oh, the irony. Thick enough to cut! (And I loathed Sirius, FWIW. But that _is_ one of a whole host of missed plot opportunities.)
Edited 2008-10-05 00:36 (UTC)

[identity profile] yarukage.livejournal.com 2008-10-05 02:08 am (UTC)(link)
You!
YOU ARE A FUCKING GENIUS!
Also, you owe me a new keyboard because of the number of coffee-splorts induced by this fic.
ext_24631: editrix with a martini (Default)

[identity profile] editrx.livejournal.com 2008-10-05 02:37 am (UTC)(link)
Um, Sam ... dare I send this to Neil? (He's an old friend -- no joking.) I think he would be much amused. Dare I? :)

[identity profile] the-glow-worm.livejournal.com 2008-10-05 03:01 am (UTC)(link)
Please do it. I want to see this on his blog like anything.

(no subject)

[identity profile] gen50.livejournal.com - 2008-11-20 04:44 (UTC) - Expand

Page 1 of 2

<< [1] [2] >>