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sam_storyteller ([personal profile] sam_storyteller) wrote2005-07-18 12:50 pm

The Stainless Steel Rat Lives Forever (Torchwood/Stainless Steel Rat crossover)

Title: The Stainless Steel Rat Lives Forever
Authors: [livejournal.com profile] copperbadge and [livejournal.com profile] madripoor_rose
Fandoms: Torchwood and the Stainless Steel Rat series of novels.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It was a quiet Tuesday afternoon when a beautiful, heavily armed woman fell through the Rift, and Jack swore in Esperanto and tried to hide under his desk.
Warnings: None.

Originally Posted 9.24.05

***

It was a quiet Tuesday afternoon when a beautiful, heavily armed woman fell through the Rift, and Jack swore in Esperanto and tried to hide under his desk.

Gwen, who had been in the middle of discussing resource allocations with him, watched in astonishment as the woman vaulted over the handrail, sped through the office, and made a sharp curve around the far edge of the desk. Ianto, who fortunately had quick reflexes, met her at the turn with a loaded gun aimed between her eyes.

She didn't flinch, although the corner of her full lower lip twitched slightly. There was a moment of breathless silence, save for the rising whine of the raygun she had pressed firmly into Ianto's mid-section.

"James Bolivar DiGriz, is this when you've been hiding yourself?" she demanded. Ianto looked confused for a minute, until she spoke again and he realised she wasn't addressing him. "Show yourself, you...you Rat. I can smell you."

From under the desk, Jack called out, "Angelina, my perfect petal, I can explain....as soon as I can think of something plausible," he added under his breath.

"Excuse me," Gwen said, trying to get the attention of someone, anyone in the room. "What did you just call him?"

"Jim DiGriz," Angelina retorted. "Why, what's he calling himself now? Stop hiding under the desk! It's perfectly absurd," she added, kicking one of the legs.

Jack emerged warily, shaking dust out of his hair.

"Gwen Cooper, Ianto Jones...this is Angelina," he said slowly. "My wife."

Every so delicately, Ianto's arm swiveled, his aim shifting from Angelina's forehead to Jack's.

"Your what?" he asked icily.

The woman, who had also moved to train her weapon on Jack, smiled brightly. "His wife. His soulmate. His partner. The mother of his children. Who have, by the way, been expelled from boarding school again. Something about setting up a charity to Save The Spotted Swamp Squelch, which happens to already be extinct, and spending the proceeds on Old Panther Sweat, getting drunk, and throwing up on the Dean."

"Boys will be boys?" Jack tried, eyes darting nervously between them and trying very hard to spontaneously develop telepathy so he could warn Ianto. The psychosurgery performed before his Angel of Death was allowed to join the Special Corps had held...mostly. She did tend to relapse into irrational jealousy.

"You know," Ianto said to Angelina, and oh, this could go nowhere good, "I think I've been very forgiving. I got past his sociopathic partner and his psychopathic brother, not to mention his bipolar alien traveling companion -- "

"Hey!" Jack said. "Cyberwoman in the basement!"

" -- but discovering I'm the Other Woman is putting a strain on my nerves," Ianto finished.

"Mother of his children?" Gwen asked, apparently missing the point of all the drawn guns in the room.

"Darling boys, they take after their father," Angelina replied. The gun didn't waver. "Other Woman, did you say?" she asked Ianto.

Ianto tilted his head, lowered his gun, and put the safety back on.

"Would you like some coffee, Mrs. DiGriz?" he asked. "I think you and I have some catching-up to do."

"I'd love some coffee, Mr. Jones," Angelina said. "Two sugars."

Jack had the look of a man who had just escaped the gallows, only to discover that he was about to be torn apart by rabid dogs.

He followed them cautiously to Ianto's corner workbench as Angelina and Ianto chatted aimably about coffee (and Jack's atrocious habit of doctoring it with cheap alcohol when provoked). He glanced irritably over his shoulder at Gwen.

"Do you think you could give us some privacy?" he asked.

"Are you kidding?" she said, gesturing at the pair.

He thought about that. "Fair enough. Angelina, light of my life?"

"Yes, Jim, Bane of My Existence?"

"Are you feeling all right? Uh. Usually when I look at another woman, the knives come out."

"But Ianto -- may I call you Ianto? -- isn't another woman. And he assures me that you haven't so much as touched that one," she glared past him at Gwen. "So that's all right."

It took Jack a moment to work it out. Angelina had been driven to compete with other women by her horrific ugliness. Once she'd pulled off enough robberies and scams to pay for reconstructive surgery by the best doctors in the galaxy...she wasn't actually insane, per se, but she was still jealous of other women who had always been beautiful.

Men, on the other hand...well. She couldn't compete with another man. So she didn't have to. It made a certain amount of twisted logic.

Jack swore under his breath as he spotted the loophole he'd missed for the ten linear years of their marriage.

On the other hand...

"...and then he was turned into an immortal," Ianto was saying, as he poured the coffee.

"Oh really," Angelina said, turning back to Jack with her hands on her hips. "How very keen for you, my love."

"That was my plan!" Jack cried, inspiration hitting. "You see, my own -- "

"One of your own, anyway," she corrected.

"All right, my own part one," Jack didn't miss a beat, "I never meant to leave you behind when I was doing that tiny, that really miniscule job in London. It's just there was a slight snare, and I thought, I have a boring job to do, you'd hate it, I'll just finish up here and then...uh...live my way back to you. You'd never know I was gone. Darling. Dearest."

Ianto coughed gently.

"Dearest in the twenty-fifth century," Jack corrected. He was getting the hang of this now. "Surely you can't deny me some consolation while I waited to return to you. Not that you're consolation," he added desperately to Ianto. "Dearest in the twenty-first century."

"Ooh, he's doing the Charming Face. I hate the Charming Face," Angelina cooed.

"He thinks he can get away with anything, doing the Charming Face," Ianto nodded.

"And his habit of running off to other planets and temporal eras and hiding. And skimming five percent off his salary and stashing it in accounts he thinks you don't know about."

"Leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor."

Jack turned to Gwen and said hopefully, "Shoot me?"

"You'll just heal."

"But it'll be a refuge, for that little while."

"I'm almost positive we discussed my feelings on other women shooting you," Angelina hissed through clenched teeth. Jack blanched.

"You know, that is the nice thing about Torchwood," Ianto said, dropping two lumps of sugar into one of the coffee cups and passing it to her. He sipped his own, placidly. "It's very rarely boring."

"What I want to know," Angelina jabbed a finger of the hand not holding the coffee cup into Jack's chest, "is what you plan to do about this."

"Which?" Jack asked, honestly baffled.

"This, Jim! You're sitting here, practically in the dark ages, while I'm bailing your sons out of boarding school and trying to think up solo jobs to keep us in shiny things and delicious foodstuffs, four hundred years from now."

She snapped his braces with one hand to make her point.

"Ow!" Jack yelped.

There was a distinct giggling noise from Gwen's direction.

"Because unless you promise me you're coming back to me I am perfectly happy to stay here and take my half," she continued. It didn't occur to any of them what she meant until she turned to Ianto. "Including the perks of command."

Both men suddenly developed an expression that was an odd mix of "hunted" and "aroused".

"You know, maybe you'd like some privacy after all..." Gwen said, edging towards the nearest exit.

"Gwen, I swear to god," Jack said, and Gwen stopped moving. Then Jack paused, and tilted his head, and a little smile curled his lips.

"By the way," he said conversationally, to Angelina, "how did you get here in the first place, joy of my days? It's not like the Rift to conveniently drop my lovers, past or future, into the Hub. Especially not armed."

"Actually..." Ianto began, then thought better of it when Jack glared at him.

"So," Jack continued, moving forward predatorially until Angelina was forced to either stand her ground or back directly into Ianto, who looked like he was preparing to bolt, "how did you come to be four hundred years in your past in my top-secret base?"

"Coypu!" she said, squeaking a little.

"What's Coypu?" Gwen asked.

"Kind of rodent," Ianto replied.

Jack was momentarily sidetracked. "What?"

"It's a kind of rodent," Ianto repeated. "Very large, comes from South America. Prized for its fur, actually."

"How do you know these things?" Jack demanded.

"I know everything," Ianto said smugly.

"Well, our Coypu isn't a rodent," Angelina said. "He's a professor."

"You stole a Time Helix from Professor Coypu," Jack said. "Naughty, naughty Angelina."

"Desperate times, James DiGriz," she replied. They looked like they were either going to shoot each other or shag each other, and either way Ianto was trapped between them and the coffee machine.

"If...I could suggest," he said slowly. Jack looked over Angelina's shoulder at him, and Angelina herself pivoted enough to meet his gaze. "In the interests of neither of us having to share, Mrs. DiGriz -- not that it wouldn't be enjoyable..."

"You're damn right," she said.

"But Jack does have a point. If you go back to a prearranged location, he can meet you there four hundred years from now."

Angelina narrowed her eyes. "What if he's foxed around the edges? I don't do second-hand, Ianto dear."

"This is Jack. James. Whatever," Ianto said. "Can you imagine him being less than perfect?"

Angelina sighed. "Point."

Jack looked pleased with himself. She snapped his braces again.

"OW. Stop that!"

"Don't get smug," she retorted.

"So," Ianto plowed onward. "I'll make sure he stays away from Gwen -- "

"Oi!" Gwen said.

" -- and he'll be waiting for you on the other side of the vortex." Ianto looked supremely pleased with himself, and picked up a plate that was sitting at his elbow. He held it out to Angelina. "Chocolate biscuit?"

***

When Angelina DiGriz arrived once more in the twenty-fifth century, she put down in a little bar that she and James used to meet up in before they got married. He liked the martinis there.

A charming, handsome man in a blue woolen coat was sitting at the bar with a boquet of Hadrillian roses, rarest in two galaxies, clutched in one hand. He beamed when he saw her.

"My shining solar corona," he said, presenting her with the flowers. "Allow me to pitch woo."

"Death of me," she replied, and kissed him. "Woo away. Keep yourself busy while I was gone?"

"Pined for you endlessly," he replied. "Every waking moment."

"Mmh, you're a liar, but you're a charming one, so for now I shall let you live."

"And I brought someone I think you'd like to meet," Jim continued, turning to the man enjoying a tall, fizzy-looking drink one seat over. "This is my wife, reason for my existence, ruler of my soul. Angelina, this is...an old partner in crime."

The funny-haired man in the brown pinstripe suit looked over a squarish set of glasses at her and held out his hand.

"Fantastic to meet you," the Doctor said, grinning.

END

ENDNOTES: There is a story behind this story. And it goes a little something like this:

madripoor_rose: ....and now I'm picturing the crossover fic with Torchwood versus Slippery Jim DiGriz and I think I've pulled something in my brainmeats.
copperbadge: You know, there's no reason Jack couldn't be Jim DiGriz.
madripoor_rose: Then Ianto's in trouble if Angelina gets her hands on Coypu's Time Helix and catches up to her dear devoted husband.
copperbadge: She'd probably just demand she be allowed to play, too.
madripoor_rose: Oh, Rule 34. Surely someone's already written this?
copperbadge: Yeah, us. :D

[identity profile] zanetun.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 12:24 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, this is exactly what I needed after today. I don't even know Stainless Steel Rat, but I have the feeling that I really should be a fan, if someone like Angelina exists in it.

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 07:16 pm (UTC)(link)
*grins* They're fun books! Glad you enjoyed it.

[identity profile] londonbard.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 12:36 am (UTC)(link)
That's perfect - in terms of both fandoms, too.

[identity profile] lavieverbale.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 12:46 am (UTC)(link)
LOL, this was great! It's been ages since I read the Stainless Steel Rat books, but they were so awesome! And you're right, there's no reason Jack couldn't be Jim DiGriz... This made me grin and giggle like crazy. I know you are trying to restrain yourself, but really, whenever you want to be a bad Sam you should write more Torchwood crossovers. It really lends itself, you know...

<333!!!
ext_14419: the mouse that wants Arthur's brain (Default)

[identity profile] derien.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 12:51 am (UTC)(link)
Stainless Steel Rat fic... you are my hero. *bows, grovels, offers incense*

[identity profile] anascho.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 12:53 am (UTC)(link)
This would explain so much...
alassenya: Mallorn leaf with Alassenya in Tengwar (Default)

[personal profile] alassenya 2008-09-25 12:55 am (UTC)(link)
I haven't even read this yet but the concept itself is awesome - I love SSR and I love Torchwood. Putting them together is genius.

[identity profile] cassiphone.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 12:55 am (UTC)(link)
LOVES

I haven't read any Rat in years, but it all came spinning back, and I love the whole Ianto Angelina vibe.

Of course Jack is Slippery Jim DiGriz. But now I'm wondering who ELSE he is....

made my day with this! *blows kisses*

[identity profile] grey-bard.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 02:24 am (UTC)(link)
Seconded! Oh, Jack. Who have you been?

(no subject)

[identity profile] elisi.livejournal.com - 2008-09-26 13:52 (UTC) - Expand

[identity profile] eveningemma.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 01:11 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, my. That was wonderful.

[identity profile] booster17.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 01:21 am (UTC)(link)
Oh man.... suddenly I feel the urge to go hunting through my old boxed books to dig out the Stainless Steel Rat books.

[identity profile] kcracken.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 03:06 pm (UTC)(link)
Brilliant icon, btw. Simply perfect.

(no subject)

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alassenya: Mallorn leaf with Alassenya in Tengwar (Default)

[personal profile] alassenya 2008-09-25 01:28 am (UTC)(link)
And now I've read it and I'm prostrating myself at your feet. I love it. May I beg for more?
ext_6628: Ianto getting serious (Default)

[identity profile] used-songs.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 01:28 am (UTC)(link)
I was so excited to see this. I love the the Stainless Steel Rat. You nailed the dialogue!

[identity profile] odontomachus.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 01:48 am (UTC)(link)
That was... a thing of beauty.

*snif* It's just dust, dammit! ;_;

[identity profile] ellid.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 01:48 am (UTC)(link)
Oh God. I think my head just exploded.

But only in a good way.

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 02:04 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh well, that's all right then :D

[identity profile] drgaellon.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 02:35 am (UTC)(link)
You are forty-seven kinds of warped and twisted. And I adore you for it.

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 02:03 pm (UTC)(link)
*bows* We do our best, sir.

[identity profile] celticangel76.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 02:35 am (UTC)(link)
*nearly snorts her beer*

Dude srsly, don't give me that to read when I'm drinking. I think I woke the children laughing so hard.

MAJOR WIN!

[identity profile] celticangel76.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 02:36 am (UTC)(link)
Oh and also - I must now get these books.

Damn you, Sam.
ext_3674: pete wisdom says, "Gotta love those happy endings." (more Ianto)

[identity profile] iambickilometer.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 02:39 am (UTC)(link)
Well, I've never read Stainless Steel Rat, but now I believe I shall have to. Simply because anything that crosses over this elegantly with Torchwood simply must be read. And I really have nothing better to do with my free time. That's a lie.

On another note, Ianto's devious plotting and Angelina's spousal-abuse tendencies were truly captivating, by which I mean I laughed aloud on multiple occasions and generally worried the unenlightened around me.

[identity profile] kaimu.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 02:50 am (UTC)(link)
I've never read Stainless Steel Rat, but I am now in love with Angelina and must read this series.

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 01:48 pm (UTC)(link)
I'd recommend starting with A Stainless Steel Rat Is Born, it's my fave, but if you want Angelina you should start with the original story, "The Stainless Steel Rat". Wikipedia has a good guide to both chronological (youth to maturity) and literary (first book through latest book). Enjoy them!

[identity profile] wondersheep.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 03:43 am (UTC)(link)
Hah! AWESOME!

[identity profile] gritsinmisery.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 04:16 am (UTC)(link)
OMG, if the fic wasn't brilliant enough, there's the wee bit o' chat at the end to truly make my day.

[identity profile] happi-feet.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 04:44 am (UTC)(link)
You know, SSR was always on my list of books to read, along with Stasheff's Warlock Series, Saberhagen's Sword Series, Xanth, and Reteif, et al. Unfortunately they have recently been usurped in line by Discworld. I do know enough, from listening to my brother, to recognize the characters.

So many books, so little time.

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 01:47 pm (UTC)(link)
I recommend SSR once you've done with Discworld -- SSR and the Watch books in particular compliment each other well :D
ext_3472: Sauron drinking tea. (sex!)

[identity profile] maggiebloome.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 05:02 am (UTC)(link)
ahahaha. Sam, I know you've officiall won The Internets multiple times already, but allow me to contribute a vote for yet another iteration.

I did not know I needed this crossover until you wrote it.

[identity profile] annemjw.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 06:12 am (UTC)(link)
Yes! I loved it in the comments, but it's fun to see it all together, even though I have no clue about Stainless Steel Rat.

[identity profile] ooktavia.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 07:26 am (UTC)(link)
Good lord, that's BRILLIANT.
I loved Jim diGriz when I was growing up. And Dr Who. And now I read this, and it's like putting chocolate and ginger wine together for the first time.


Iiiiiiii want to see di Griz!Jack and Angelina and the Doctor have an adventure, now. I'm sure they'd be happy to prevent another invasion of somewhere...

Thanks for a bit of sunshine on a dull thursdat morning.
O

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 01:45 pm (UTC)(link)
"You got Jack Harkness in my Jim DiGriz!"

"No, you got Jim DiGriz in my Jack Harkness!"

(Jack, from a far corner: "I'm good either way!")

[identity profile] sff-corgi.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 07:49 am (UTC)(link)
[actually laughing out loud] Oh, I love it. And I haven't even been able to watch Torchwood at all yet.
ext_7410: (AD I'll be at the bar)

[identity profile] cageyklio.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 08:59 am (UTC)(link)
You know, this is the second fic I've run across in as many days that refers to the Doctor as bipolar. I find that interesting. Ten certainly is manic, but I'm not convinced that he has the requisite depressive cycle to qualify.

I particularly loved this: "...and either way Ianto was trapped between them and the coffee machine." Heeee!

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-09-25 01:44 pm (UTC)(link)
Man, did you SEE the end of Journey's End? I'm pretty sure he's QUITE depressive enough to qualify. :D Not to mention that moment of total withdrawal when he realised there was nothing he could do for Earth.

I mean, I don't honestly think Ten is bipolar. But if you're looking at him through the filter of humanity, he does fulfill many of the diagnostic requirements.

(no subject)

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