sam_storyteller: (Default)
sam_storyteller ([personal profile] sam_storyteller) wrote2005-07-18 11:15

Close Your Eyes And Think Of England (RPF)

I feel guilty and awful every time I write about real people, and yet I do it anyway.

Well, guilt is overrated.

Title: Close Your Eyes And Think Of England
Rating: PG at most, for talk of pornography
Summary: "Oh, are we talking about slash again?" (various actors from Doctor Who/Torchwood/Harry Potter)
Warnings: None.

Now a podfic by [personal profile] letsgofriday!

Originally posted 5.6.08

Also available at AO3.

***

It wasn't anything weird. It was just a bunch of guys, going out for a drink, and talking about all the gay sex they weren't having.

Except for Barrowman, who'd been with his boyfriend since the dawn of time, and thus was probably having gay sex on a pretty regular basis. Hopefully, anyway.

It started when Tennant went on that talk show and they told him about pornographic fan-fiction, which gobsmacked him so thoroughly that he mentioned it to John because pain shared is pain lessened. And John admitted with absolutely no shame at all that of course he knew about it, because hello, free gay porn starring himself. What's not to love?

"Oh, are we talking about slash again?" Gareth asked as he joined them, sipping a coffee, and David looked at him a little wide-eyed. Gareth grinned. "It's all in good fun."

"You knew about this?"

"Mmyep. Most of it's absolute crap, mind you, but the ones who can actually spell and work the punctuation-mark part of the keyboard do all right."

"It's hot," John said decidedly. "Except for the ones where they spell 'Harkness' wrong."

"Keyboard-mashers," Gareth added. "Honestly, someone needs to give the internet a lesson regarding your friend, the full stop."

As it turned out, even the Harry Potter people knew about slash. Thewlis laughed when he heard David's horrified thoughts on the subject.

"Well, I lucked out, because mostly they don't write about me so much as they do book-Lupin. Apparently he's massively well-hung. We can all dream," he added thoughtfully.

"And this doesn't upset you?"

"No, but then he existed long before I played him, so I tend to just remind myself they're writing about that Lupin and Sirius, not my Lupin or Gary's Sirius. Besides, it's much more disturbing when they write about the kiddies."

"Surely you're not put out, David, all that adoration heaped on your admittedly crazy-haired head," Oldman said, when polled.

"No -- well, no," Tennant said uncomfortably.

"Just close your eyes and think of England," Thewlis advised.

But apparently word of his anxiety about all this porn had got round, and when John asked if he wanted to get a beer down the pub he didn't think twice about it until Gareth and Thewlis showed up as well, carrying thin sheafs of paper and grinning.

"We have done," Gareth said solemnly, "extensive research upon the topic of pornographic depictions of your person."

"Oh, my god," Tennant said faintly.

"And we've prepared several interesting passages for your consumption," John said. "It was a terrible trial."

"There are pictures," Thewlis added, a wide, cheerful grin on his face.

Of course he had to have his revenge after he spent all night listening to them read highly unrealistic depictions of his appearance, not to mention the Doctor's sexual tastes and prowess in bed (John feigned awe, Gareth read with a wicked, almost religious cadence, and Thewlis kept inventing naughty limericks).

Three days of horrified fascination later, he emailed the most grammatically incorrect fiction he could find to Gareth, hung terrible "manips" of a naked man with John Barrowman's face on his trailer windows, and delivered up every large-penised description of Remus Lupin he could find to David Thewlis in a plain brown envelope the second time they went drinking together.

"You know really you're only egging John on," Gareth remarked around a cigarette. "Now he has motivation to read pornography, instead of just spare time."

The third time they met up for drinks John brought Scott along as an honourary member, and also made up little membership cards for the Almost Gay Porn Stars Drinking And Darts Society.

"This is the strangest male bonding ever," Tennant said, face in hands.

"Guys and porn? I think this is pretty ordinary," Thewlis observed.

"It's gay porn!"

Both John and Scott cocked eyebrows at him.

"About us, I mean! Or -- people we play! But us, because they look like us, in -- in our pants! And everything!"

"Oh well," Gareth said, a wicked grin developing as he held out his PDA. "If you want gay porn about us..."

And that is how David Tennant met RPS.

END

Author's Note: Gobsmacked David is gobsmacked. "There are Doctor Who Porn websites?"
such_heights: amy and rory looking at a pile of post (dw: jack smile)

[personal profile] such_heights 2008-05-06 20:54 (UTC)(link)
*expires* Oh my word that is too, too genius.

[identity profile] gypsyjr.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:03 (UTC)(link)
Oh my god, I am going to be laughing at this for days.
Edited 2008-05-06 21:04 (UTC)

[identity profile] beckaandzac.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:03 (UTC)(link)
That is sheer genius, that is.

[identity profile] hangingfire.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:06 (UTC)(link)
That is absolutely delightful.

And I am probably a bad person for imagining a sequel involving Tennant and John Simm, because talk about shared pain...

[identity profile] piratefanatic.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:19 (UTC)(link)
Ooooh, I am so there with you. Right there? See? That is us. Being there.

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[personal profile] starkdependant - 2008-05-06 21:57 (UTC) - Expand

Yes. Please.

(Anonymous) - 2008-05-07 02:57 (UTC) - Expand

Sequel w/ John Simm plz

(Anonymous) - 2010-08-24 16:12 (UTC) - Expand

[identity profile] dramaturgca.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:06 (UTC)(link)
I love you.

[identity profile] thette.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:07 (UTC)(link)
I want David Tennant to meet your RPS.

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 23:11 (UTC)(link)
Oh god, I hope he never does...

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[identity profile] thette.livejournal.com - 2008-05-07 04:28 (UTC) - Expand

[identity profile] ladyoflisquill.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:08 (UTC)(link)
I feel guilty and awful every time I write about real people.

God I feel the same about reading it but you write them in a way that makes the guilt bearable.

"Now he has motivation to read pornography, instead of just spare time."

LOL! You write the characters so well and I love that the are all old hands to slash but Tennant is the wide eye noobie!
ext_29530: (JB_gay kiss scott john)

[identity profile] jhava.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:09 (UTC)(link)
::laughing out loud::

This is fabulous! A RPF that made me chortle. Well done!

[identity profile] cryforthemoon.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:16 (UTC)(link)
I have a big grin on my face. :D Utter brilliance.
fleurrochard: (adorable while giggly)

[personal profile] fleurrochard 2008-05-06 21:16 (UTC)(link)
*DIES DEAD*

[identity profile] zephiey.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:17 (UTC)(link)
ROFL!

The strange thing about this is I can picture actors from all genres having this conversation.

[identity profile] megaleena.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:17 (UTC)(link)
*G* I bet that's actually what happens on those long dark nights in Cardiff.

[identity profile] katyjo.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:18 (UTC)(link)
Ohhh... God. Just... God.

[identity profile] freckles42.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:20 (UTC)(link)
Oh sweet, merciful Buddha.

*can't stop giggling*

[identity profile] foreverrhapsody.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:22 (UTC)(link)
HAHAHAHA. This is totally what they do on their time off.

and OMG, Unexpected Scott Gill! I think he's just a wee bit hotter then Barrowman

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 23:10 (UTC)(link)
Who doesn't have a soft place in their heart for Unexpected Scott Gill :D

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[identity profile] drgaellon.livejournal.com - 2008-05-20 19:25 (UTC) - Expand

[identity profile] gokuma.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:23 (UTC)(link)
PURE WIN <3

[identity profile] gokuma.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:29 (UTC)(link)
*can't stop laughing*

[identity profile] eandh99.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:25 (UTC)(link)
What's scary about this is how well it connects to reality -- JB does indeed enjoy his porn, he said so in the Oxford Union presentation, Gareth does indeed know about the Janto porn which he described at the Rift as Filthy! but in a good way, and anyone with access to Youtube can watch DT be gobsmacked at the idea that there is Doctor Who Porn all over the internets.

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 23:09 (UTC)(link)
Oh yes, these things were known to me :D They frame the story rather nicely, don't you think?

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[identity profile] bobthemole.livejournal.com - 2008-05-06 23:27 (UTC) - Expand

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[identity profile] bobthemole.livejournal.com - 2008-05-06 23:38 (UTC) - Expand

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(Anonymous) - 2008-05-07 04:12 (UTC) - Expand

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[identity profile] gypsyjr.livejournal.com - 2008-05-07 05:30 (UTC) - Expand
florahart: (writing)

[personal profile] florahart 2008-05-06 21:28 (UTC)(link)
I hate you. You made me snort tea in my office (hey, it's sort of lunch hour, if you squint), which, shit, ow, and also, people going by to whom really, really I cannot explain.

*wheeze*

Hi, my name is Flora and I am 38 years old and apparently incompetent with tea.

Also, ahahahaha.

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 23:09 (UTC)(link)
Incompe-tea-nt? :D

[identity profile] redstapler.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:30 (UTC)(link)
This made me LOL in public. Well done, sir!

(Icon is actually myself and a friend. Only fair, really.)

[identity profile] altorogue.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:34 (UTC)(link)
*is dead*

[identity profile] ved-vies-kto.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:35 (UTC)(link)
:D I kind of love you a little... I'm just glad I'm at home and my roommate is out so no-one heard the gigglesnorts.

[identity profile] sparkysparky.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:38 (UTC)(link)
HAHAHAHA OMG you don't write crack near enough, but when you do my god it's beautiful. This was just great, and yay for Thewlis and Oldman. I wanna be a fly on the wall of that pub. :-D
girlpearl: a rainbow wing with the text "Well, I'll be damned." "It's not so bad, when you get used to it." (damned)

[personal profile] girlpearl 2008-05-06 21:39 (UTC)(link)
I feel guilty and awful every time I write about real people, and yet I do it anyway.

Is this your way of apologizing to Mr. David-Lloyd? Because it's not going to get you out of the hell-going, Sam. If I'm going, you're coming right with me.

[identity profile] sam-storyteller.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 22:41 (UTC)(link)
Yeah, I don't think anyone who's known me for any amount of time believes I'm not destined for the ring of fire. :D

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[personal profile] girlpearl - 2008-05-06 23:52 (UTC) - Expand

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[personal profile] girlpearl - 2008-05-07 00:17 (UTC) - Expand

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[personal profile] girlpearl - 2008-05-07 00:49 (UTC) - Expand

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[personal profile] girlpearl - 2008-05-07 01:56 (UTC) - Expand

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[identity profile] ysabet.livejournal.com - 2008-05-07 06:09 (UTC) - Expand

[identity profile] winterthunder.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:42 (UTC)(link)
I feel guilty and awful every time I write about real people, and yet I do it anyway.

Me too- I keep all of mine under a lock of some sort. I can sort of justify it by thinking that it's my (or someone else's) character based on a real person and that way at least it's not public and hopefully won't come back to bite me in the rear end someday.

Brilliant story! :)

[identity profile] firesprite1105.livejournal.com 2008-05-06 21:42 (UTC)(link)
*snicker*

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